“My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage… What Do I Do?”

husband is giving up on our marriage - wife tossing up whether to wear wedding ring

My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage - wife tossing up whether to wear wedding ring

IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE to save your marriage when your husband has clearly indicated that he wants out?

Should you give up and accept that your marriage is over?

The answer is that it is never too late to save your marriage.

You might simply be at the turning point in your marriage. You might have hit rock bottom.

Sometimes, it is not until things couldn’t get any worse that they start to get better.

Why do spouses give up on marriage?

Reason #1

After some time in the marriage, a spouse may become disillusioned.

They may feel that many of their expectations have been unmet and they start mourning their pre-marriage life.

If this is the case, then he thinks that leaving the relationship feels like the key to finding happiness once again. As a result, he will be unwilling to engage in any conversation about staying married.

Because he thinks that being married is what is making him unhappy.

Reason #2

Some spouses feel that they have lost the love they once had and the only solution is to bail out.

The truth is…

However, experts indicate that every healthy relationship goes through various stages.

ALL relationships will lose the original passion at some stage.  As life creeps in, responsibilities and the pressures of security get in the way of the both of you. He might feel that the intimacy and sex have suffered as a result.

My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage - wife at counselling trying while husband has given up

Why you shouldn’t give up on your marriage even when your spouse has bailed out

You can go it alone and save your marriage.

Many wives think that they need their husbands to work with them to fix their marriage. The reality is that you can single-handedly change the momentum of your relationship.

Your determination may be just what will motivate your obstinate husband to join in the process of saving your marriage.

1. It is the right thing to do

You owe it to yourself to give saving your marriage your best shot.

You always have the option to call it quits, but once you give up, that’s it. There are no more chances.

If you did ever end your marriage, you don’t want to have the slightest doubt about what might have happened if you had tried harder. If you have to end it, you want to know without any shred of doubt that you did everything you could to save your marriage.

2. You are not alone

Another reason why you should not give up on your marriage is that according to research, more than 32 million individuals are struggling in their marriages this very minute.

Many times, it might feel as if all other marriages are flourishing and only yours is ailing. Many other people are facing extreme challenges in their marriages, and they are working day and night to make it work.

And do you know what, some of these people will find a way out. If you hang in there, you could be among the people who save their marriages from the verge of breakup.

3. It IS NOT wasted effort

Working on your broken marriage is a good investment for the rest of your life, whether your marriage succeeds or not.

It is a fantastic pay off if you turn your marriage around, but even if you don’t, it will not be wasted effort. Indeed it will be the most important thing you will have done for yourself and your next relationship.

If you do not get complete closure in your marriage, relationships are going to be a revolving door for you. Soon, you will find yourself in the same situation you are with your husband with someone else.

Work on your marriage with every intention of restoring it, but, even if you don’t succeed, the effort will not have been in vain.

4 Tips on how to save your marriage when you are the only one trying

1. Agree with your husband

Your husband wants to walk away because this marriage makes him miserable. Do not try to convince him to stay.

Instead,

Agree with him: that you also no longer want the marriage you have had, mainly because he is unhappy and you would never want that for him. Agree that this marriage should be over.

Then,

Let your husband know you want to consider a new relationship with him.

This will allow you to get on the same page with your husband. It will no longer be you vs. him. He will feel like you have listened to him, and you understand how he feels.

This in itself will go some way to rekindling the connection with you. You might even ignite a marriage saving conversation.

The worst mistake you can make right now is to cling and beg your husband to stay

All the emotions you are feeling right now are powerful and authentic. But they serve no purpose in helping you save your marriage.

Pleading, clinging and begging will only drive your husband away faster.

Also, when you fall apart, you will be very unattractive to your husband.

When he sees that the situation he is putting you in is making you upset/angry/unhappy he will want to put an end to it. And the fast way for him to do that is to leave himself.

2. Get to work on yourself

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, work on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.

Whatever your age, make yourself as physically attractive to your husband as you can. He was physically attracted to you once: he can be attracted to you again.

You cannot go back to looking like the age you did when you met your husband, but you can be the best that you can be at your age.

Your husband doesn't want a supermodel. He just wants you to try your best for him. It shows him that you still care.

Also, stimulate your mind by learning new things: join a book club, take a class, read magazines that expand your mind, take a new hobby.

When you get an opportunity to talk with your husband, engage him in something interesting and fun rather than talking about your marital issues.

Talking about the problems in your relationship at this point will only lead to arguments and make things much worse.

3. Be as understanding and accepting of your husband as you can be

You don’t have to accept your husband’s decision, but you can accept his feelings. Do not question or judge his feelings.

When he feels that you understand him, he will be assured that you truly love him. Listen to your husband, show empathy, and you will pique his interest once again.

4. Be willing to forgive

You are frustrated and probably resent your husband. You feel he has rejected you by checking out of your marriage.

However, you cannot hope to rebuild a healthy relationship with him if you hold anger and bitterness towards him. You must accept that he is probably doing the best that he can with the skills that he has. He isn’t out to hurt you.

The process of saving your marriage will only work if you love your husband enough to forgive him. Forgiving your husband will empower you to do whatever it takes to change the course of his intentions.

Where to go from here…?

In the face of a marital crisis, someone has to be the brave one, and that person is you.

Saving your marriage is a noble task. Give it your all and do not lose hope. Your marriage can not only survive this disruption, but you can also use this crisis as a springboard towards real transformation.

Many marriages have risen from the verge of divorce to thrive once again. This can be your testimony if you handle this setback the right way.

 

Thanks for reading this guide on ‘My husband is giving up on our marriage'. I hope it has answered some questions for you. For more information, join the Manage Your Man mailing list.

“Does Marriage Counseling Work For Marriages Like Mine?”

Does Marriage Counseling Work for Marriages Like Mine - Marriage Counselor

Does Marriage Counseling Work for Marriages Like Mine - Marriage Counselor

MARRIAGE COUNSELORS AREN'T SUPERHEROES…

They have a very specific set of talents or specialities, and unlike superheroes, they cannot make anyone do anything

Even if it's good for them

So when you walk into their office in order for them to fix your marriage… they may not be able to help you

When you should see a marriage counselor

Marriage counseling aims to help to identify the problems, resolve the conflicts and heal their partnership

When you participate, the counselor or therapist is doing their best to empower you to make thoughtful decisions about mending and strengthening your relationship

At the same time helping you achieve a deeper understanding of each other and encouraging a more fulfilling marriage

Some of the signs that your marriage needs relationship counseling include:

  • You hardly speak to each other
    • Poor communication is a significant setback in marriage. If you cannot freely share your thoughts, ideas, and experiences with your spouse, this is a prominent sign for the need of couples counseling
  • You feel intimidated by your spouse
    • If you are scared of speaking with your spouse or you are hesitant to bring up some issues, it means that your marriage is troubled. Counseling will help you to develop the confidence to speak freely with your spouse
  • You keep secrets from each other
    • Even though each partner has the right to privacy, there needs to be transparency in your marriage for it to thrive
  • You restrict love and affection to punish each other
    • If one of you gets angry and stops loving, caring and talking to the other partner to punish them, this shows that your relationship is already strained.
  • One or both of you are financially unfaithful
    • If you and your spouse are withholding vital information about your finances: loans, expenses, savings, you will eventually destroy your marriage. Financial dishonesty shows that something is missing in the relationship which counseling can help
  • Your marriage lacks intimacy
    • When you are no longer intimate with your partner, it signals that something is wrong. This may point that you need a qualified person to help sort out what is missing in your relationship.
  • An affair has infiltrated your marriage
    • Recovering from an affair is not impossible, but it calls for a lot of work. With commitment and willingness, a counselor can help you salvage your marriage.
  • When you do not know how to solve your differences
    • If your discussions are always laced with a negative tone, and they always end up in fights, this is the perfect time to get a third party involved.

If you are stuck in marital discord, be honest and acknowledge that you need help.

When seeing a Marriage Counselor may not help

Marriage counseling isn't for everyone or every situation. Here are some reasons to try something else instead

  • When your husband doesn't want to talk about your marriage
  • If money is tight
    • Counseling can be expensive and it can add to the stress in your marriage
  • The counselor doesn't seem to help
    • Not all counselors are equal. Some aren't the right fit for your marriage. The good news here is that there are usually a few around and you can try someone else instead
  • If you don't believe counseling works
    • Counseling does help marriages. But if you don't think it will work from the start, then it will only be something to blame, it could actually make things worse. You will need to deal with this first, or use books instead.

Why you should seek counseling

All couples desire to have a healthy, fulfilling family life, but at times this goal can be challenging to achieve. Once in a while, you and your spouse may need to seek marriage counseling so that you can begin living the life you have always dreamed of.

If you feel that your relationship is not going in the intended direction, it is important that you take a step back and talk to someone that can help you work through the challenges.

Counseling has been proven to have immense benefits:

  • The couple gets impartial advice.
    • Having dealt with a wide range of marital issues, the counselor can offer practical tips on how to work on the various problem areas of a marriage
  • Counseling provides a safe environment for honesty.
    • When there is marital discord, the homes become the battleground for marriage. At that point, honesty can inflict pain and anger if it is not delivered in the appropriate setting. Counseling offers a safe environment free from judgment.
  • Counseling provides an opportunity to unburden resentment and frustration
    • These are some of the toxic emotions that poison every aspect of your relationship. A good therapist helps couples to pour out their anger so that they can solve their issues effectively.
  • Counseling helps couples to explore their problems from a new perspective and learn practical ways to resolve conflicts.
  • Therapy assists couples with the tools to build trust and improve communication in their relationship.

Seeking professional intervention for your marriage is prudent. Confronting the issues in your marriage now will save it from destruction in the future.

Research indicates that a couple who splits up will be financially worse off, and their children are more likely to have academic and behavioral problems in the future.

When to go for therapy  

When it comes to seeking marriage therapy, timing is everything. Many couples wait until the problems in the marriages have become too severe before they can seek for help.

Consider this:

Your precious vase can quickly be fixed with a little bonding material when the crack is two inches. The bonding material can be discretely applied on the inside, and it may not even be visible from the outside. But, what happens when you wait until your vase has 12 cracks running in all directions?

Many times, therapy fails because couples go to therapy when things are so bad; they have one foot and several toes out of the door. Indeed, some couples only go to therapy to confirm that they have done all they can to fix their marriage. They only want to justify the decision to leave their marriage.

According to Dr. John Gottman, couples wait for an average of six years of being miserable in their marriage before they seek help. He concludes that therapy could help to save more marriages if couples sought therapy before their relationships were in critical condition.

Sometimes the issues in a marriage could be too ingrained for the therapy to be effective. Timing is an essential element that will determine whether counseling will work or not.

To optimize the outcome of therapy

To get the most out of marriage counseling you and your spouse need to have the right attitude and goals. You should set specific goals to help you individually contribute to the success of the therapy.

Also:

Be open about your emotions

The most common source of marital discord is when spouses do not disclose how their partner’s actions make them feel. Couples need to understand that a huge part of the process is to talk openly about their emotions, which will be both difficult and uncomfortable

Find the right counselor

Research shows that in the hands of a good counselor, marriage therapy is effective 70 – 80% of the time. Ensure your counselor has the right credentials. All therapists must be licensed to practice therapy. This will vary from country to country.

However, experts recommend working with someone who specializes in marriage counseling- at least 30% of their practice should be on marriage therapy. They have seen and heard it all, and they will roll up their sleeves and help you.

The cost of marriage counseling

The cost of marital counseling will depend on the professional you decide to work with. Refer to the table below to find out how much your preferred professional is likely to cost you:

Mental Health Professional Background Cost Per Session
Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) Holds at least a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy $65 – $250
Licensed professional counselor / nationally certified counselor (LPC / NIC) Holds at least a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology or Social Work $5 – $300
Psychologist (PsyP) Holds a doctorate degree in psychology $75 – $156 per session, sometimes $200

In Summary…

It seems as if people are generally living in unsatisfying marriages. This doesn’t have to happen to yours.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be unfulfilling, mediocre or common. However, it takes a great deal of commitment and determination from both you and your spouse to maintain a rewarding relationship.

If you feel that you are struggling to maintain the connection you once had with your spouse, do not hesitate to seek marriage therapy.

A good therapist will assist you to compromise, appreciate one another and rediscover the compassion and empathy that the two of you share.  

And if you don't think marriage therapy is a good fit, then try reading what experts have to say, so you can apply that to your marriage

How To Save A Marriage When Only One is Trying – Quiz & 7 Expert Recommendations

How to Save a Marriage When Only One is Trying - Woman Looking Sad With Husband

How to Save a Marriage When Only One is Trying - Woman Looking Sad With Husband

TO PREPARE US FOR the workforce we have school, tertiary education, training, professional on-going development, and even mentorships

But when it comes to marriage, there isn't really any formal preparation… apart from some trial and error, and advice from our peers

So when things go bad or even just change, we often don't know what to do

And find ourselves in these loops that just go around and around and get nowhere

Expert advice can help break the loop and change your marriage for the better

But what do you do when you can't get your partner to agree to see a marriage counselor?

The good news is that you can take the fate of your marriage into your own hands…

Books and programs from experts:

Many counselors, psychologists, therapists, and other relationship experts write books about saving and fixing marriages. Are they right for you?

Pros and cons of using books and DIY programs

  1. You can use them when your partner doesn’t want to try to save the marriage
  2. They are less expensive than seeing a professional in person (quite a bit so)
  3. You get the best expert information (doesn’t matter if they don’t live near you)
  4. It's an easier and more casual way to start working on your marriage. Without the stress of confrontation, and ‘starting formal counselling'.
  5. No one needs to know that you're marriage is in trouble (not even your husband)

Short Quiz – Should you use a book or program?

  1. Is your husband happy to talk about your marriage situation?
  2. In your opinion, does your husband verbalize his feelings, emotions, and point of view clearly?
  3. Do you know exactly why your marriage is in trouble?

If you answered No to any of these questions, then a book or program is the best place to start.

Books can help provide answers to questions and any loops that you find yourself stuck in. All from the privacy and comfort of your own home, car or favorite coffee shop.

7 Popular Books and Programs

Save the Marriage – Dr. Lee Baucom

22+ years of experience in a book

Save the Marriage Book

Dr. Lee Baucom believes that simply having better communication skills is not going to fix your marriage.

In fact, he says that having better communication skills will only make you better at fighting. And that is one of the big issues with traditional marriage counseling, and why the success rates are so low…

His book will show you exactly what you need to do to become a ‘we’ again. And how to change your husband's current perception of you

how to save a marriage when only one is trying - Lee Baucom
Dr. Lee Baucom

He addresses marriages all the way from ‘I see problems down the road’ to ‘your husband has left and initiated legal proceedings – no communication’. Well worth the read, even if you are the only one trying to save your marriage.

Get your copy here or read a more detailed review here

MY OPINION: A great choice from a trusted source for when only one person is trying to save the marriage. Dr. Baucom also has an optional support group he only offers to people who have read his book (and understand his techniques).

Mend the Marriage – Brad Browning

Simple and easy to follow

Mend the Marriage Cover

Looking for a simple to follow guide for the best chance of saving your marriage?

Brad believes that by changing the way you think about marriage, you can change your marriage. And he has the testimonials to prove it!

Brad Browning
Brad Browning

Brad’s advice is simple to follow, in fact, he uses his own ABCD system. His book includes a few worksheets that you can work through to help prioritize and understand what’s happening in your relationship.

Included are some special guides on surviving infidelity, managing money and caring for your kids in the midst of a divorce or separation.

MY OPINION: This book contains plenty of good information but is a little light on in the practical side. A good option for the thinkers out there…

You can read a detailed review here, and get a copy for yourself here

The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work – Dr. John Gottman & Nan Silver

Data and science-based advice

Want to know what the data and scientific research says behind marriage breakdown?

Dr John Gottman (from the Gottman Institute) analyzed the difference between successful and non-successful marriages over a period of years from which the seven principles originate from.

Dr John Gottman
Dr John Gottman

This book investigates the issues of marriage in a detailed manner and offers plenty of tips, advice, and exercises to help you and your partner see eye to eye again.

After reading this book, you can expect to feel better and more positive about your husband and your marriage.

The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work is Available here

Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work – Matthew McKay Ph.D, Patrick Fanning, Kim Paleg Ph.D

A step-by-step guide to the relationship you've always wanted

No one ever said being in a relationship was easy. But if you are prepared to put in the work, this step by step guide teaches you how to work smarter not harder.

Each chapter covers a different vital skill such as communication, better problem coping skills, and healthy ways to resolve conflicts. Most of us have at least the basic skills, or we wouldn't be in a relationship at all. But few go beyond this, which is why so many relationships fail.

Matthew McKay
Matthew McKay

In this updated edition is a chapter covering a revolutionary new technique called ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Designed to help build deeper trust and intimacy, you learn how to own your emotions while at the same time accept your partner's feelings for what they are, no judgment.

By following the steps, you will see the real value in your relationship and how to commit to making it better. Get your copy here

MY OPINION: It's good that each chapter stands alone and works on one issue, but some of the language used is overly technical.

Hope for Your Marriage: Experience God’s Greatest Desires for You and Your Spouse – Clayton & Ashlee Hurst

Stories of wisdom over the ‘instruction manual' approach

Marriage counselors Clayton and Ashlee Hurst share their own struggles in 20 years of marriage. During this time, they have raised three children and have learned that God didn't create marriage as a way to make us all happy, what he created was love.

This faith-based approach to relationships is easy to read and offers a wealth of information. Including how to make the transition from the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship to the “everyday” phase successfully.

Clayton and Ashlee Hurst
Clayton and Ashlee Hurst

Rather than just another book with a list of step by step instructions, Clayton and Ashlee share what they have learned over the years.

The book also contains a foreword by Joel Osteen and highly recommended by many top religious figures. Get your copy here

MY OPINION: This book is easy to read and relate to, but there isn't much in the way of new information.

Marriage: From Surviving to Thriving: Practical Advice on Making Your Marriage Strong – Charles R. Swindoll

A fresh new look at making Christian relationships work today

In an era of change where gender roles are changing,  author Chuck Swindoll, pastor, and Bible teacher offers a healthy blend of hope and practical advice aimed at helping your marriage work better

charles-chuck-swindoll
Charles ‘Chuck' Swindoll

With so much change in the world and roles within the family in a constant state of flux, Chuck offers faith-based tips and advice placing God in charge and using His word as the guide to a better more fulfilling marriage

Get your copy here

MY OPINION:  Christians looking for practical, faith-based advice will enjoy this book. It is heavily Christian and may not be for everyone

How to Save your Christian Marriage – Dr. Lee Baucom

A comprehensive program to follow for Christian marriages

Save Your Christian Marriage

Has your husband decided to throw in the towel?

If this sounds like you then this is the book you are after. Written by a 20+ year qualified marriage counselor, it is specifically for Christians who want to use their faith to help them save their marriage… Even if only you are trying

Get your copy here

MY OPINION: A comprehensive choice for Christians looking to rekindle and reconnect with their partner. Specially written for marriages where only one is trying

You Can Do It

It's not going to be easy but yes, you can do it. Any of these books is a great start to helping you:

  • Understand your husband better & how he sees your relationship
  • Discover what is working and what isn't
  • How to get your needs met in your marriage

Men (and women) can get disillusioned in marriage. Using these books you can help remind him of why you got married in the first place

Thanks for reading, if you have a question or query you can contact me here

 

Images courtesy of:

 

How to Get Passion Back in Your Marriage & Reignite the Fire

how to fix a broken marriage - man and woman going out again getting ready for a date

how to get the passion back in a relationship - man and woman going out again getting ready for a date

MORE MARRIAGES DIE FROM neglect than anything else.

It is simply a matter of life getting in the way. The neglect soon grows into antipathy and animosity. Soon, the relationship opens up the potential for affairs and other marriage crises.

When people rate their life priorities, many people rank their marital relationship in the top three. Yet, couples spend only a few minutes every day discussing issues that do not concern schedules and children.

Do you see the irony here?

The marriage slowly starves to death

Through the course of the marriage, a lot happens. You get busy with the details of your lives that you forget why you got together in the first place.

Things that did not exist when you first got together become priorities: children, careers, hobbies, building empires. The ‘we’ gets lost. There is so much to do that it becomes challenging to pay attention to your spouse.

Then before long, you catch yourself saying things like:

  • You never compliment me on what I am wearing”
  • “When was the last time you paid attention to me? You always focus all your attention on your work/the kids/something else”
  • “You never make love to me anymore”
  • “How can we have sex when you are always tired?”

Marriages die slowly under the rising wave of indifference. Eventually, partners fall out of love with each other, and the marriage is broken.

Marriages do not die with a bang. They quietly tiptoe away and are gone before you know they have left. – Psychology Today

When the passion is gone

Ask yourself what feels broken about your marriage. Admitting that your marriage is in trouble is the first step towards healing your marriage. Some of the telltale signs of a struggling marriage include:

  • You are constantly criticizing each other
  • There is a lack of affection in the relationship
  • The two of you are arguing all the time
  • The two of you have withdrawn and built impenetrable walls between you
  • Mutual respect between and your spouse is waning
  • You no longer do things together
  • There is a reduced comfort zone: You can no longer open up to each other or be yourselves for fear of being hurt
  • You do not feel as close as you used to be
  • You feel frustrated with each other

Answered yes to many of the above points? Read on…

What next?

When a marriage is in trouble, there are only two choices: You can either commit to save the marriage or call it quits.

Deciding not to do anything is the same as calling it quits. It will only be a matter of time before your marriage erodes when not given the time and effort it requires.

While there are definitely times when separation and divorce are okay, they are no picnic and are definitely not ‘the easy way out’.

For starters, you will never escape the knowledge that you failed in your marriage. Think of all the disrupted lives and the expenses. What about the children if you have them? Many couples will say it is better for the children not to witness all the fighting. But do you know what is even better? Not fighting anymore.

How to get the passion back in your marriage

Fixing your broken marriage is not easy, but it is worth every try. And yes it is possible.

If you focus on restoring the connection and putting the past in the past, your marriage can be healthy again. The key here is not trying to fix every little thing that you think is wrong with the marriage, but committing on building a new relationship.

how to get the passion back in your marriage - man and woman having a serious conversation

Reflect on what has damaged your marriage.

This may seem like an obvious step, but it is crucial to mending your relationship. It is going to be painful but this time for honesty is a must if the marriage is to heal.

Here are some questions to help initiate thought or conversation around the potential issues in your marriage:

  • Has there been an absence of affection and passion in your marriage?
  • Have you been having constant arguments because of money?
  • Does either party feel that they are not getting due respect in the relationship?
  • Do either of you feel that your individual needs are not being taken care of?
  • Has either of you developed habits which have become destructive to your marriage?

Make a list of all the issues that are problematic in your relationship. Include those that you do not talk about for fear that they might lead to further conflict.

Being honest about the problems in your marriage goes a long way towards fixing it.

Acknowledge your part in the problem

Having identified the problem areas, you now have the opportunity to identify the things you are doing that have contributed to the situation.

Many times, one partner may look at the problem as the other partner’s to fix. After all, everyone wants to believe that they are the model spouse.

You say:

I clean up after him, and he is never grateful. It is his fault your marriage is falling apart.

He says:

I work hard and provide all the finances, and she is never grateful. It is her fault the marriage is coming undone.

The truth of the matter is that all of your motives are not always as pure as you would want your spouse to think. Also, it doesn't really matter who is right and wrong.

You can either be right or you can be happily married. Not both. – Anonymous

Each partner has plenty of room for improvement. Ask yourself:

  • Are my expectations always realistic?
  • Are there things I am doing or failing to do that are hurting my marriage?
  • Do I give my husband the benefit of the doubt?
  • Do I always respond to my wife with love and grace?
  • Am I truly on my husband's side?

You cannot fix a broken marriage unless you are willing to take responsibility for ALL OF IT. No matter what kind of a spouse you have, you are always responsible for your responses.

Quit the blame game. At this point, it does not matter who was right or wrong. And no single person wins. You all win or lose. – Jane Kamiri

Improve your communication

An essential component of fixing your marriage is communication. Your spouse could never read your mind. You, therefore, have to articulate your needs clearly.

At the same time, ensure your communication is honest and respectful. Do not speak in anger and do not be sarcastic. This will only invoke an angry reaction from your spouse, and you will soon be arguing.

  • Be patient with each other and talk to each other, not at each other.
  • Express your concerns constructively.
  • Keep the tone friendly and omit any judgment, criticism, and irritation.
  • Focus on solutions rather than dwelling on what went wrong.
  • Improve your listening skills.

You might find it easier to start writing a letter or a text message to help take some of the emotion out initially.

Find forgiveness

When the problems have been clearly articulated, it is time to apologize, forgive and move on. Look for ways to find forgiveness both for yourself and your partner so that you can move forward.

Commit to connecting again

Make rebuilding your marriage a priority: value your time together. No matter how busy your schedules are, always find time to spend together.

  • You can spend a few minutes every night chatting
  • Go out on dates if you can
  • Always find ways of aligning together through the good and bad times
  • Restore your intimacy
    • Sexual intimacy is crucial for the growth of your marriage. Even when you are not up to it, make an effort to be open to intimate moments as often as possible.

Also,

  • Stop asking yourself the wrong questions. Asking yourself ‘Did I marry the wrong person?’ is the wrong question. Instead, ask yourself, ‘How can I love correctly the person I married?’
  • Don’t talk to friends and family about your situation. Exposing your marriage makes it more vulnerable.
  • Even if your spouse is not on board, commit to doing it alone. Your effort can change the momentum of your marriage. Your effort will also motivate the obstinate spouse to make efforts to save the marriage.

Finally,

Be the change you want to see. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. Your problems will be resolved more by new choices than many discussions.

If your concerned about your marriage and want more help I encourage you to watch this short video. It is put together by a marriage expert that has many years of experience helping couples reunite.

If you want help to work together for your marriage, then I recommend that you put everything aside for the next few minutes and watch the video.

Best of luck in your situation.

“Husband Angry All The Time?” How His Pent-up Anger Effects Your Marriage

Angry husband with wife

Husband angry all the time and sitting with wife

LIVING WITH AN ANGRY HUSBAND IS LIKE living at the base of an active volcano.

You are always alert, anticipating the next eruption. You stay in a constant state of hyper-vigilance; always looking for ways to cover for him.

And you spend all your energy keeping his anger from swamping the entire family.

Understanding Anger

Anger is just a form of emotional energy. It is not yelling and screaming. And it is not violence. Anger can be both constructive and destructive.

However, since many people have seen more of unhealthy expressions of anger, they only associate anger with negative things.

Anybody can become angry; that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way: that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy. – Aristotle

Healthy versus unhealthy anger in the marriage

Anger the emotion is not bad by itself. It is the choices that one makes in expressing the anger that makes the difference in the health of a marriage.

A spouse who expresses his anger healthily is able to talk about his feelings in a calm manner. Also, he does not try to manipulate the partner’s behavior.

Instead, he expresses himself, makes a request and is willing to accept the answer. When he realizes that his anger is escalating, he takes time out since he recognizes that he will not be logical and rational anymore. He can then revisit the topic at a later time once he has calmed down.

Unhealthy anger, on the other hand, is constant. The person seems ready to snap over little things, is always irritated by the spouse and those around him and he argues for the sake of arguing.

This anger also seeks to control the spouse and is often used as a weapon. It can also be used to punish the partner through things like silent treatment, withholding sex and sabotaging the partner’s efforts.

At the extreme, unhealthy anger is abusive. The abuse can either be verbal: calling names, intimidation, and threats; restricting the partner’s interactions; financial or even physical abuse.

Fact: While other emotions are healed in the presence of love, anger is blind and usually cannot see or receive the care that is being offered.

Anger and the sexless marriage

One cause for lack of intimacy in marriage is anger. If your husband expresses his anger disrespectfully, this will build resentment in you.

Over time, this resentment may evolve to dislike and even hatred for him. And how can you possibly be intimate with someone whom you do not like?

Another way an angry husband expresses himself is through constant criticism of his wife.

Criticism in a marriage is like water dripping on a rock. Slowly, the rock will be eroded. If you are regularly made to feel like you cannot do anything right, that you do not measure up to certain expectations, this will affect the quality of your intimacy.

At some point, you will become resentful and even angry even if you may not admit it. With time, you will find it completely difficult to be intimate with your husband. Sex will either be a chore or the most unpleasant thing that you have to endure in the relationship.

Your husband’s anger will drive you to depression.

A study by the University of Missouri has revealed that angry husbands can cause depression in their wives. In the study, researchers observed video clips of 416 married couples interacting at home.

The study found that husbands’ treatment of their wives dramatically influences their psychological wellness. Criticism and hostility have a lasting effect on the wives' wellbeing. It was further found that the effects of husbands’ anger on the wives continue throughout the marriages.

Anger begets anger: your marriage will produce angry children

Experts say that children learn how to form relationships from their parents through observation and social learning.

Your children will watch you and either learn the skills of problem-solving and conflict resolution; which lead to healthy relationships or distress, anxiety, and aggression; which lead to unhealthy relationships.

Experts indicate that anger is contagious. Unhealthy anger in all forms of its expression: violence and aggression is a learned behavior. This is the reason why children who are brought up in families with violence are more likely to be more aggressive to their own romantic partners.

Children learn to identify with the aggressor since they discover that the parent (in this case the dad) who yells the loudest gets his way. Anger, aggression, and hostility become a way of life.

Evidence also indicates that if children are exposed to prolonged anger and aggression, they may experience brain and hormonal changes due to fear.

They freeze in response to loud voices and anger. Later in life, the effects show up in the form of promiscuity, alcohol and drug abuse, codependency and eating disorders.

Don’t worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you. – Robert Fulghum

You will have an unhappy marriage

You were probably bewildered the first time you witnessed your husband’s angry outburst. But with subsequent eruptions, you have realized that your husband does not respect you.

Eventually, you will be put off by his immature and unreasonable behavior, and you will not have the patience to give him any attention. Your relationship will deteriorate.

Also, how can you be happy with someone you are scared of?

How can you:

  • Love him when you resent the way he treats you?
  • Laugh with yelling and angry shouting going on?
  • Want to spend any time that you do not have to spend with someone you resent?

Your marriage will not survive on the thin ice of lost love forever. It will eventually crumble under the pressure of anger.

Final thoughts

Anger coping mechanisms are entrenched in an individual, and they cannot change unless your husband makes a strong commitment to handle his anger more healthily. Your husband needs a structured program of anger management to learn how to break this destructive behavior.

Do not even for a minute think that you can change your husband’s anger patterns overnight. After all, he has had many years to practice before meeting you.

Ultimately, remember that you get what you put up with, not what you deserve. If you excuse, forgive and allow your husband’s repeated outbursts, why on earth should you expect him to change?

What you can  do

Make your husband ineffective in getting what he wants through anger. He has to learn that shouting, threatening and withdrawing will not get him what he wants.

If you give in to his anger, you will never get him to give up using anger as a manipulating tool. Be firm in your refusal; do not have any discussion about it.

Refusing to argue helps to put the issue to rest quickly so that you can both move on to other things. The next time you see him, be friendly and pretend like nothing ever happened. He will know how to treat you better, anger issues or not.

Thanks for reading this article on the effects on your marriage of when your husband angry all the time. You can contact me here if you have a question or query.

EXPERT ADVICE – “I Cheated On My Husband and I Want Him Back”

I cheated on my husband and now i want him back - woman pleading with husband

I cheated on My Husband and I Want Him Back - woman pleading with husband

IS IT AFFAIRS THAT BREAK UP MARRIAGES?

The question sounds ludicrous but it isn’t as straightforward as it seems.

And the answer is somewhat good news for those in relationships which have experienced infidelity.

Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, says that it is not affairs that break marriages up: it is the unfaithful spouse’s inability, to be honest about what happened and leave the affair behind them.

According to Madden, couples divorce after affairs, not because of the infidelity itself, but because the betrayed spouse simply gives up trying when the cheating spouse continues to be shady, selfish and untrustworthy.

Another encouraging fact is that the majority of couples stay together after infidelity. Psychology Today

Your marriage does not have to end because you had an affair. Even though the affair will cause your husband much heartache and anger, your marriage can survive. However, it is not going to be a walk in the park. Brace yourself for difficult work ahead of you to reclaim your husband and your marriage.

Healing your marriage will take dedication and perseverance, but the good news is that it can be done.

Take full responsibility for the affair

When you have betrayed your husband, you must acknowledge that you have inflicted anxiety, pain, and insecurity in him. You cannot expect your marriage to move forward if you do not take responsibility for your actions.

  • Your husband may have contributed to the breakdown of your relationship, but he did not force you to have the affair.
  • You may have felt lonely, rejected or neglected in the relationship, but you are the one who had an affair.
  • You may not have meant to hurt your husband, but you did it- deeply. And now his world is turned his world upside down.
  • You are the one who has caused him more pain than he could ever have imagined!

The earlier you can take responsibility, the sooner your marriage can start to heal.

A quick note why it hurts him so much

When you went outside the marriage, he no longer felt needed. All of a sudden, someone else could please you the way only he thought he could. In that way, he thought he was your hero. But now he will feel like a regular guy who doesn’t mean anything special to anyone.

There will also be pride issues, inparticular if the affair is public in some way. He may not be able to come to terms with his identity, (as someone whose wife had an affair) without breaking up the marriage.

There may be specific reasons as to why you cheated in the first place, but remember that infidelity is a choice. There are many other ways you would have approached the issues in your relationship, but you chose to have an affair. Forget about all the excuses; it was no accident.

The famous TV Doctor Dr. Phil thinks along these lines…

The one who cheats is solely responsible for his or her affair. No matter what problems exist in the relationship, and no matter how the betrayed spouse behaves him/she did not make you cheat, you chose that.

There are ways to deal with unhappiness in a marriage, but I assure you, cheating is absolutely not one of them. Cheating is merely a way to avoid dealing with either your personal shortcoming or the marital issues.

Cheating is about ego. It is selfish. Short of holding a gun to your head and forcing you to go outside the marriage, your spouse is not to blame for your affair. Own your stuff fully. – Relationship Rescue Written By Dr. Phil

I cheated on My Husband and I Want Him Back- woman ending affair

Immediately cut all contact with the other guy

This rule is of paramount importance for a reason: you cannot be fully emotionally available to your husband when you are still emotionally attached to the other guy. It will not be easy if you had an established friendship with the other guy, but it is best if you completely stop seeing him. This will help you to resist the temptation to cheat again.

Severing all ties with the other guy will help you emotionally reattach to your husband.

Be completely honest with your husband

After you have cheated, one of the ways to earn your husband’s trust is by being completely honest. Madden indicates that withholding information from the betrayed spouses is completely devastating.

Many betrayed spouses say that what made them give up on their relationship was not the affair. It was the drip, drip, drip of the facts about the affair that slowly leaked over time. (Trickle Truthing).  Just when the spouse was getting used to the facts that had been revealed, start to adjust and trust again -Boom, more information would surface.

Experts indicate that the best remedy is being upfront about everything from the start: how long the affair lasted, what you told the other guy about your marriage, where you went and what you did….. Everything.

Be accountable to your husband

Your husband needs a lot of proof that you are remorseful, serious, reliable and safe to love before he can trust you again. Rebuilding trust means rebuilding your credibility through complete accountability. This means that for a time, you will need to account for your time and actions.

Having to account for your every move may feel invasive, but it is non-negotiable. You might feel like you are being treated like a child; you may feel insulted; but, do you want your privacy or to save your marriage?

  • You may even swear that you have ended the affair, but your swearing means nothing right now.
  • The truth is that the blind, unconditional trust that your husband had in you has been destroyed, and regaining it is going to be a rite of passage.
  • As far as your marriage has gone so far, this is an extreme situation and extreme situations call for drastic measures.

Fact: your husband must catch you being ‘good’ in order to be able to trust you again.

For now, you must give up your passwords, access to your cellphones, email and social media accounts. The good news is that after a period of time of being caught being good, your husband’s need to check on you will diminish.

Are you willing to help your husband trust you again so that you can save your marriage?

Reassure your husband

It is unrealistic to think that your husband will get over the affair and move on immediately. You must reassure him over and over and over again, and as much as he needs it. Express remorse and repeatedly assure your husband that it will never happen again.

You turned his world upside down. Apologizing repeatedly is the least you can do. Your primary responsibility during this process is to show that you clearly understand what your husband has felt and experienced and to prove to him over and over that you truly regret it, and you are willing to earn back his trust, no matter what it takes.

You may think having to apologize repeatedly is hard. Well, think about how hard it is being your husband right now!

Allow your husband to set the pace of recovery: not you!

The process of recovering from infidelity is long and hard. After some time, you will feel that you have done all you can to help your husband heal and all you want is to put the affair behind your marriage and move forward. That is all good, but it is unfair and unrealistic.

Imagine you and your husband are climbing a mountain. You have already reached the summit but your husband is struggling to climb, and he is stuck. You are tired of waiting for him, and you want to get going. Will yelling at him to hurry up make him move any faster? The practical thing to do is to get down there and help him up.

It is the same case in this situation. You cannot dictate the pace at which your husband is going to heal.

Experts indicate that it takes at least two to five years for a marriage to get past an affair and reclaim the state of normalcy.

Do not push your husband and do not get impatient. He will seem happy one day and then avoid you the next. Sometimes he will need space. Sometimes he will cry about what you have done, ask a lot of questions, hurl judgment and even rage at you. Stand strong, stay faithful, keep apologizing and reach out with understanding.

Fact: Sometimes it will feel as if you are moving two steps forward and three steps back. Today you will be hopeful, and then tomorrow it will feel as if all hope is lost. Be patient. Pushing him to get over it before he is ready will only lead to further resentment.

You can survive this

Your marriage can survive the infidelity. Not only can it survive, but it can thrive. The journey will force both of you to do enormous amounts of introspection. You will learn a lot about yourselves and each other and become closer than ever before.

You might also get to resolve old issues that might never have been addressed. Your relationship will be kicked from its complacency, and you will learn what does not work.

You will both learn that your marriage is precious and that it is worth the effort. If you can get through this together, you will end up a stronger couple.

Additional insights:

Learn from this experience

Choose to learn from the experience. The best place to start is to explore the real reason why you cheated. Be honest with yourself and your husband about what was going on in your relationship before you cheated. This might be an incredible opportunity to build a stronger, healthier marriage.

Don’t become a punching bag

You have hurt your husband, and now you have to face the consequences. That being said, there are limits. Your cheating does not give your husband the license to abuse or attack you.

Forgive yourself

Yes, you made a horrible mistake. However, it does not mean you are evil, and you should not dwell on it forever. You are human, and everyone makes mistakes. Eventually, find a way to forgive yourself.

Protect your marriage

It is not enough to lead your marriage towards healing. You must also cushion your relationship against future attacks:

  • Ensure the other guy has no access to you or your marriage.
  • Surround yourself with friends of your marriage; people who will support your choice to save the marriage and not sabotage the process.

Is this the end?

In short, your husband wants you to choose him and your marriage again. And for a while, it has to be the most important thing in your life. As said earlier, he needs to catch you in the act of being a good wife before he will trust you.

If for some reason you can't face or see your husband, here is a guide on writing a letter to him to get him back.

Thanks for reading this guide, and if you were telling yourself that ‘I cheated on my husband and I want him back' I hope it has answered some of your questions.

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