LIVING WITH AN ANGRY HUSBAND IS LIKE living at the base of an active volcano.
You are always alert, anticipating the next eruption. You stay in a constant state of hyper-vigilance; always looking for ways to cover for him.
And you spend all your energy keeping his anger from swamping the entire family.
Anger is just a form of emotional energy. It is not yelling and screaming. And it is not violence. Anger can be both constructive and destructive.
However, since many people have seen more of unhealthy expressions of anger, they only associate anger with negative things.
Anybody can become angry; that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way: that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy. – Aristotle
Healthy versus unhealthy anger in the marriage
Anger the emotion is not bad by itself. It is the choices that one makes in expressing the anger that makes the difference in the health of a marriage.
A spouse who expresses his anger healthily is able to talk about his feelings in a calm manner. Also, he does not try to manipulate the partner’s behavior.
Instead, he expresses himself, makes a request and is willing to accept the answer. When he realizes that his anger is escalating, he takes time out since he recognizes that he will not be logical and rational anymore. He can then revisit the topic at a later time once he has calmed down.
Unhealthy anger, on the other hand, is constant. The person seems ready to snap over little things, is always irritated by the spouse and those around him and he argues for the sake of arguing.
This anger also seeks to control the spouse and is often used as a weapon. It can also be used to punish the partner through things like silent treatment, withholding sex and sabotaging the partner’s efforts.
At the extreme, unhealthy anger is abusive. The abuse can either be verbal: calling names, intimidation, and threats; restricting the partner’s interactions; financial or even physical abuse.
Fact: While other emotions are healed in the presence of love, anger is blind and usually cannot see or receive the care that is being offered.
Over time, this resentment may evolve to dislike and even hatred for him. And how can you possibly be intimate with someone whom you do not like?
Another way an angry husband expresses himself is through constant criticism of his wife.
Criticism in a marriage is like water dripping on a rock. Slowly, the rock will be eroded. If you are regularly made to feel like you cannot do anything right, that you do not measure up to certain expectations, this will affect the quality of your intimacy.
At some point, you will become resentful and even angry even if you may not admit it. With time, you will find it completely difficult to be intimate with your husband. Sex will either be a chore or the most unpleasant thing that you have to endure in the relationship.
Your husband’s anger will drive you to depression.
A study by the University of Missouri has revealed that angry husbands can cause depression in their wives. In the study, researchers observed video clips of 416 married couples interacting at home.
The study found that husbands’ treatment of their wives dramatically influences their psychological wellness. Criticism and hostility have a lasting effect on the wives' wellbeing. It was further found that the effects of husbands’ anger on the wives continue throughout the marriages.
Anger begets anger: your marriage will produce angry children
Experts say that children learn how to form relationships from their parents through observation and social learning.
Your children will watch you and either learn the skills of problem-solving and conflict resolution; which lead to healthy relationships or distress, anxiety, and aggression; which lead to unhealthy relationships.
Experts indicate that anger is contagious. Unhealthy anger in all forms of its expression: violence and aggression is a learned behavior. This is the reason why children who are brought up in families with violence are more likely to be more aggressive to their own romantic partners.
Children learn to identify with the aggressor since they discover that the parent (in this case the dad) who yells the loudest gets his way. Anger, aggression, and hostility become a way of life.
Evidence also indicates that if children are exposed to prolonged anger and aggression, they may experience brain and hormonal changes due to fear.
They freeze in response to loud voices and anger. Later in life, the effects show up in the form of promiscuity, alcohol and drug abuse, codependency and eating disorders.
Don’t worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you. – Robert Fulghum
You will have an unhappy marriage
You were probably bewildered the first time you witnessed your husband’s angry outburst. But with subsequent eruptions, you have realized that your husband does not respect you.
Eventually, you will be put off by his immature and unreasonable behavior, and you will not have the patience to give him any attention. Your relationship will deteriorate.
Also, how can you be happy with someone you are scared of?
How can you:
Love him when you resent the way he treats you?
Laugh with yelling and angry shouting going on?
Want to spend any time that you do not have to spend with someone you resent?
Your marriage will not survive on the thin ice of lost love forever. It will eventually crumble under the pressure of anger.
Anger coping mechanisms are entrenched in an individual, and they cannot change unless your husband makes a strong commitment to handle his anger more healthily. Your husband needs a structured program of anger management to learn how to break this destructive behavior.
Do not even for a minute think that you can change your husband’s anger patterns overnight. After all, he has had many years to practice before meeting you.
Ultimately, remember that you get what you put up with, not what you deserve. If you excuse, forgive and allow your husband’s repeated outbursts, why on earth should you expect him to change?
What you can do
Make your husband ineffective in getting what he wants through anger. He has to learn that shouting, threatening and withdrawing will not get him what he wants.
If you give in to his anger, you will never get him to give up using anger as a manipulating tool. Be firm in your refusal; do not have any discussion about it.
Refusing to argue helps to put the issue to rest quickly so that you can both move on to other things. The next time you see him, be friendly and pretend like nothing ever happened. He will know how to treat you better, anger issues or not.
Thanks for reading this article on the effects on your marriage of when your husband angry all the time. You can contact me here if you have a question or query.
The question sounds ludicrous but it isn’t as straightforward as it seems.
And the answer is somewhat good news for those in relationships which have experienced infidelity.
Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, says that it is not affairs that break marriages up: it is the unfaithful spouse’s inability, to be honest about what happened and leave the affair behind them.
According to Madden, couples divorce after affairs, not because of the infidelity itself, but because the betrayed spouse simply gives up trying when the cheating spouse continues to be shady, selfish and untrustworthy.
Another encouraging fact is that the majority of couples stay together after infidelity. Psychology Today
Your marriage does not have to end because you had an affair. Even though the affair will cause your husband much heartache and anger, your marriage can survive. However, it is not going to be a walk in the park. Brace yourself for difficult work ahead of you to reclaim your husband and your marriage.
Healing your marriage will take dedication and perseverance, but the good news is that it can be done.
Take full responsibility for the affair
When you have betrayed your husband, you must acknowledge that you have inflicted anxiety, pain, and insecurity in him. You cannot expect your marriage to move forward if you do not take responsibility for your actions.
Your husband may have contributed to the breakdown of your relationship, but he did not force you to have the affair.
You may have felt lonely, rejected or neglected in the relationship, but you are the one who had an affair.
You may not have meant to hurt your husband, but you did it- deeply. And now his world is turned his world upside down.
You are the one who has caused him more pain than he could ever have imagined!
The earlier you can take responsibility, the sooner your marriage can start to heal.
A quick note why it hurts him so much
When you went outside the marriage, he no longer felt needed. All of a sudden, someone else could please you the way only he thought he could. In that way, he thought he was your hero. But now he will feel like a regular guy who doesn’t mean anything special to anyone.
There will also be pride issues, inparticular if the affair is public in some way. He may not be able to come to terms with his identity, (as someone whose wife had an affair) without breaking up the marriage.
There may be specific reasons as to why you cheated in the first place, but remember that infidelity is a choice. There are many other ways you would have approached the issues in your relationship, but you chose to have an affair. Forget about all the excuses; it was no accident.
The famous TV Doctor Dr. Phil thinks along these lines…
The one who cheats is solely responsible for his or her affair. No matter what problems exist in the relationship, and no matter how the betrayed spouse behaves him/she did not make you cheat, you chose that.
There are ways to deal with unhappiness in a marriage, but I assure you, cheating is absolutely not one of them. Cheating is merely a way to avoid dealing with either your personal shortcoming or the marital issues.
Cheating is about ego. It is selfish. Short of holding a gun to your head and forcing you to go outside the marriage, your spouse is not to blame for your affair. Own your stuff fully. – Relationship Rescue Written By Dr. Phil
Immediately cut all contact with the other guy
This rule is of paramount importance for a reason: you cannot be fully emotionally available to your husband when you are still emotionally attached to the other guy. It will not be easy if you had an established friendship with the other guy, but it is best if you completely stop seeing him. This will help you to resist the temptation to cheat again.
After you have cheated, one of the ways to earn your husband’s trust is by being completely honest. Madden indicates that withholding information from the betrayed spouses is completely devastating.
Many betrayed spouses say that what made them give up on their relationship was not the affair. It was the drip, drip, drip of the facts about the affair that slowly leaked over time. (Trickle Truthing). Just when the spouse was getting used to the facts that had been revealed, start to adjust and trust again -Boom, more information would surface.
Experts indicate that the best remedy is being upfront about everything from the start: how long the affair lasted, what you told the other guy about your marriage, where you went and what you did….. Everything.
Be accountable to your husband
Your husband needs a lot of proof that you are remorseful, serious, reliable and safe to love before he can trust you again. Rebuilding trust means rebuilding your credibility through complete accountability. This means that for a time, you will need to account for your time and actions.
Having to account for your every move may feel invasive, but it is non-negotiable. You might feel like you are being treated like a child; you may feel insulted; but, do you want your privacy or to save your marriage?
You may even swear that you have ended the affair, but your swearing means nothing right now.
The truth is that the blind, unconditional trust that your husband had in you has been destroyed, and regaining it is going to be a rite of passage.
As far as your marriage has gone so far, this is an extreme situation and extreme situations call for drastic measures.
Fact: your husband must catch you being ‘good’ in order to be able to trust you again.
For now, you must give up your passwords, access to your cellphones, email and social media accounts. The good news is that after a period of time of being caught being good, your husband’s need to check on you will diminish.
Are you willing to help your husband trust you again so that you can save your marriage?
Reassure your husband
It is unrealistic to think that your husband will get over the affair and move on immediately. You must reassure him over and over and over again, and as much as he needs it. Express remorse and repeatedly assure your husband that it will never happen again.
You turned his world upside down. Apologizing repeatedly is the least you can do. Your primary responsibility during this process is to show that you clearly understand what your husband has felt and experienced and to prove to him over and over that you truly regret it, and you are willing to earn back his trust, no matter what it takes.
You may think having to apologize repeatedly is hard. Well, think about how hard it is being your husband right now!
Allow your husband to set the pace of recovery: not you!
The process of recovering from infidelity is long and hard. After some time, you will feel that you have done all you can to help your husband heal and all you want is to put the affair behind your marriage and move forward. That is all good, but it is unfair and unrealistic.
Imagine you and your husband are climbing a mountain. You have already reached the summit but your husband is struggling to climb, and he is stuck. You are tired of waiting for him, and you want to get going. Will yelling at him to hurry up make him move any faster? The practical thing to do is to get down there and help him up.
It is the same case in this situation. You cannot dictate the pace at which your husband is going to heal.
Experts indicate that it takes at least two to five years for a marriage to get past an affair and reclaim the state of normalcy.
Do not push your husband and do not get impatient. He will seem happy one day and then avoid you the next. Sometimes he will need space. Sometimes he will cry about what you have done, ask a lot of questions, hurl judgment and even rage at you. Stand strong, stay faithful, keep apologizing and reach out with understanding.
Fact: Sometimes it will feel as if you are moving two steps forward and three steps back. Today you will be hopeful, and then tomorrow it will feel as if all hope is lost. Be patient. Pushing him to get over it before he is ready will only lead to further resentment.
You can survive this
Your marriage can survive the infidelity. Not only can it survive, but it can thrive. The journey will force both of you to do enormous amounts of introspection. You will learn a lot about yourselves and each other and become closer than ever before.
You might also get to resolve old issues that might never have been addressed. Your relationship will be kicked from its complacency, and you will learn what does not work.
You will both learn that your marriage is precious and that it is worth the effort. If you can get through this together, you will end up a stronger couple.
Learn from this experience
Choose to learn from the experience. The best place to start is to explore the real reason why you cheated. Be honest with yourself and your husband about what was going on in your relationship before you cheated. This might be an incredible opportunity to build a stronger, healthier marriage.
Don’t become a punching bag
You have hurt your husband, and now you have to face the consequences. That being said, there are limits. Your cheating does not give your husband the license to abuse or attack you.
Yes, you made a horrible mistake. However, it does not mean you are evil, and you should not dwell on it forever. You are human, and everyone makes mistakes. Eventually, find a way to forgive yourself.
Protect your marriage
It is not enough to lead your marriage towards healing. You must also cushion your relationship against future attacks:
Ensure the other guy has no access to you or your marriage.
Surround yourself with friends of your marriage; people who will support your choice to save the marriage and not sabotage the process.
Is this the end?
In short, your husband wants you to choose him and your marriage again. And for a while, it has to be the most important thing in your life. As said earlier, he needs to catch you in the act of being a good wife before he will trust you.
HOW AWESOME WOULD IT BE TO have your dream guy desire you and only you forever? To never fear that he will be attracted to other women while he is in a relationship with you…
While attracting his attention is one thing, getting him to develop a deep emotional attachment to you is another.
Why emotional attachment?
Emotional attachment is what will make a guy want to spend the rest of his life with you. It is what will make him go out of his way to make you happy.
Indeed, it is this attachment that will motivate your man to yearn to spend as much quality time with you as possible. It is because of emotional intimacy that your man will be blind to the miniskirts and push-up bras all around him, and come home to you every night.
It’s when he chooses you because he feels something he cannot get with anyone else. It’s on another level to physical attraction, commonalities or even compatibility. And it’s the level you want to be on to keep your dream guy coming back to you.
So how do you play at this level? Here are the 7 rungs to the emotional attachment ladder you need to climb to get there
1. Believe that love can last forever
There is nothing as painful as losing your man to someone else. While statistics on the success of relationships are not encouraging, research shows that many couples are still deeply in love after decades together. Scientists say that love can last – much more than we give it credit for.
Indeed, research in neuroscience has proven that intense romantic love can last a lifetime. It is, therefore, possible to not only get into a great relationship with your dream man, but it is also possible to nurture a fulfilling, long-lasting relationship. The secret is in creating a deep emotional intimacy with him.
2. Change your mindset
Many women work hard to attract the men of their dreams, but deep down they do not believe that they can experience long-lasting relationships. Your mindset is critical to the success of your relationship.
Consider the following beliefs that some of us hamper:
A man will always look for something more outside the relationship.
It is not going to work out, men always leave.
A man will always feel attraction for other women. 80% of long-term relationships fail anyway.
One woman cannot meet all the needs of a man.
These kinds of negative thoughts will sabotage your relationship even before it has started. If you bring fear, doubt, and reservation to your relationship, you will never form a deep emotional attachment to your partner.
Your mindset will determine the fate of your relationship. To develop a deep attachment to your man, you have to come from a position of power and faith.
As a woman, you are always influencing your partner. No matter what is happening around you, you can fulfill a man so much that he is so attracted to you that he does not notice any other woman. Haven’t you heard of men who have stuck to their wives like glue for life, completely in love?
You must have enough be confidence in yourself to believe that you can be enough for one man; forever. Once you have this confidence, you will attract commitment and devotion from your man.
You have no idea how much influence you have on your man when you dare to acknowledge that you already have it within you to be more than enough for your man for life.
3. Worship your man in the bedroom
To make a man feel deeply attracted to you, make him feel like your personal sex deity. Men love sex because it boosts their ego. For a man, sex is not just a physical activity.
Fact: A man who is in a serious relationship equates sex with love. It is his way of connecting with you. During sex, the bonding hormone: dopamine is released. During those intimate moments, oxytocin is also produced. Oxytocin is responsible for increasing a man’s attraction for you.
If you know your man well enough, you can keep these bonding chemicals flowing in his brain:
Discover your man’s sexual triggers and how to push his buttons to make him obsessed with you. Be open with your sexual affection.
Touch and caress your man lovingly and tenderly whenever an opportunity arises. This soothes him and invites him into an emotional connection.
Learn how to receive your man’s touch. Whenever your man touches you, relax into it like butter on a hot blade. Melt in his warmth.
Don’t be afraid to initiate sex. This excites your man and shows him that you want him as much as he wants you.
4. Become his haven
Through the passage of time, men have been elevated to close to perfection status: The ‘knight in shining armor syndrome.’ The man is expected to be strong, complete and whole in all the areas of his life. This has put tremendous pressure on many men. Many women attach a person to their man that he cannot possibly live up to.
The man has been denied the opportunity to have weaknesses, to cry, to fail, to be human. What unrealistic expectations many women have for their men! The truth is, like any other human being, your man needs a soft place to fall.
Offer him emotional and physical safety. Has he had a bad day? The moment he gets home, he should feel that he is walking into his haven. In your presence, he is not judged, and he feels protected from the world. Your emotional bond will never be broken.
Give him space to let his emotions out. The more your man can be himself around you, the more emotionally attached he will become.
Keep your man’s secrets. When he knows that he can come to you and share whatever is in his mind, you will become his confidant; his best friend. If he truly feels in his heart that he can trust you, he will never feel the need to stray away. He will genuinely let his guard down and become even more attached to you.
Teach your man that you have his back, that he can trust you like no other person on this planet. You will form an emotional bond that no one and nothing can break.
Rather than feel terribly disappointed when your man falls short, ask yourself, ‘how better you can support him?’
5. Build his adrenaline
Boredom can be a massive obstacle to emotional connection. You will form a stronger emotional bond if you keep things interesting. Research shows that couples who experience strong emotional attachment are those who enjoy participating in challenging and new activities.
In a relationship, you will sometimes get into those grey areas where nothing exciting is going on. Shaking things up now and then with something exciting is a good idea. When you get your man’s heart pumping, it tricks his brain into thinking that his excitement is arousal at being with you. This creates a deeper connection with you.
Remember: it is not how much time you spend together. It is how you spend the time that will increase your emotional attachment. And it does not have to be something elaborate. Seek out simple mentally challenging ways to break and spice up your daily routines.
6. Be supportive of his time alone
According to author Deborah Tannen, suffocating a man by denying him some free time is the fastest way to kill a relationship. A man needs breathing room in a relationship for his hobbies, his friends and to tail away on his projects so that he can feel fulfilled.
Dr. Rick Nauert says that giving a man space is especially important if he is under stress. He needs time to concentrate, reflect and figure out the next step.
If you can learn to sense when your man needs a break, all the better. Always set a time when your man will be back and make plans for later. You will always have more to talk about.
Smile when he says he is off to his man cave; give him a kiss. Your man will always feel seen, heard and treasured.
7. Always make him feel like he is your hero
Men want to be needed. He wants to feel like he adds to your life something that you cannot get anywhere else.
Have your man do things for you. Even if you can open that jar by yourself, having him open it will make him feel great about himself and more connected to you. Your man needs you to need him in your life. Period.
Praise your guy for all his accomplishments. You need to be his number one fan. He will want to excel in everything including your relationship. The emotional intimacy will grow because he knows he will always get a pat on his back.
Express gratitude for all the things he does for you. He does not make an effort to make you happy for no reason. Do not just be grateful for the nice things that he does for you, but for all his sacrifices out there to make you happy.
Affirm your man: Let him know that you believe that he can do whatever he puts his mind to because of all the fantastic qualities that he possesses. Men have tender egos. A man needs frequent reassurance about himself: his attractiveness, his career path and his efficacy as a partner. So let your praise loose.
Fact: The more your praise his positives, the more you will see them.
Remember, creating a deep connection with your man is all about engaging and connecting with him on ways that stimulate him. Focus your attention on your man now and then and ask yourself how you can make him feel special. If you do this it will help you will effortlessly thrive in your relationship.
If you want to know more about how men work, then I recommend you watch this short video on how men view commitment and relationships. It is an eye-opener.
Thanks for reading my guide on things every husband desires from his wife. If you have any comments queries or questions you can contact me here.
WHEN YOU LOOK AT HIM INSTEAD OF LOVE, you see a tired, impatient look in his eyes.
And all joy has drained from his life. He has not said anything, but you have started to feel less important than his work, his friends, and even his phone. Now you can hardly get him to spend any time with you. He always seems busy doing one thing or the other…
You try to win back his attention
And so you work even harder to attract his attention; to make him happy. You think that pleasing him will make things better, only to realize that your efforts only make him resentful.
You no longer feel validated, and affection has become a scarce commodity. And then it hits you; ‘Does my husband love me? or has he fallen out of love'
8 Signs that your husband does not love you anymore
Often, there are signs that your husband no longer loves you. The problem is not inadequate signs but that wives do not want to see and accept them. It is not easy to admit that your husband has fallen out of love with you.
The following signs may be an indication that your husband is losing interest in you.
Before reading on, prepare to step back from your relationship for a moment and examine it from the perspective of an outsider. It can be helpful to use a pen and paper and write down a yes or a no in a column to keep score as independently as possible.
1. Sudden absence
One telling sign that your husband doesn't love you anymore is his absence. All of a sudden, he needs a lot of space. You get a distinct feeling that your husband is avoiding you. Experts say that men who fall out of love with their wives start coming home late and spending more time away.
He will give excuses such increased work at the office. He might also start going more to the gym. If you have consistently been spending weekends together, he will start making other plans.
Eventually, his excuses for his absence become more and more flimsy. One thing that is apparent is that it becomes harder and harder to connect with him. This is a clear indication that something is wrong.
2. Lack of interest
A sure sign that your husband may not love you anymore is that he has become less and less interested in the day to day happenings of your life:
He is no longer interested in knowing how your day was.
He does not inquire about your hobbies and interests anymore.
He might start making plans without involving you.
He no longer compliments you, and you don’t feel that he appreciates you or that he is attracted to you anymore.
Generally, if your husband is no longer engaged in your life, it is a bad sign.
3. He has started to disrespect you
Your once loving husband has started to treat you rudely. He makes negative comments and criticizes you all the time. He may start verbally or emotionally abusing you, and his behavior has become passive-aggressive. You will find yourself walking on eggshells around him.
He might start to compare you with other women or your relationship with other couples’, in a negative light. Suddenly, everything you do irritates him, even those little quirks that he once thought were cute.
When you husband starts hurting you intentionally, this a clear indicator that he has lost interest in you.
4. He no longer cares about your emotional and sexual needs
There are many reasons why your sexual life can slump. However, if there is a definite shift in the way he interacts with you physically, it could mean that he is no longer attracted to you. If it feels as though the passion is completely dead and he shows no interest in reviving it, he is probably falling out of love with you.
You will notice that he is not doing anything to reciprocate your efforts at intimacy. If you realize that your husband no longer focuses on your needs or even bothers to satisfy them, something is wrong in your relationship.
5. The way he handles conflict has changed
When a partner has fallen out of love, he handles disagreements differently than he used to. All couples have their individual style of conflict resolution. However, when a couple’s relationship is stable, they use a relatively consistent method to solve their conflicts.
However, when love starts to wane, so does the attention to conflict resolution. Is your husband:
Indifferent; altogether giving up on arguing? He instead placates you and goes ahead to do what he wants anyway?
Picking abrupt and confusing fights and then using them as an excuse to leave the scene?
Choosing to stay angry long after you argued?
If your husband no longer genuinely wants to settle your conflicts and fix your relationship, then something else is going on with him.
6. He discusses your relationship in a negative, hopeless manner
Men are problem solvers. If there is a problem, especially with the woman that they love they will do everything to solve it.
When he falls out of love, he will not take any responsibility for the situation. He will blame you for everything that is wrong with your marriage. His tone will also turn from one of genuine curiosity to one of resignation. You will hear things like ‘I am just not happy anymore’; ‘is this all worth it?’
If he has decided that there is no way of fixing your relationship, he is looking for a way out of the marriage.
7. He has become obsessed with his phone or device
While he no longer communicates with you when you are a part, he will stay glued to his phone when you are together. This is a way of distracting himself from spending real time with you.
If he is flirting with someone else, he will never put his phone down in the fear that you will discover he is emotionally unfaithful (or even worse). If he no longer finds your presence stimulating, then he has probably lost all interest in you.
And the obvious one:
8. He stops telling you that he loves you
If your husband has shifted from saying ‘I love you’ to always just ‘me too,’ he is probably losing interest in you. If you observe this, stop saying ‘I love you’ for a few days and see what happens. If he also stops expressing his love, then clearly there is a problem.
We hope you have a much better picture of whether he loves you or not. This is a crucial moment in your relationship that will determine whether you will live happily ever after or he leaves you.
If you have kept score, and indeed discovered that he is losing interest in you, do not panic. Wondering whether a husband loves you is one of the most common questions many wives ask during a rough patch in their marriage. You are not alone, and you know what, your marriage can rise from these ashes and blossom once again.
Many times, a marriage needs to hit rock bottom before it can be rebuilt and revived.
Thanks for reading my guide on ‘does my husband love me?' – the checklist to know if he has checked out. You can contact me here
CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE IN MARRIAGE, and it can either lead to discovery or damage depending on how well you handle it. When you effectively deal with conflict, you will discover new approaches, ideas, and solutions to make your marriage even more vibrant. If you do not solve your conflicts promptly, the wounds fester and conflicts intensify.
The place of effective communication in a marriage
Conflict is not the problem in marriage; how to deal with conflict is the issue. Effective communication, therefore, becomes a large part of a successful marriage.
Research shows that communication problems are a significant indicator of marriage breakdown. 65% of marriages end in divorce when couples struggle with communication.
Research by Dr. Kirsten Grarningen of University College London revealed that communication problems are the leading cause of divorce in Britain. The trick to staving off divorce lies in having a better relationship, which is helped by having a strong communication channel between you and your husband.
It is no wonder most advice on how to fix a marriage encourages couples to talk it out. But what do you do when your husband doesn't want to talk about your problems? Do you leave him alone and assume he will come to you when he is ready? Do you allow issues to go unresolved and expose your relationship to further strain?
First things first; why won’t your husband talk to you?
There are many reasons why your husband could go quiet on you in the face of conflict.
He does not feel safe. Is it possible that the way you respond to your husband when you discuss difficult subjects has made him dread discussing tough issues with you? Do you become defensive and argumentative whenever you discuss your relationship problems?
Your husband fears that you will not be considerate of his feelings. Do you always try to control the conversation with your husband? Do you tell him to get over his hurt already? Why should he talk to you about this critical issue when you will disregard his feelings like you have done every other time?
Your husband could be unsure about his feelings about the situation, and he wants to think them through before speaking to you.
Your husband could be worried about making a complicated issue even worse.
Important to note: you must recognize that an individual cannot not communicate. Even when your husband is not talking, he is communicating. The question is, what is he saying to you?
What to do when your husband won’t talk to you
Successful negotiation is a vital part of a healthy relationship. Your husband is avoiding negotiating with you by his silence. Unfortunately, issues will not solve themselves and they will not go away by being ignored. Your marriage needs serious attention right now.
To start the healing of your marriage, you must kick-start communication with your husband. Since verbal communication is temporarily on hold, what alternatives do you have?
Put it in writing
Sometimes an effective way to get your husband to open up is to use an unexpected method of communication. There are many practical advantages of putting your thoughts in writing:
A letter gives you more time to think about what exactly you want to convey.
It allows you to choose the right words for the message that you have in mind.
You can pour out your heart without having to worry about being interrupted or tripping over your words.
How to make the most out of your letter
You are hoping to achieve a number of things with your letter: you want to get your husband back to the negotiation table. You are also hoping that writing the letter will be the start of the journey back to reconciliation with your husband. It is therefore important that you consider how your letter is going to be perceived.
Do not focus on yourself in the letter. The most important thing right now is to focus on the feelings of your husband but not your own. ‘My heart is breaking, and I don’t know what I will do if I lose you’… You can sprinkle the letter with a few of these phrases but watch out that the entire letter is not all about you.
Your husband is dissatisfied with your marriage as it is presently. For your letter to have an impact, it must clearly show how things will be different going forward.
Hint: Men crave physical intimacy. Your husband will respond even better to references for improving your physical relationship.
A carefully written letter can be the catalyst for reconciling your marriage as long as it is followed up with the right actions. We understand that writing letters (especially emotional ones) can be daunting. Feel free to look at the sample letter below and tweak it to suit your situation.
I will never forget the elegance I saw when I first set my eyes on you. I told you every day how handsome you are (often with some irritation). You were and still are everything I want in a man: you are ambitious, hardworking and honest. You are a man of integrity and honor.
I still remember when we first met: we enjoyed each other’s company and our days were filled with laughter. I felt loved and wanted. Your zest for life was infectious. I knew then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. That has not changed, and it will never change.
The last ten years have been adventurous. We have been blessed with our children, we have set up a thriving business, and we have bought our home. But we have also tasted the bitter side of life: we have stared at bankruptcy and survived a horrible accident. Through it all, you have been my rock.
You are smart, talented and capable and when things are happening around us, no one makes me and our children feel as whole and safe as you do. I believe in you. I know I do not say this often. Forgive me for taking you for granted.
I admit that I am not as wise as you are and I have not been as patient as you. I know that I can be a mystery to you. You are pretty steady and consistent, and I am much less so. I am more emotional and sensitive than you to things that happen.
I know that I sometimes lash out at you when things do not go my way. I frustrate you a lot of times. I admit that the way I have handled our arguments in the past was not always very constructive. I have walked out in the middle of arguments and shut you out. I now realize how damaging my behavior has been to our relationship.
I regret the many things that I have said and done that have hurt your feelings. I am sorry for not being more attentive to you. Forgive me for all the times I disrespected you and made you feel anything less than the great man you are. Forgive me for putting our marriage in jeopardy.
I have reflected deeply, and I know where I have erred. I am now willing to begin the process of changing for the better. I plead for another chance to make things right. I will respect you and listen to you patiently. I will put your concerns into consideration. I will meet your needs to the best of my ability. Please help me to put our family back together.
I miss our late night conversations. I miss your cuddles and kisses. Please talk to me.
What happens next…
Writing a letter like this can be daunting. Putting everything on the line like this can feel like your giving him all the power in the relationship.
But to save your marriage you must try.
Give him some time to get back to you. It might take him a while for it all to sink in, but at the same time, don't let it drag on for months.
If the letter you write doesn't have the desired effect then you do still have choices. There is also affordable professional assistance here. This is a DIY guide which will help educate and inform you on what else you can do to get through to your husband and turn your marriage around.
Best of luck in your situation and thanks for reading this guide on how to write a letter to husband to save marriage. If you want more tips, advice, and help on saving your marriage then join the newsletter list below.
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Note: This is my review of the Language Of Desire program after getting a copy and reading/listening to it. Others may experience the program differently. I have used the program and my knowledge of other programs in writing this review.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS, IT’S LIKELY that your relationship isn’t exactly where you want it to be…
And the issue at the core is that your husband isn’t as open and honest with you as you’d like. Maybe you feel like he’s keeping things, or simply not telling you what he thinks, and you're tired of being kept ‘out of the loop’ and trying to put things together yourself.
I know as a man that it’s not that I don’t want to share, it’s that I feel like my wife doesn’t really want me to share. The good news is that how to overcome this problem, is in the program.
What is the Language Of Desire in one sentence?
An upfront and honest guide on how to build and strengthen your relationship with your man using intimacy.
The Language Of Desire (LOD)… in More Detail
At its core, LOD is a written and audio program designed to show you how to get your mans attention, keep it, and build a deeper relationship between the two of you.
The how is through sex.
The reason IS NOT that you have to ‘become a slut’ but actually because sex gets a mans attention… pretty much every time. It simply plain works. Your man doesn’t want you to become a slut. But he does want you to worship him among other factors. And due to the kids, the house, our careers and life in general, these factors get forgotten about or neglected in our relationships.
As well as the fact that we don’t really get taught how to build strong relationships, have great sex and increase our levels of intimacy with a partner… the only places that talk about these topics are movies, magazines, celebrity-based websites, and maybe friends…
But none of these are really great teachers.
Enter Felicity Keith
She had enough of what others were telling her because it wasn’t working. So she decided to figure it out for herself. And the Language Of Desire program is her manifesto/little-black-book. Her tell-all guide on what she found, and more importantly, how you can make a difference in your relationship with your man.
One of the best parts of this program is that it cuts the crap. (Which is why I was interested enough to get a copy and review it in the first place).
Simply put there are things that you can do to turn your intimacy around. And this book covers many of them.
It doesn’t cover everything. But if you're looking for something to do to get your intimacy back on the right track, or want something you can do pretty much straight away. This will give you those tools, techniques, and tips.
There’s also the reasons why covered in this program. Why a particular technique works, and what issue you are potentially solving with it. As well as how you can customize what you are doing to really get his attention.
For example, LOD reveals the tricks porn companies use to seduce men and keep them coming back for more. It also discloses exactly how women act in porn and exactly why it turns men on so much.
You will also learn why what you are currently doing is not working, and how your man sees it through his eyes. It’s a great eye opener as your actions may not convey what you are trying to tell him.
There is also a section in this program about how to get what you want. And how to supercharge your intimacy in your relationship, and bring him closer (the science behind that is in the program).
So without further adieu:
Note: If you want to go straight to the pros and cons and my verdict, then keep scrolling down in the review. The next section covers what you actually get in the program.
What’s In Each Module In The Program
Module One: Introduction
Module Two: Become a Sexual Superwoman
Learn to dump your fear over the “slut” label
Determine your sexual boundaries
Discover your growl-inducing Madonna Moan
Module Three: Loving Man’s Best Friend (hint: it’s not his dog)
Understand the secrets of his sex drive
Learn why his penis is so important to him
Rethink pornography (this one is controversial!)
Learn The Porn Destroyer
Module Four: Brain Chemistry and Sex
Explore how desire and sex work with our primitive brain
Using the potent Cuddle Hormone technique
Have fun with Pavlov’s Erection technique
Learn the power of Sexual Singularity
Module Five: Create an Erotic Action Movie
Make him the star of your own sexy movie script
Writing your script step by step
Learn a variety of ways to share your movie with him
Module Six: Desire Intensifiers
Masterfully crank up the sexual heat
Make him pant with desire with the Tease Intensifier
Learn a blow job to blow his mind with the Oral Intensifier
Snap “him” to attention with Verbal Viagra
Module Seven: For the Single Ladies
Use dirty talk effectively when dating
Get him to commit with the Monogamous Male Maximizer
How to go from Friend-Zone to Fantasy Girl
Module Eight: Getting Your Fantasies Met
Planting desire seeds
Have dirty fun with The Lust Mirror technique
Practically read his mind using Erotic Telepathy
Make him your hero with the Romance Rotator
Explore your kinky side with 50 Shades of Experimenting
Module Nine: When “Sex” Isn’t Possible
Getting around life’s sexual obstacle course
Learn how to be dirty from a distance
Use the No Touch Lay to keep things hot
Learn about the Invisible Chastity Belt (it’s more fun than it sounds)
Module Ten: Master Class
What if he’s a cold fish
Fine-tune your technique
Plan out your dirty deeds
Language Of Desire Bonus Content
This 12 page text guide is the body language accompaniment to the Language Of Desire program. The guide includes how to use your body to send signals straight to his subconscious brain, and how to amp up attraction and his attention when your out in a social group together. Caters for both single and those in a relationship.
Some good insights, some general knowledge, and plenty of techniques. This quick read is at the very least a good reminder of how to subtly get the message across and keep his attention squarely fixed on you.The techniques are kind of blunt so discretion is advised while practising them in public. Overall a good addition as there is something here for every woman.
Good Girl's Guide to Texting Dirty
This 15 page text guide includes 200 text messages to help you get over your creative block when it comes to getting things started with your man. The texts involve one liners, all the way through to intimate stories and private conversations over text. There are some introductory information here as well if your wondering which type of message you should pick.
A lot of templated text messages. This will help even the more subdued and shy get the message across. There are different types of messages including direct and indirect here, something for everyone. A great way for both of you to start the day.
Unstoppable Confidence with Michael Griswold
This 90 minute audio (with transcription) is an interview with the relationship coach Michael Griswold (interviewed by Michael Fiore.) It covers:
The one most desirable trait that men find in a woman (it isn’t what you think it is)
The two things (Michael G thinks) a woman needs to do to get a man to fall in love with her
The three types of women Michael sees when doing his relationship work
… Along with many other areas of interest
This 90 minute conversation includes some new insights and different ways of looking at different relationship dynamics. It is quite casual (almost like a conversation) and a lot is covered. This isn’t going to suit everyone. The particular information along with how it is delivered isn’t for everyone, but it’s good to listen to get a difference in opinion.
It’s important to note that Michael G is covering information that is different from the main program, and this bonus doesn’t add to LOD, it gives a different perspective.
The Language Of Desire Program – What you will learn:
The powerful little secret that will make your man addicted to you and re-energize the intimacy in your marriage
How to protect your relationship and create a bond so strong other women won't be able to make your man stray
What you can do to get his erection on a string for you to control
The phrase you can use to start a open and honest conversation with him, if he’s always telling you what he's really thinking
What you can text to him right now that will have him thinking about you all day and very excited to see you when you get home
One thing men hate about relationships with particular women, and how you can avoid it
How you can get and keep his attention while he is engrossed in something else
How to build a portfolio of experiences he loves in your relationship that will bond you two forever
How to subtly change your relationship from more like roommates to lovers again
How to grow your connection and his confidence in your relationship
Why men hate nagging, how to identify it and a simple technique to fix it
Why your man might be sexually repressed and how you can help him get in touch with his inner stag – binding him to you forever
The 6 fantasy themes and how to identify how your man fantasies about sex when your not around
How to make your man become more attentive and romantic
Why your sex life isn’t what it used to be, and how to get it back on track
How you can turn a mundane situation, into an intimate one
How to keep him thinking about you, even when he’s hundreds of miles away
The best way to use your past intimate experiences, to create new future experiences
What to do when he doesn’t respond to your advances the way he used to
The vital elements of planning your intimate time with your man
And quite a bit more!
A Quick Note on ‘Who is Felicity Keith?’
The LanguageOfDesire.com says that Felicity Keith is a regular woman who, after a relationship shock has taken the time to learn about relationships, men and women and what they want.
Although I haven’t spoken to Felicity directly, she reads the audio version of the program. She also uses email to ‘check in’ after you get the program to see how you are doing and deliver a few more pointers.
PROS and CONS
This program is Felicity’s experience. While going through the program, she will drop in stories or bits and pieces about her life which I think make the program more relatable.
It’s easy to tell from the program that she is quite experienced in this area, and has knowledge. Because of this, she breaks things down really well and makes them quite easys to understand and follow. She doesn’t hold back either, it’s quite a comprehensive program.
Plenty of done for you
There are tasks that you need to do in this program, but as far as wanting to get started straight away there is plenty templates and done-for-you samples that you can use to get started.
You could literally be texting or telling him something you learned 20 minutes after getting your copy. As a man, these techniques would work on me. So you will be sure to get a rise out of him.
Plenty of exercises
They will take work. About 2 weeks i reckon
They will stretch your comfort zone in a good way. Even if you just work on one or two of them to begin with.
I like having the audio program to listen to in the car and when I can't read. But the quality is poor. It sounds like Felicity (who also reads the program) is on the other end of a phone line. Also the audio files aren’t ordered when you download it. So if you want to listen to the whole thing in order, you will need to organize it yourself before putting it in your car.
The program comes in a PDF. But there isn’t much logical flow, and i found myself getting confused at which point i was in the program. Especially at the start. Even when following the pdf i felt a little lost. The modules seem to be independent, which is good, but when first going through it i didn’t like it.
This program is not for the easily offended or women who simply don’t want to go into depth about sex and changing how you look at your relationship in the bedroom.
The program centres itself around sex. The program delves into some of the rauncher aspects of life. This may be an issue for some readers. The program is quite explicit in it’s language. Felicity doesn’t hold back in what to say and do. Some of the ideas and techniques might also be a bit much for some.
Overall (My Opinion)
Felicity, is well versed and you can tell her experience when going through the program. She answers the most common questions in FAQ sections along the way. There is also a customer support email that you can use to ask any questions you might have. Felicity talks about comments, although i cannot see where to leave any (i assume email customer support)
There is plenty of ideas, techniques, tips, stories and samples in this program. In this way it is a good way to get started. It is also a good way to get into things.
What some people may not like is that it does cover a lot of sexual stuff. You may not be comfortable with some of the stuff (some would be weird for me), but the program does give a wide selection, there will be a few things here that you will want to try.
There is a good mix between theory and action here. You can understand why it works and there are some examples and guides on what to do next. Step by step.
This program isn’t going to fix all your problems. But there is a lot of tools in here to help a intimacy starved relationship.
Mr Recommendation (after having gone through the program)
Something important to note is that the Language Of Desire is mostly about meeting his needs. There is a section in the program about getting your needs met. But i think generally, The theory i think behind it is, if you make him happy, he will make you happy.
So, if your after something that is focused on making you happy then there could be two things.. Either this isn’t the program for you, or you will have to be patient and see what your man does after you follow the program.
This program will educate you to become a better partner, and lover. While reading and listening, there were at least a few points that I did not know, or had misconceptions about particular things that LOD helped me identify.
Overall i do recommend this program. I would think that after this program the quality of your relationship will improve.
I think it’s likely that you will take at least 2-3 things away from it and use them on your man. He will be happily surprised and going through the program and understanding what he wants will lead your relationship with him on a new trajectory.