How to Deal with Emotional Affairs

How to Deal with Emotional Affairs - Man on Bed Texting Other Woman

Therapists indicate that while 15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men have confessed to having had sexual affairs, an additional 20 percent of married couples have admitted to having emotional infidelity.

About emotional infidelity

Often, emotional affairs start innocently as friendship. It could be former lovers who reconnect and start updating each other about what has transpired in the intervening years.

They may then go on to compare the partners they ended up with and their shortcomings. They will talk about their marriages, and the marital issues they could be facing.

Other times, people may start out as colleagues or acquaintances. They are spending some time together, and in the course of their busy days, they begin to confide in each other.

The conversations may then become more personal, more intimate. They might, for instance, discuss what is missing in each other’s marriage: which desires have gone unmet, and the hopes that have not been fulfilled.

As conversations evolve and become more and more intimate, the two people feel seen and heard. They create their own virtual relationship that is devoid of the messiness of day to day life.

The relationship eventually becomes a unique and private treat, one that must be kept hidden. And yet, the two people do not feel like they are doing anything wrong. After all, there is no physical contact; and they are not having sex.

Still, an emotional affair is a big deal

According to a renowned marriage therapist, Esther Perel, infidelity contains one or more of these three elements:

  • Sexual tension
  • Emotional involvement
  • Secrecy  

Further, she indicates that affairs hurt more because of the secrets and the violation of trust.

The most damaging factor of emotional infidelity is the deception, the lies and the feelings of betrayal. It hurts knowing that a partner is sharing things with someone else that should be reserved for the special relationship between the two of you.

How to deal with a husband’s emotional infidelity

Dealing with an emotional affair can be really difficult.

He may not see this is a big deal since they view the relationship as harmless. They are guilt free because they are not having sex. The following tips will help you deal with your husband’s emotional affair.

Don’t take it personally

Having discovered your husband’s infidelity, you are probably obsessing about what you could have done differently.

Blaming yourself and saying, “if only you had of:”

  • Listened more to the challenges he is facing at work;
  • Just had more sex
  • Accompanied him to the games
  • Dressed better and put on more makeup …

… Maybe your husband would not have gone out to find someone else.

Of course, emotional affairs do not happen in a void. There is often space created in the relationship for a third person to enter.

But,

Your husband’s affair is not your fault. It was his decision.

Keep distance

When you discover your husband’s infidelity, your emotions will run wild: anger, sadness, and even guilt.

It is therefore essential that you remove yourself from your husband so that you can process the situation. Taking time off will help you find some clarity. Whatever steps you take need to be well thought out.

Decide the next steps

As you process your husband’s betrayal, it is essential that you start thinking of the next steps. This is obviously not something that you have to do right away. Having worked through your feelings, it is time to consider how you want the rest of your life to look like.

Do you:

  • Have the strength to work through what happened?
  • See yourself staying with your husband and being happy again?
  • Think you need to move on?
  • Want to see a counsellor?

Decide if the marriage can be saved

This is the time to take stock of your marriage. How important is this marriage to you? Is it worth saving? Also, assess what other things are important to you.

  • What are you the priorities in your life?
  • What values do you hold most essential in a relationship?
  • Are you capable of forgiving and reconciling with your husband?

Answering these questions will help you decide how to move forward.

If you commit to saving your marriage:

Determine what drove your husband to the emotional affair

There is really no justifiable reason for your husband to have had an emotional affair, but certain weaknesses in your relationship could have made it easy for your husband to start confiding in another woman.

It is, therefore, only prudent that you examine the possible reasons for the affair, especially if you want to save your marriage. Going over the possible reasons for the emotional involvement will inform you which areas of your relationship you need to nurture and strengthen.

Admit your own faults

While it was purely your husband’s decision to deal with his issues by having an emotional affair, it is crucial for you to identify possible things about you that might have allowed this to happen.

Have you probably been too busy lately that you have not been able to spend time with him? Are you judgmental? Are you emotionally distant? You might just identify things that you can do to reduce the chances of infidelity in the future.

Demand total openness

If you are to save your marriage, do not allow your husband to continue his emotional affair no matter how harmless he feels it is. It is essential to ensure that your husband understands that he cannot continue with the affair and still stay married to you.

Assure him that your marriage can be worked out but that it will need equal effort from both of you. Let him know that his time, effort and energy cannot be diverted elsewhere if the marriage is to work.

Make it clear to your husband that he must stop all communication with the other woman. Ask him to make a decision and stick to it, if he wants to save his marriage.

Take care of your self

While you should allow yourself to grieve, do not get too caught up in your despair. It is imperative that you take care of yourself:

  • Keep yourself busy. Investing time in a new project will help you find a healthy balance between acknowledging your pain and taking care of yourself. Enroll in a cooking class or join a new book club: Do not allow your mind to dwell on the betrayal 24/7
  • Ensure you get enough sleep each night. Without enough sleep, you will find dealing with the situation even more difficult. Try melatonin or request your doctor to prescribe something stronger.
  • Get your heart rate up every day. Dance, take a walk or go for aerobics. Getting your heart rate going is an excellent way to deal with the stress. The dopamine that your body will produce will help even out your emotions, and you will feel much better

If you take care of yourself will help you survive the infidelity much more easily.

You will survive

The pain that you feel right now is intense, and it may feel like things will never get better.

But, think back to your life. Do you have things that have previously happened to you that you probably thought were too much for you to handle? But didn’t you survive them? Didn’t you learn something from them? Aren’t you glad that you went through some of them since they probably changed the direction of your life?

This situation is the same. It is just another curveball in the story that is your life. You can survive it. Look to the future and start creating the kind of future you want. The emotional affair does not have to destroy your marriage.

With forgiveness and patience, you can save your marriage. Continue to nurture your marriage with the exclusivity it deserves, and you just might enjoy your marriage like never before.

What Next…?

Thanks for reading this guide on How to Deal with Emotional Affairs. You can get through this and become stronger, it will take some time.

In the mean time, sign up to the email newsletter to stay in touch. Details below

“Why did my Husband Cheat on Me?”

Why did my husband cheat on me - man and woman in bed not talking

Every woman believes that men cheat,

But,

Every woman believes her husband is different. And that her marriage is different.

The truth is that any marriage can become vulnerable to an affair. Experts indicate that even marriages that seem to be strong can suffer infidelity under certain circumstances. It is further commonly believed that men cheat more than women.

According to a study that was carried out in 2017, 22% of married men indicated that they have strayed when still married. This is compared to 14% of married women. While these numbers appear low, they are still too high for the comfort of the marriage institution.

You are not necessarily at fault

When a husband cheats, the wife is left feeling that she is at fault or there is an underlying problem with the relationship. However, experts say that this could not be further from the truth. Marriage therapists indicate that your husband could still be tempted to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with you or the quality of the feelings that you share.

According to Dr. Fran Walfish, issues that lead your husband to cheat fall into one of two categories: a problem with the husband or a problem with the relationship.

For instance, if you are married to a philandering man, you cannot hope to change his predatory ways and you cannot turn around and blame yourself when he eventually cheats on you. On the other hand, the husband who sleeps with a colleague might be searching for something that is lacking in the relationship.

Why did my husband cheat on me?

There is never a good reason for your husband cheating on you. However, if you are currently trying to piece together your marriage, knowing the reason for the infidelity might help you to not only get to the root of the issue but also move forward.

Unmet emotional needs

Cheating is not always about a physical upgrade. Sometimes it is more about unmet emotional needs. In my research I read a forum where a woman was in shock after she discovered that the woman whom her husband had slept with was in her opinion ‘ugly.’

And it got me wondering why guys sleep with their housekeepers and even assistants, who are sometimes much less attractive and less elegant than the wives. Gary Neuman interviewed 200 men about their infidelity.

88% of the men indicated that their affair partner was not physically more attractive than their wives. 94% of the men said that they did not have sex the first night they met the affair partner while 40% revealed that they met their affair partner through paperwork.

In other words, men didn’t have an affair with a woman necessarily because she was younger, prettier or sexier than their wife. They cheated with women they had a sort of connection with.

What emotional needs?

The myth has been propagated for a long time that men are not emotional beings: that their first and foremost need is sex. But according to Dr. Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, man's greatest need is admiration, respect, and praise. However, men will not ask for it because they fear that their wives will think they are weak or pathetic.

Unfortunately, many women, instead of praising their men, they tease them about their weaknesses and ridicule them. This is the most convenient way to send your husband straight into the admiring arms of another woman.

The other woman makes him feel good

Your husband wants you to make him feel good: both physically and emotionally.

  • A man wants to be with someone
  • He can let his guard down with
  • Who makes it safe for him to be himself
  • Who allows him to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable without judgment.

Your husband also wants to feel needed and desired. He doesn’t want to feel pressured to act strong all the time.

He needs more (or better sex) but doesn’t want to leave you.

Your husband has asked for more frequent or more adventurous sex, and you have consistently turned him down. Now it has reached a point where he believes that you do not want to have sex with him, yet he still wants to be with you.

Sex matters to your husband

For your man, sex matters as much as affection and security matter to you. It is central to how he connects with you, and it’s how he feels loved by you. He translates your lack of enthusiasm for sex as contempt for his sexual desire, and it crushes him. Your rejection of him makes him feel embarrassed and hurt.

Now, since he loves you, should he stay with you and miss out on one of his primary needs; leave you despite loving you and face the consequences of splitting up his family; or stay with you and have an affair?

He is worried about his sexual performance

Research by The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University revealed that men who have sexual performance problems have a higher likelihood of being unfaithful. The possible explanation for this that a man will feel less nervous and less inhibited when he is with someone who is not his partner. He is also less concerned about his performance when he is with a stranger. This helps the man to lower the pressure of performance.

Another possible reason is that the man is trying to help himself overcome his sexual issues in an environment that is free from embarrassment and ridicule; which is what they are likely to feel when they underperform with their partner.

He is immature

One of the main reasons why men cheat is because they are immature. An immature man is also heavily impulsive. He will give in to his basic temptations and desires without caring about the repercussions of his actions. An immature guy also lacks empathy and sense of responsibility that would keep him from cheating on his wife. He thinks in terms of ‘me’ instead of ‘we’ and rationalizes that as long as the wife doesn’t find out, he is not hurting anyone.

He is insecure

When a man is insecure, he may feel unworthy of being with his wife and continually worries about maintaining his wife’s interest level. He will constantly need the wife’s approval and reassurance. An insecure man is typically very needy, and he requires continuous validation.

The results of a research that was published in the Journal of Family Psychology revealed that a man who is insecure is more likely to cheat. This is because he ends up looking for reassurance and affirmation from other women. This man is so worried about losing his wife that it can actually drive him to cheat. If he feels that he is too old, too young, too thin, too fat, too weak, too …..; for his wife to continue desiring him, he will sabotage his marriage as he seeks to reassure and reaffirm his worth and desirability.

Unrealistic expectations

Some men get married thinking that their life will be fantastic. They probably expected that the wife would meet all their whims and desires without fail. In their unrealistic mind, they forget that the wife will be juggling multiple responsibilities. When the wife inevitably ‘fails’ them, they start looking for attention elsewhere.

It’s an exit strategy

Sometimes, a man who is unhappy in his marriage will try out a new relationship. The theory is because he is not 100 percent sure whether he should terminate the marriage or not.

Maybe he is tired of being criticized and being unhappy, but there still some good times in the relationship. He also doesn’t like being alone, and he wants to find a softer landing should the relationship end. The man could also be a coward. He wants to break up, but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He hopes that the wife will find out about the affair and do the dirty job of breaking up with him.

So you may have found why… but what now?

When your husband cheats, you might be thinking what have done to drive him into the arms of another woman.

But now you know the reasons men cheat, why do you think he did it?

Unfortunately, some reasons for cheating cannot be ‘fixed’. But if you don’t know already, you need to find out if he is genuinely remorseful

After you have reviewed the reasons why your husband cheated, you're now in a better position to decide what to do. If you have any stake at all in his cheating and he is genuinely remorseful, then you can embark on rebuilding your marriage.

10 Signs He Wants a Divorce Even When He Says Everything is OK

Signs he wants a divorce - Man and woman on couch not speaking

WHEN YOU THINK YOUR MARRIAGE is in trouble, it's natural to want all the information you can gather

The fact is that there is only one person who can provide you with this information – your husband. Unfortunately, the highest likelihood is that he will not be forthcoming…

He may still be undecided

Your husband may not be talking about divorce because he has genuinely not decided if he is going to leave. There may be times when he is away from you and he is sure that he wants to leave. But when he spends time with you or he sees the children, he changes his mind and wishes things could go well between you.

Also, if your husband really cares about your marriage, he may still want to give your marriage the best chance for survival. Even if you press him for information, what you get may be premature because he also doesn't know what he wants at this point.

10 Signs your husband wants a divorce

All marriages go through phases of doubts, fights, blame, and tension. Just because you are going through a difficult period in your marriage does not mean that your marriage is in trouble.

Some signs of a breaking marriage are obvious while others are subtle. Noticing warning signs is essential in salvaging your marriage or ensuring that you do not get the short end of the stick should your husband go through with the divorce.

1. There is no communication

One of the pillars of a healthy marriage is effective communication. Although lack of communication may have contributed to the deterioration of your relationship, further changes in your husband’s communication patterns may signal that it is truly over.

2. He attacks you instead of the problem

When you discuss the issues in your marriage;

  • Does your husband do it in a way that implies something is wrong with you?
  • Are you always wrong while he is always right?
  • Does he end up attacking your character or personality instead of focusing on the issues?
  • Does he use generalization; ‘you always,’ ‘you never…….’
  • Do you lately feel under attack from your husband anytime you have a serious discussion?

This is could be an indication that your husband is no longer interested in the marriage.

3. Your husband expresses his contempt towards you

You will notice that his comments towards you have changed from affectionate to critical. He will criticize your weight, appearance and everything else in between.

Does your husband mock you, call you names, roll his eyes or becomes hurtfully sarcastic when you bring issues up? Does he attack your self-worth? Your husband is no longer interested in solving issues, an indication that he is no longer interested in this marriage.

4.  Your husband is always on the defensive

Your husband treats every discussion like an attack. He keeps acting like a victim and makes lots of excuses. He will ignore everything you say and counter it with complaints. He will also stonewall and walk out of conversations.

These signs show that your husband is no longer interested in communicating with you and he no longer cares about how your arguments turn out. They also indicate that he thinks that finding a solution is pointless.

This behavior also shows that your husband has stopped caring and he is unwilling to put any more emotional investment in something he no longer believes in.

5. Change of focus

Is your husband spending more time away from home than normal? Has he put more of himself into his work, business, children, friendships or hobbies? Does he seem to care more about his appearance? Has he changed his looks significantly?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, your husband might be working towards a divorce. Also, if your husband has made significant changes in his routine, he could be building a separate social life in preparation for divorce or dating.

6. Your husband has started to move money around

Is your husband transferring money around without informing you? Probably withdrawing from the joint account or having salary deposited into a new account under his name?

Maybe he used to receive bonuses at work but he has not received them for some time, yet you know that he should be receiving them. He is either supporting someone else or anticipating a split.

A sudden change in behavior concerning money could be a sign that your husband wants to leave the marriage. This is especially the case if you have been making your financial decisions together. If his behavior is inconsistent with previous agreements, it is the clearest indication that your relationship is on the rocks.

Divorce never starts without careful financial planning. Your husband’s peculiar interest in financial matters is probably an indication that he is seeing an attorney who is asking him questions that he does not have an answer to.

7. Hidden Assets

One of the most obvious red flags for an impending divorce is your husband hiding assets.

You may notice new bank statements in the mail or realize that old statements are no longer coming. You may also find that you can no longer log into online Accounts. You may realize that your husband is lying about taxes and income.

If you notice suspicious activities of this nature, it could mean that your husband is hiding assets. Likely to protect them from the property division part of the upcoming divorce.

8. Your husband has withdrawn his affection

If your husband has become emotionally distant, this is a strong indication that he has checked out of the marriage.

Although it is common for the frequency of sexual intercourse to fluctuate in the course of a marriage, what is not normal is for a husband to avoid any form of intimacy with you.

If you realize that your husband rebuffs your efforts to be intimate with him, he is probably sharing that intimacy with another person and considering a divorce.

9. Your husband is reluctant to make joint decisions about the future

Is your husband reluctant to discuss the possibility of having another child? Does he no longer want to invest in a new home, even when you have considered it in the past, and you can afford it? What about vacations and plans for the summer? Is he avoiding a discussion about those too?

If your husband has suddenly stopped participating in decisions involving your future together, it is a huge red flag. The reason for your husband’s refusal to commit to the future could be that he doesn’t see you having one together.

10. Your husband withdraws physically

When you first met you were always physically close. There was plenty of sex and it was great. Now he seems withdrawn.

Some men have a hard time being physical with a woman they feel detached from. So him pulling away from sex can be a sign.

So what now..?

Just because your husband is exhibiting these behavior doesn’t mean he is definitely filing for a divorce. It could simply indicate that there is trouble in your relationship and if you act now, you could turn things around before matters get any worse.

If you answered yes to 5 or more of the points above then it's time to take action. It's quite unlikely with this many signs that it is a coincidence.

If you are not sure what the next steps are to recovering your marriage then there are specialists who can help. You can look at going to marriage counseling which is more of a formal step and may help your marriage.

However, if you want to start now and/or you don't think he will agree to any formal solutions then there is another option. There are more ‘DIY' programs that specialists in marriage breakdown have put together. You can see what they have to offer here.

EXPERT ADVICE – “I Cheated On My Husband Now He Wants A Divorce”

I Cheated on My Husband now He Wants a Divorce - Man handing back ring

I Cheated on My Husband now He Wants a Divorce - Man handing back ring

IF YOU ARE trying to dig yourself out of the enormity of an affair, and now you desire to fight for your marriage, this article is for you.

But first things first. Can your marriage be saved? The answer is yes!

It is very possible to rebuild your marriage if you are willing to do the work. Experts in relationship breakdown indicate that your ability to save your marriage has less to do with the circumstances of the affair but the responses of both you and your husband towards the affair.

Marriages do not end because of the infidelity; they end because of how infidelity is dealt with. Psychology Today.

Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, indicates that couples divorce after affairs because the betrayed spouse simply gives up trying when the cheating spouse continues to be shady, selfish and untrustworthy.

In a study, the highest divorce rate was among couples who had secret infidelity at 80%. In contrast in marriages where the affair did come to light, the divorce rate was 43%.

The study had further good news for couples who stayed together after an affair. Both infidelity and non-infidelity couples had similar levels of marital stability, and they were indistinguishable in their relationship satisfaction at the five-year mark.

So, you see, your affair is devastating but it is not necessarily disastrous for the long haul. Your marriage can rise from these ashes and thrive once again.

Take full responsibility for the affair

This seems obvious, but it is not. Many times, wives justify their affair by blaming their husband. ‘He was not meeting all my needs, so I turned to another man'. Here’s the truth; no matter what state your marriage was in when you cheated, you made the decision to be unfaithful.

You had other choices. There were certainly contributing factors in your decision to break your marriage vows. However, you must take full responsibility for your decision.

Do not justify your infidelity! Do not give excuses and flimsy reasons. Do not blame your husband for your actions!

Look your husband in the eye and sincerely apologize; without any Buts!  Tell your husband that you will do whatever it takes to fix the situation and help him heal from the pain that you have caused him.

Server your relationship with the other man

The priority right now is to help your husband to recover, which may involve significant life changes. An affair with someone in your social groups means that you may have to change your friends; an affair at work may mean that you find another job.

The bottom line is, do whatever it takes to server all contacts with the third party.

Rebuild your husband’s trust

You must commit to live a transparent life in order to win your husband’s trust.

Prepare to be more open and honest than you have ever been. Your husband will want to know where you are and what you are doing, and obviously with who.

And you're going to have to deal with this until he trusts you again. You did major damage to the trust in your marriage and be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild that trust:

  • Be consistent
  • Always be on time
  • Do what you say will do

Answer all your husband’s questions

Your husband will want a lot of information: who, what, when, where, why, including the gory details. Your natural inclination will be to lessen the blow by withholding information. Unfortunately, the truth always comes out in time. Withholding information will destroy any hope of rebuilding trust.

According to Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, earning back your husband’s trust calls for you to be upfront with him about the extent of the affair. Caroline indicates many spouses who have been cheated on leave the marriage not because of the affair, but because of the drip, drip, drip, of the truth.

Just when the spouse is getting used to the facts that have been revealed and is starting to adjust and trust again, more information surfaces. Be completely honest at the very beginning so that your husband can decide if he can forgive you with his eyes wide open.

Bear in mind that your husband’s life has been turned upside down and he needs all the information in order to make sense of it. It is not up to you but up to your husband to determine what he needs to know.

Why talking about it is important

Equally important in answering your husband’s questions is that you should be willing to keep answering them for as long as they need to ask. It is this willingness that demonstrates your commitment to the marriage.

Research by Dr. Peggy Vaughn revealed that couples are likely to save their marriage after infidelity when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation. Her study showed that:

  • 55% of a couple who discussed the situation very little was still married
  • 78% of couples who addressed the situation a good bit remained married
  • 86% of couples who discussed the unfaithfulness a lot remained married.

Thus, the extent to which a couple discussed the affair was significantly associated with the likelihood of saving the marriage.

In addition, Dr. Vaughn’s research revealed that a couple is more likely to remain married when the cheating spouse answered their partner’s questions.

  • 59% of those who refused to answer questions remained married.
  • 81% of couples whose cheating partner responded to some of their questions remained married
  • 86% of couples whose offending partners answered all their partner’s questions remained married

Thus, the extent to which the cheating spouse responded to questions was significantly associated with the degree of success in saving the marriage.

Patience! Patience! Patience!

Patience will be one of your greatest tools in getting through the process of rebuilding your marriage. Just because you feel that you have done all you could to deal with the situation, or think that you have dealt with it long and deeply enough does not mean your husband feels the same way.

Your husband is the one who was betrayed. It is unrealistic for you to decide when the affair should be a closed chapter. Efforts to move on will be futile until your husband feels that he has healed.

Recommit to your husband

Reiterate to your husband that you are all in and you are willing to do whatever it takes to fight for your relationship. Do not be in a hurry to move on. If you want to truly save your marriage, you and your husband should ask yourselves a few essential questions:

  • How did you get here? In other words, what are the underlying reasons for the affair? Experts encourage that you both spend a lot of time pondering and reflecting on this question.
  • What does your husband need to heal completely? (e.g., he may require that you seek professional counseling)
  • What are you doing to ensure that another affair doesn’t happen? You need to learn how to establish boundaries in your other relationships because affairs are essentially boundary violations.
  • If you move forward in this marriage what are you committing to? This might be the single most important question you can address as a couple as you move forward. An honest discussion of this question will enable you to reboot your relationship.

Experts say that recovery from infidelity is no different than any other serious life challenge. Contained within its experience are both pain and opportunity. Together with your husband, you can leverage this opportunity to rebuild a fantastic marriage.

What Now…?

You can birth a new marriage from the ashes and debris of the impending divorce and create a legacy of renewal.

Think of what an incredible experience to work through what could be defeat and come out on top. You will be stronger. Your marriage will be stronger, and your family would be stronger.

There is nothing like adversity to make a relationship stronger.

So if you have decided you want to keep your marriage together, it's time to get practical about it

Getting practical about saving your marriage

For instance, how will you deal with these situations…?

  • How will you help your husband get over the pain of being cheated on?
  • What will you tell the kids about the change in your relationship they have noticed?
  • What will your daily routine look like if your husband says he wants some space and decides to move to another room or out of the house?

Although these questions are a little uncomfortable, they are something you need to think of

But you aren't the first person in this situation… and there are resources that can help you along the way

For more in-depth information and advice on repairing a marriage, I recommend watching this short video

It explains how you can save your marriage, even if you are the only one trying

If it feels like he wants to throw in the towel, then this video might be the most important video that you ever watch

If you have any questions or comments relating to this topic you can contact me here

Best of luck,

Randy

“My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage… What Do I Do?”

husband is giving up on our marriage - wife tossing up whether to wear wedding ring

My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage - wife tossing up whether to wear wedding ring

IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE to save your marriage when your husband has clearly indicated that he wants out?

Should you give up and accept that your marriage is over?

The answer is that it is never too late to save your marriage.

You might simply be at the turning point in your marriage. You might have hit rock bottom.

Sometimes, it is not until things couldn’t get any worse that they start to get better.

Why do spouses give up on marriage?

Reason #1

After some time in the marriage, a spouse may become disillusioned.

They may feel that many of their expectations have been unmet and they start mourning their pre-marriage life.

If this is the case, then he thinks that leaving the relationship feels like the key to finding happiness once again. As a result, he will be unwilling to engage in any conversation about staying married.

Because he thinks that being married is what is making him unhappy.

Reason #2

Some spouses feel that they have lost the love they once had and the only solution is to bail out.

The truth is…

However, experts indicate that every healthy relationship goes through various stages.

ALL relationships will lose the original passion at some stage.  As life creeps in, responsibilities and the pressures of security get in the way of the both of you. He might feel that the intimacy and sex have suffered as a result.

My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage - wife at counselling trying while husband has given up

Why you shouldn’t give up on your marriage even when your spouse has bailed out

You can go it alone and save your marriage.

Many wives think that they need their husbands to work with them to fix their marriage. The reality is that you can single-handedly change the momentum of your relationship.

Your determination may be just what will motivate your obstinate husband to join in the process of saving your marriage.

1. It is the right thing to do

You owe it to yourself to give saving your marriage your best shot.

You always have the option to call it quits, but once you give up, that’s it. There are no more chances.

If you did ever end your marriage, you don’t want to have the slightest doubt about what might have happened if you had tried harder. If you have to end it, you want to know without any shred of doubt that you did everything you could to save your marriage.

2. You are not alone

Another reason why you should not give up on your marriage is that according to research, more than 32 million individuals are struggling in their marriages this very minute.

Many times, it might feel as if all other marriages are flourishing and only yours is ailing. Many other people are facing extreme challenges in their marriages, and they are working day and night to make it work.

And do you know what, some of these people will find a way out. If you hang in there, you could be among the people who save their marriages from the verge of breakup.

3. It IS NOT wasted effort

Working on your broken marriage is a good investment for the rest of your life, whether your marriage succeeds or not.

It is a fantastic pay off if you turn your marriage around, but even if you don’t, it will not be wasted effort. Indeed it will be the most important thing you will have done for yourself and your next relationship.

If you do not get complete closure in your marriage, relationships are going to be a revolving door for you. Soon, you will find yourself in the same situation you are with your husband with someone else.

Work on your marriage with every intention of restoring it, but, even if you don’t succeed, the effort will not have been in vain.

4 Tips on how to save your marriage when you are the only one trying

1. Agree with your husband

Your husband wants to walk away because this marriage makes him miserable. Do not try to convince him to stay.

Instead,

Agree with him: that you also no longer want the marriage you have had, mainly because he is unhappy and you would never want that for him. Agree that this marriage should be over.

Then,

Let your husband know you want to consider a new relationship with him.

This will allow you to get on the same page with your husband. It will no longer be you vs. him. He will feel like you have listened to him, and you understand how he feels.

This in itself will go some way to rekindling the connection with you. You might even ignite a marriage saving conversation.

The worst mistake you can make right now is to cling and beg your husband to stay

All the emotions you are feeling right now are powerful and authentic. But they serve no purpose in helping you save your marriage.

Pleading, clinging and begging will only drive your husband away faster.

Also, when you fall apart, you will be very unattractive to your husband.

When he sees that the situation he is putting you in is making you upset/angry/unhappy he will want to put an end to it. And the fast way for him to do that is to leave himself.

2. Get to work on yourself

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, work on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.

Whatever your age, make yourself as physically attractive to your husband as you can. He was physically attracted to you once: he can be attracted to you again.

You cannot go back to looking like the age you did when you met your husband, but you can be the best that you can be at your age.

Your husband doesn't want a supermodel. He just wants you to try your best for him. It shows him that you still care.

Also, stimulate your mind by learning new things: join a book club, take a class, read magazines that expand your mind, take a new hobby.

When you get an opportunity to talk with your husband, engage him in something interesting and fun rather than talking about your marital issues.

Talking about the problems in your relationship at this point will only lead to arguments and make things much worse.

3. Be as understanding and accepting of your husband as you can be

You don’t have to accept your husband’s decision, but you can accept his feelings. Do not question or judge his feelings.

When he feels that you understand him, he will be assured that you truly love him. Listen to your husband, show empathy, and you will pique his interest once again.

4. Be willing to forgive

You are frustrated and probably resent your husband. You feel he has rejected you by checking out of your marriage.

However, you cannot hope to rebuild a healthy relationship with him if you hold anger and bitterness towards him. You must accept that he is probably doing the best that he can with the skills that he has. He isn’t out to hurt you.

The process of saving your marriage will only work if you love your husband enough to forgive him. Forgiving your husband will empower you to do whatever it takes to change the course of his intentions.

Where to go from here…?

In the face of a marital crisis, someone has to be the brave one, and that person is you.

Saving your marriage is a noble task. Give it your all and do not lose hope. Your marriage can not only survive this disruption, but you can also use this crisis as a springboard towards real transformation.

Many marriages have risen from the verge of divorce to thrive once again. This can be your testimony if you handle this setback the right way.

 

Thanks for reading this guide on ‘My husband is giving up on our marriage'. I hope it has answered some questions for you. For more information, join the Manage Your Man mailing list.

“Does Marriage Counseling Work For Marriages Like Mine?”

Does Marriage Counseling Work for Marriages Like Mine - Marriage Counselor

Does Marriage Counseling Work for Marriages Like Mine - Marriage Counselor

MARRIAGE COUNSELORS AREN'T SUPERHEROES…

They have a very specific set of talents or specialities, and unlike superheroes, they cannot make anyone do anything

Even if it's good for them

So when you walk into their office in order for them to fix your marriage… they may not be able to help you

When you should see a marriage counselor

Marriage counseling aims to help to identify the problems, resolve the conflicts and heal their partnership

When you participate, the counselor or therapist is doing their best to empower you to make thoughtful decisions about mending and strengthening your relationship

At the same time helping you achieve a deeper understanding of each other and encouraging a more fulfilling marriage

Some of the signs that your marriage needs relationship counseling include:

  • You hardly speak to each other
    • Poor communication is a significant setback in marriage. If you cannot freely share your thoughts, ideas, and experiences with your spouse, this is a prominent sign for the need of couples counseling
  • You feel intimidated by your spouse
    • If you are scared of speaking with your spouse or you are hesitant to bring up some issues, it means that your marriage is troubled. Counseling will help you to develop the confidence to speak freely with your spouse
  • You keep secrets from each other
    • Even though each partner has the right to privacy, there needs to be transparency in your marriage for it to thrive
  • You restrict love and affection to punish each other
    • If one of you gets angry and stops loving, caring and talking to the other partner to punish them, this shows that your relationship is already strained.
  • One or both of you are financially unfaithful
    • If you and your spouse are withholding vital information about your finances: loans, expenses, savings, you will eventually destroy your marriage. Financial dishonesty shows that something is missing in the relationship which counseling can help
  • Your marriage lacks intimacy
    • When you are no longer intimate with your partner, it signals that something is wrong. This may point that you need a qualified person to help sort out what is missing in your relationship.
  • An affair has infiltrated your marriage
    • Recovering from an affair is not impossible, but it calls for a lot of work. With commitment and willingness, a counselor can help you salvage your marriage.
  • When you do not know how to solve your differences
    • If your discussions are always laced with a negative tone, and they always end up in fights, this is the perfect time to get a third party involved.

If you are stuck in marital discord, be honest and acknowledge that you need help.

When seeing a Marriage Counselor may not help

Marriage counseling isn't for everyone or every situation. Here are some reasons to try something else instead

  • When your husband doesn't want to talk about your marriage
  • If money is tight
    • Counseling can be expensive and it can add to the stress in your marriage
  • The counselor doesn't seem to help
    • Not all counselors are equal. Some aren't the right fit for your marriage. The good news here is that there are usually a few around and you can try someone else instead
  • If you don't believe counseling works
    • Counseling does help marriages. But if you don't think it will work from the start, then it will only be something to blame, it could actually make things worse. You will need to deal with this first, or use books instead.

Why you should seek counseling

All couples desire to have a healthy, fulfilling family life, but at times this goal can be challenging to achieve. Once in a while, you and your spouse may need to seek marriage counseling so that you can begin living the life you have always dreamed of.

If you feel that your relationship is not going in the intended direction, it is important that you take a step back and talk to someone that can help you work through the challenges.

Counseling has been proven to have immense benefits:

  • The couple gets impartial advice.
    • Having dealt with a wide range of marital issues, the counselor can offer practical tips on how to work on the various problem areas of a marriage
  • Counseling provides a safe environment for honesty.
    • When there is marital discord, the homes become the battleground for marriage. At that point, honesty can inflict pain and anger if it is not delivered in the appropriate setting. Counseling offers a safe environment free from judgment.
  • Counseling provides an opportunity to unburden resentment and frustration
    • These are some of the toxic emotions that poison every aspect of your relationship. A good therapist helps couples to pour out their anger so that they can solve their issues effectively.
  • Counseling helps couples to explore their problems from a new perspective and learn practical ways to resolve conflicts.
  • Therapy assists couples with the tools to build trust and improve communication in their relationship.

Seeking professional intervention for your marriage is prudent. Confronting the issues in your marriage now will save it from destruction in the future.

Research indicates that a couple who splits up will be financially worse off, and their children are more likely to have academic and behavioral problems in the future.

When to go for therapy  

When it comes to seeking marriage therapy, timing is everything. Many couples wait until the problems in the marriages have become too severe before they can seek for help.

Consider this:

Your precious vase can quickly be fixed with a little bonding material when the crack is two inches. The bonding material can be discretely applied on the inside, and it may not even be visible from the outside. But, what happens when you wait until your vase has 12 cracks running in all directions?

Many times, therapy fails because couples go to therapy when things are so bad; they have one foot and several toes out of the door. Indeed, some couples only go to therapy to confirm that they have done all they can to fix their marriage. They only want to justify the decision to leave their marriage.

According to Dr. John Gottman, couples wait for an average of six years of being miserable in their marriage before they seek help. He concludes that therapy could help to save more marriages if couples sought therapy before their relationships were in critical condition.

Sometimes the issues in a marriage could be too ingrained for the therapy to be effective. Timing is an essential element that will determine whether counseling will work or not.

To optimize the outcome of therapy

To get the most out of marriage counseling you and your spouse need to have the right attitude and goals. You should set specific goals to help you individually contribute to the success of the therapy.

Also:

Be open about your emotions

The most common source of marital discord is when spouses do not disclose how their partner’s actions make them feel. Couples need to understand that a huge part of the process is to talk openly about their emotions, which will be both difficult and uncomfortable

Find the right counselor

Research shows that in the hands of a good counselor, marriage therapy is effective 70 – 80% of the time. Ensure your counselor has the right credentials. All therapists must be licensed to practice therapy. This will vary from country to country.

However, experts recommend working with someone who specializes in marriage counseling- at least 30% of their practice should be on marriage therapy. They have seen and heard it all, and they will roll up their sleeves and help you.

The cost of marriage counseling

The cost of marital counseling will depend on the professional you decide to work with. Refer to the table below to find out how much your preferred professional is likely to cost you:

Mental Health Professional Background Cost Per Session
Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) Holds at least a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy $65 – $250
Licensed professional counselor / nationally certified counselor (LPC / NIC) Holds at least a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology or Social Work $5 – $300
Psychologist (PsyP) Holds a doctorate degree in psychology $75 – $156 per session, sometimes $200

In Summary…

It seems as if people are generally living in unsatisfying marriages. This doesn’t have to happen to yours.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be unfulfilling, mediocre or common. However, it takes a great deal of commitment and determination from both you and your spouse to maintain a rewarding relationship.

If you feel that you are struggling to maintain the connection you once had with your spouse, do not hesitate to seek marriage therapy.

A good therapist will assist you to compromise, appreciate one another and rediscover the compassion and empathy that the two of you share.  

And if you don't think marriage therapy is a good fit, then try reading what experts have to say, so you can apply that to your marriage