10 Signs He Wants a Divorce Even When He Says Everything is OK

Signs he wants a divorce - Man and woman on couch not speaking

WHEN YOU THINK YOUR MARRIAGE is in trouble, it's natural to want all the information you can gather

The fact is that there is only one person who can provide you with this information – your husband. Unfortunately, the highest likelihood is that he will not be forthcoming…

He may still be undecided

Your husband may not be talking about divorce because he has genuinely not decided if he is going to leave. There may be times when he is away from you and he is sure that he wants to leave. But when he spends time with you or he sees the children, he changes his mind and wishes things could go well between you.

Also, if your husband really cares about your marriage, he may still want to give your marriage the best chance for survival. Even if you press him for information, what you get may be premature because he also doesn't know what he wants at this point.

10 Signs your husband wants a divorce

All marriages go through phases of doubts, fights, blame, and tension. Just because you are going through a difficult period in your marriage does not mean that your marriage is in trouble.

Some signs of a breaking marriage are obvious while others are subtle. Noticing warning signs is essential in salvaging your marriage or ensuring that you do not get the short end of the stick should your husband go through with the divorce.

1. There is no communication

One of the pillars of a healthy marriage is effective communication. Although lack of communication may have contributed to the deterioration of your relationship, further changes in your husband’s communication patterns may signal that it is truly over.

2. He attacks you instead of the problem

When you discuss the issues in your marriage;

  • Does your husband do it in a way that implies something is wrong with you?
  • Are you always wrong while he is always right?
  • Does he end up attacking your character or personality instead of focusing on the issues?
  • Does he use generalization; ‘you always,’ ‘you never…….’
  • Do you lately feel under attack from your husband anytime you have a serious discussion?

This is could be an indication that your husband is no longer interested in the marriage.

3. Your husband expresses his contempt towards you

You will notice that his comments towards you have changed from affectionate to critical. He will criticize your weight, appearance and everything else in between.

Does your husband mock you, call you names, roll his eyes or becomes hurtfully sarcastic when you bring issues up? Does he attack your self-worth? Your husband is no longer interested in solving issues, an indication that he is no longer interested in this marriage.

4.  Your husband is always on the defensive

Your husband treats every discussion like an attack. He keeps acting like a victim and makes lots of excuses. He will ignore everything you say and counter it with complaints. He will also stonewall and walk out of conversations.

These signs show that your husband is no longer interested in communicating with you and he no longer cares about how your arguments turn out. They also indicate that he thinks that finding a solution is pointless.

This behavior also shows that your husband has stopped caring and he is unwilling to put any more emotional investment in something he no longer believes in.

5. Change of focus

Is your husband spending more time away from home than normal? Has he put more of himself into his work, business, children, friendships or hobbies? Does he seem to care more about his appearance? Has he changed his looks significantly?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, your husband might be working towards a divorce. Also, if your husband has made significant changes in his routine, he could be building a separate social life in preparation for divorce or dating.

6. Your husband has started to move money around

Is your husband transferring money around without informing you? Probably withdrawing from the joint account or having salary deposited into a new account under his name?

Maybe he used to receive bonuses at work but he has not received them for some time, yet you know that he should be receiving them. He is either supporting someone else or anticipating a split.

A sudden change in behavior concerning money could be a sign that your husband wants to leave the marriage. This is especially the case if you have been making your financial decisions together. If his behavior is inconsistent with previous agreements, it is the clearest indication that your relationship is on the rocks.

Divorce never starts without careful financial planning. Your husband’s peculiar interest in financial matters is probably an indication that he is seeing an attorney who is asking him questions that he does not have an answer to.

7. Hidden Assets

One of the most obvious red flags for an impending divorce is your husband hiding assets.

You may notice new bank statements in the mail or realize that old statements are no longer coming. You may also find that you can no longer log into online Accounts. You may realize that your husband is lying about taxes and income.

If you notice suspicious activities of this nature, it could mean that your husband is hiding assets. Likely to protect them from the property division part of the upcoming divorce.

8. Your husband has withdrawn his affection

If your husband has become emotionally distant, this is a strong indication that he has checked out of the marriage.

Although it is common for the frequency of sexual intercourse to fluctuate in the course of a marriage, what is not normal is for a husband to avoid any form of intimacy with you.

If you realize that your husband rebuffs your efforts to be intimate with him, he is probably sharing that intimacy with another person and considering a divorce.

9. Your husband is reluctant to make joint decisions about the future

Is your husband reluctant to discuss the possibility of having another child? Does he no longer want to invest in a new home, even when you have considered it in the past, and you can afford it? What about vacations and plans for the summer? Is he avoiding a discussion about those too?

If your husband has suddenly stopped participating in decisions involving your future together, it is a huge red flag. The reason for your husband’s refusal to commit to the future could be that he doesn’t see you having one together.

10. Your husband withdraws physically

When you first met you were always physically close. There was plenty of sex and it was great. Now he seems withdrawn.

Some men have a hard time being physical with a woman they feel detached from. So him pulling away from sex can be a sign.

So what now..?

Just because your husband is exhibiting these behavior doesn’t mean he is definitely filing for a divorce. It could simply indicate that there is trouble in your relationship and if you act now, you could turn things around before matters get any worse.

If you answered yes to 5 or more of the points above then it's time to take action. It's quite unlikely with this many signs that it is a coincidence.

If you are not sure what the next steps are to recovering your marriage then there are specialists who can help. You can look at going to marriage counseling which is more of a formal step and may help your marriage.

However, if you want to start now and/or you don't think he will agree to any formal solutions then there is another option. There are more ‘DIY' programs that specialists in marriage breakdown have put together. You can see what they have to offer here.

EXPERT ADVICE – “I Cheated On My Husband Now He Wants A Divorce”

I Cheated on My Husband now He Wants a Divorce - Man handing back ring

I Cheated on My Husband now He Wants a Divorce - Man handing back ring

IF YOU ARE trying to dig yourself out of the enormity of an affair, and now you desire to fight for your marriage, this article is for you.

But first things first. Can your marriage be saved? The answer is yes!

It is very possible to rebuild your marriage if you are willing to do the work. Experts in relationship breakdown indicate that your ability to save your marriage has less to do with the circumstances of the affair but the responses of both you and your husband towards the affair.

Marriages do not end because of the infidelity; they end because of how infidelity is dealt with. Psychology Today.

Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, indicates that couples divorce after affairs because the betrayed spouse simply gives up trying when the cheating spouse continues to be shady, selfish and untrustworthy.

In a study, the highest divorce rate was among couples who had secret infidelity at 80%. In contrast in marriages where the affair did come to light, the divorce rate was 43%.

The study had further good news for couples who stayed together after an affair. Both infidelity and non-infidelity couples had similar levels of marital stability, and they were indistinguishable in their relationship satisfaction at the five-year mark.

So, you see, your affair is devastating but it is not necessarily disastrous for the long haul. Your marriage can rise from these ashes and thrive once again.

Take full responsibility for the affair

This seems obvious, but it is not. Many times, wives justify their affair by blaming their husband. ‘He was not meeting all my needs, so I turned to another man'. Here’s the truth; no matter what state your marriage was in when you cheated, you made the decision to be unfaithful.

You had other choices. There were certainly contributing factors in your decision to break your marriage vows. However, you must take full responsibility for your decision.

Do not justify your infidelity! Do not give excuses and flimsy reasons. Do not blame your husband for your actions!

Look your husband in the eye and sincerely apologize; without any Buts!  Tell your husband that you will do whatever it takes to fix the situation and help him heal from the pain that you have caused him.

Server your relationship with the other man

The priority right now is to help your husband to recover, which may involve significant life changes. An affair with someone in your social groups means that you may have to change your friends; an affair at work may mean that you find another job.

The bottom line is, do whatever it takes to server all contacts with the third party.

Rebuild your husband’s trust

You must commit to live a transparent life in order to win your husband’s trust.

Prepare to be more open and honest than you have ever been. Your husband will want to know where you are and what you are doing, and obviously with who.

And you're going to have to deal with this until he trusts you again. You did major damage to the trust in your marriage and be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild that trust:

  • Be consistent
  • Always be on time
  • Do what you say will do

Answer all your husband’s questions

Your husband will want a lot of information: who, what, when, where, why, including the gory details. Your natural inclination will be to lessen the blow by withholding information. Unfortunately, the truth always comes out in time. Withholding information will destroy any hope of rebuilding trust.

According to Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, earning back your husband’s trust calls for you to be upfront with him about the extent of the affair. Caroline indicates many spouses who have been cheated on leave the marriage not because of the affair, but because of the drip, drip, drip, of the truth.

Just when the spouse is getting used to the facts that have been revealed and is starting to adjust and trust again, more information surfaces. Be completely honest at the very beginning so that your husband can decide if he can forgive you with his eyes wide open.

Bear in mind that your husband’s life has been turned upside down and he needs all the information in order to make sense of it. It is not up to you but up to your husband to determine what he needs to know.

Why talking about it is important

Equally important in answering your husband’s questions is that you should be willing to keep answering them for as long as they need to ask. It is this willingness that demonstrates your commitment to the marriage.

Research by Dr. Peggy Vaughn revealed that couples are likely to save their marriage after infidelity when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation. Her study showed that:

  • 55% of a couple who discussed the situation very little was still married
  • 78% of couples who addressed the situation a good bit remained married
  • 86% of couples who discussed the unfaithfulness a lot remained married.

Thus, the extent to which a couple discussed the affair was significantly associated with the likelihood of saving the marriage.

In addition, Dr. Vaughn’s research revealed that a couple is more likely to remain married when the cheating spouse answered their partner’s questions.

  • 59% of those who refused to answer questions remained married.
  • 81% of couples whose cheating partner responded to some of their questions remained married
  • 86% of couples whose offending partners answered all their partner’s questions remained married

Thus, the extent to which the cheating spouse responded to questions was significantly associated with the degree of success in saving the marriage.

Patience! Patience! Patience!

Patience will be one of your greatest tools in getting through the process of rebuilding your marriage. Just because you feel that you have done all you could to deal with the situation, or think that you have dealt with it long and deeply enough does not mean your husband feels the same way.

Your husband is the one who was betrayed. It is unrealistic for you to decide when the affair should be a closed chapter. Efforts to move on will be futile until your husband feels that he has healed.

Recommit to your husband

Reiterate to your husband that you are all in and you are willing to do whatever it takes to fight for your relationship. Do not be in a hurry to move on. If you want to truly save your marriage, you and your husband should ask yourselves a few essential questions:

  • How did you get here? In other words, what are the underlying reasons for the affair? Experts encourage that you both spend a lot of time pondering and reflecting on this question.
  • What does your husband need to heal completely? (e.g., he may require that you seek professional counseling)
  • What are you doing to ensure that another affair doesn’t happen? You need to learn how to establish boundaries in your other relationships because affairs are essentially boundary violations.
  • If you move forward in this marriage what are you committing to? This might be the single most important question you can address as a couple as you move forward. An honest discussion of this question will enable you to reboot your relationship.

Experts say that recovery from infidelity is no different than any other serious life challenge. Contained within its experience are both pain and opportunity. Together with your husband, you can leverage this opportunity to rebuild a fantastic marriage.

What Now…?

You can birth a new marriage from the ashes and debris of the impending divorce and create a legacy of renewal.

Think of what an incredible experience to work through what could be defeat and come out on top. You will be stronger. Your marriage will be stronger, and your family would be stronger.

There is nothing like adversity to make a relationship stronger.

So if you have decided you want to keep your marriage together, it's time to get practical about it

Getting practical about saving your marriage

For instance, how will you deal with these situations…?

  • How will you help your husband get over the pain of being cheated on?
  • What will you tell the kids about the change in your relationship they have noticed?
  • What will your daily routine look like if your husband says he wants some space and decides to move to another room or out of the house?

Although these questions are a little uncomfortable, they are something you need to think of

But you aren't the first person in this situation… and there are resources that can help you along the way

For more in-depth information and advice on repairing a marriage, I recommend watching this short video

It explains how you can save your marriage, even if you are the only one trying

If it feels like he wants to throw in the towel, then this video might be the most important video that you ever watch

If you have any questions or comments relating to this topic you can contact me here

Best of luck,

Randy

“My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage… What Do I Do?”

husband is giving up on our marriage - wife tossing up whether to wear wedding ring

My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage - wife tossing up whether to wear wedding ring

IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE to save your marriage when your husband has clearly indicated that he wants out?

Should you give up and accept that your marriage is over?

The answer is that it is never too late to save your marriage.

You might simply be at the turning point in your marriage. You might have hit rock bottom.

Sometimes, it is not until things couldn’t get any worse that they start to get better.

Why do spouses give up on marriage?

Reason #1

After some time in the marriage, a spouse may become disillusioned.

They may feel that many of their expectations have been unmet and they start mourning their pre-marriage life.

If this is the case, then he thinks that leaving the relationship feels like the key to finding happiness once again. As a result, he will be unwilling to engage in any conversation about staying married.

Because he thinks that being married is what is making him unhappy.

Reason #2

Some spouses feel that they have lost the love they once had and the only solution is to bail out.

The truth is…

However, experts indicate that every healthy relationship goes through various stages.

ALL relationships will lose the original passion at some stage.  As life creeps in, responsibilities and the pressures of security get in the way of the both of you. He might feel that the intimacy and sex have suffered as a result.

My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage - wife at counselling trying while husband has given up

Why you shouldn’t give up on your marriage even when your spouse has bailed out

You can go it alone and save your marriage.

Many wives think that they need their husbands to work with them to fix their marriage. The reality is that you can single-handedly change the momentum of your relationship.

Your determination may be just what will motivate your obstinate husband to join in the process of saving your marriage.

1. It is the right thing to do

You owe it to yourself to give saving your marriage your best shot.

You always have the option to call it quits, but once you give up, that’s it. There are no more chances.

If you did ever end your marriage, you don’t want to have the slightest doubt about what might have happened if you had tried harder. If you have to end it, you want to know without any shred of doubt that you did everything you could to save your marriage.

2. You are not alone

Another reason why you should not give up on your marriage is that according to research, more than 32 million individuals are struggling in their marriages this very minute.

Many times, it might feel as if all other marriages are flourishing and only yours is ailing. Many other people are facing extreme challenges in their marriages, and they are working day and night to make it work.

And do you know what, some of these people will find a way out. If you hang in there, you could be among the people who save their marriages from the verge of breakup.

3. It IS NOT wasted effort

Working on your broken marriage is a good investment for the rest of your life, whether your marriage succeeds or not.

It is a fantastic pay off if you turn your marriage around, but even if you don’t, it will not be wasted effort. Indeed it will be the most important thing you will have done for yourself and your next relationship.

If you do not get complete closure in your marriage, relationships are going to be a revolving door for you. Soon, you will find yourself in the same situation you are with your husband with someone else.

Work on your marriage with every intention of restoring it, but, even if you don’t succeed, the effort will not have been in vain.

4 Tips on how to save your marriage when you are the only one trying

1. Agree with your husband

Your husband wants to walk away because this marriage makes him miserable. Do not try to convince him to stay.

Instead,

Agree with him: that you also no longer want the marriage you have had, mainly because he is unhappy and you would never want that for him. Agree that this marriage should be over.

Then,

Let your husband know you want to consider a new relationship with him.

This will allow you to get on the same page with your husband. It will no longer be you vs. him. He will feel like you have listened to him, and you understand how he feels.

This in itself will go some way to rekindling the connection with you. You might even ignite a marriage saving conversation.

The worst mistake you can make right now is to cling and beg your husband to stay

All the emotions you are feeling right now are powerful and authentic. But they serve no purpose in helping you save your marriage.

Pleading, clinging and begging will only drive your husband away faster.

Also, when you fall apart, you will be very unattractive to your husband.

When he sees that the situation he is putting you in is making you upset/angry/unhappy he will want to put an end to it. And the fast way for him to do that is to leave himself.

2. Get to work on yourself

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, work on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.

Whatever your age, make yourself as physically attractive to your husband as you can. He was physically attracted to you once: he can be attracted to you again.

You cannot go back to looking like the age you did when you met your husband, but you can be the best that you can be at your age.

Your husband doesn't want a supermodel. He just wants you to try your best for him. It shows him that you still care.

Also, stimulate your mind by learning new things: join a book club, take a class, read magazines that expand your mind, take a new hobby.

When you get an opportunity to talk with your husband, engage him in something interesting and fun rather than talking about your marital issues.

Talking about the problems in your relationship at this point will only lead to arguments and make things much worse.

3. Be as understanding and accepting of your husband as you can be

You don’t have to accept your husband’s decision, but you can accept his feelings. Do not question or judge his feelings.

When he feels that you understand him, he will be assured that you truly love him. Listen to your husband, show empathy, and you will pique his interest once again.

4. Be willing to forgive

You are frustrated and probably resent your husband. You feel he has rejected you by checking out of your marriage.

However, you cannot hope to rebuild a healthy relationship with him if you hold anger and bitterness towards him. You must accept that he is probably doing the best that he can with the skills that he has. He isn’t out to hurt you.

The process of saving your marriage will only work if you love your husband enough to forgive him. Forgiving your husband will empower you to do whatever it takes to change the course of his intentions.

Where to go from here…?

In the face of a marital crisis, someone has to be the brave one, and that person is you.

Saving your marriage is a noble task. Give it your all and do not lose hope. Your marriage can not only survive this disruption, but you can also use this crisis as a springboard towards real transformation.

Many marriages have risen from the verge of divorce to thrive once again. This can be your testimony if you handle this setback the right way.

 

Thanks for reading this guide on ‘My husband is giving up on our marriage'. I hope it has answered some questions for you. For more information, join the Manage Your Man mailing list.

“Does Marriage Counseling Work For Marriages Like Mine?”

Does Marriage Counseling Work for Marriages Like Mine - Marriage Counselor

Does Marriage Counseling Work for Marriages Like Mine - Marriage Counselor

MARRIAGE COUNSELORS AREN'T SUPERHEROES…

They have a very specific set of talents or specialities, and unlike superheroes, they cannot make anyone do anything

Even if it's good for them

So when you walk into their office in order for them to fix your marriage… they may not be able to help you

When you should see a marriage counselor

Marriage counseling aims to help to identify the problems, resolve the conflicts and heal their partnership

When you participate, the counselor or therapist is doing their best to empower you to make thoughtful decisions about mending and strengthening your relationship

At the same time helping you achieve a deeper understanding of each other and encouraging a more fulfilling marriage

Some of the signs that your marriage needs relationship counseling include:

  • You hardly speak to each other
    • Poor communication is a significant setback in marriage. If you cannot freely share your thoughts, ideas, and experiences with your spouse, this is a prominent sign for the need of couples counseling
  • You feel intimidated by your spouse
    • If you are scared of speaking with your spouse or you are hesitant to bring up some issues, it means that your marriage is troubled. Counseling will help you to develop the confidence to speak freely with your spouse
  • You keep secrets from each other
    • Even though each partner has the right to privacy, there needs to be transparency in your marriage for it to thrive
  • You restrict love and affection to punish each other
    • If one of you gets angry and stops loving, caring and talking to the other partner to punish them, this shows that your relationship is already strained.
  • One or both of you are financially unfaithful
    • If you and your spouse are withholding vital information about your finances: loans, expenses, savings, you will eventually destroy your marriage. Financial dishonesty shows that something is missing in the relationship which counseling can help
  • Your marriage lacks intimacy
    • When you are no longer intimate with your partner, it signals that something is wrong. This may point that you need a qualified person to help sort out what is missing in your relationship.
  • An affair has infiltrated your marriage
    • Recovering from an affair is not impossible, but it calls for a lot of work. With commitment and willingness, a counselor can help you salvage your marriage.
  • When you do not know how to solve your differences
    • If your discussions are always laced with a negative tone, and they always end up in fights, this is the perfect time to get a third party involved.

If you are stuck in marital discord, be honest and acknowledge that you need help.

When seeing a Marriage Counselor may not help

Marriage counseling isn't for everyone or every situation. Here are some reasons to try something else instead

  • When your husband doesn't want to talk about your marriage
  • If money is tight
    • Counseling can be expensive and it can add to the stress in your marriage
  • The counselor doesn't seem to help
    • Not all counselors are equal. Some aren't the right fit for your marriage. The good news here is that there are usually a few around and you can try someone else instead
  • If you don't believe counseling works
    • Counseling does help marriages. But if you don't think it will work from the start, then it will only be something to blame, it could actually make things worse. You will need to deal with this first, or use books instead.

Why you should seek counseling

All couples desire to have a healthy, fulfilling family life, but at times this goal can be challenging to achieve. Once in a while, you and your spouse may need to seek marriage counseling so that you can begin living the life you have always dreamed of.

If you feel that your relationship is not going in the intended direction, it is important that you take a step back and talk to someone that can help you work through the challenges.

Counseling has been proven to have immense benefits:

  • The couple gets impartial advice.
    • Having dealt with a wide range of marital issues, the counselor can offer practical tips on how to work on the various problem areas of a marriage
  • Counseling provides a safe environment for honesty.
    • When there is marital discord, the homes become the battleground for marriage. At that point, honesty can inflict pain and anger if it is not delivered in the appropriate setting. Counseling offers a safe environment free from judgment.
  • Counseling provides an opportunity to unburden resentment and frustration
    • These are some of the toxic emotions that poison every aspect of your relationship. A good therapist helps couples to pour out their anger so that they can solve their issues effectively.
  • Counseling helps couples to explore their problems from a new perspective and learn practical ways to resolve conflicts.
  • Therapy assists couples with the tools to build trust and improve communication in their relationship.

Seeking professional intervention for your marriage is prudent. Confronting the issues in your marriage now will save it from destruction in the future.

Research indicates that a couple who splits up will be financially worse off, and their children are more likely to have academic and behavioral problems in the future.

When to go for therapy  

When it comes to seeking marriage therapy, timing is everything. Many couples wait until the problems in the marriages have become too severe before they can seek for help.

Consider this:

Your precious vase can quickly be fixed with a little bonding material when the crack is two inches. The bonding material can be discretely applied on the inside, and it may not even be visible from the outside. But, what happens when you wait until your vase has 12 cracks running in all directions?

Many times, therapy fails because couples go to therapy when things are so bad; they have one foot and several toes out of the door. Indeed, some couples only go to therapy to confirm that they have done all they can to fix their marriage. They only want to justify the decision to leave their marriage.

According to Dr. John Gottman, couples wait for an average of six years of being miserable in their marriage before they seek help. He concludes that therapy could help to save more marriages if couples sought therapy before their relationships were in critical condition.

Sometimes the issues in a marriage could be too ingrained for the therapy to be effective. Timing is an essential element that will determine whether counseling will work or not.

To optimize the outcome of therapy

To get the most out of marriage counseling you and your spouse need to have the right attitude and goals. You should set specific goals to help you individually contribute to the success of the therapy.

Also:

Be open about your emotions

The most common source of marital discord is when spouses do not disclose how their partner’s actions make them feel. Couples need to understand that a huge part of the process is to talk openly about their emotions, which will be both difficult and uncomfortable

Find the right counselor

Research shows that in the hands of a good counselor, marriage therapy is effective 70 – 80% of the time. Ensure your counselor has the right credentials. All therapists must be licensed to practice therapy. This will vary from country to country.

However, experts recommend working with someone who specializes in marriage counseling- at least 30% of their practice should be on marriage therapy. They have seen and heard it all, and they will roll up their sleeves and help you.

The cost of marriage counseling

The cost of marital counseling will depend on the professional you decide to work with. Refer to the table below to find out how much your preferred professional is likely to cost you:

Mental Health Professional Background Cost Per Session
Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) Holds at least a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy $65 – $250
Licensed professional counselor / nationally certified counselor (LPC / NIC) Holds at least a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology or Social Work $5 – $300
Psychologist (PsyP) Holds a doctorate degree in psychology $75 – $156 per session, sometimes $200

In Summary…

It seems as if people are generally living in unsatisfying marriages. This doesn’t have to happen to yours.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be unfulfilling, mediocre or common. However, it takes a great deal of commitment and determination from both you and your spouse to maintain a rewarding relationship.

If you feel that you are struggling to maintain the connection you once had with your spouse, do not hesitate to seek marriage therapy.

A good therapist will assist you to compromise, appreciate one another and rediscover the compassion and empathy that the two of you share.  

And if you don't think marriage therapy is a good fit, then try reading what experts have to say, so you can apply that to your marriage

How To Save A Marriage When Only One is Trying – Quiz & 7 Expert Recommendations

How to Save a Marriage When Only One is Trying - Woman Looking Sad With Husband

How to Save a Marriage When Only One is Trying - Woman Looking Sad With Husband

TO PREPARE US FOR the workforce we have school, tertiary education, training, professional on-going development, and even mentorships

But when it comes to marriage, there isn't really any formal preparation… apart from some trial and error, and advice from our peers

So when things go bad or even just change, we often don't know what to do

And find ourselves in these loops that just go around and around and get nowhere

Expert advice can help break the loop and change your marriage for the better

But what do you do when you can't get your partner to agree to see a marriage counselor?

The good news is that you can take the fate of your marriage into your own hands…

Books and programs from experts:

Many counselors, psychologists, therapists, and other relationship experts write books about saving and fixing marriages. Are they right for you?

Pros and cons of using books and DIY programs

  1. You can use them when your partner doesn’t want to try to save the marriage
  2. They are less expensive than seeing a professional in person (quite a bit so)
  3. You get the best expert information (doesn’t matter if they don’t live near you)
  4. It's an easier and more casual way to start working on your marriage. Without the stress of confrontation, and ‘starting formal counselling'.
  5. No one needs to know that you're marriage is in trouble (not even your husband)

Short Quiz – Should you use a book or program?

  1. Is your husband happy to talk about your marriage situation?
  2. In your opinion, does your husband verbalize his feelings, emotions, and point of view clearly?
  3. Do you know exactly why your marriage is in trouble?

If you answered No to any of these questions, then a book or program is the best place to start.

Books can help provide answers to questions and any loops that you find yourself stuck in. All from the privacy and comfort of your own home, car or favorite coffee shop.

7 Popular Books and Programs

Save the Marriage – Dr. Lee Baucom

22+ years of experience in a book

Save the Marriage Book

Dr. Lee Baucom believes that simply having better communication skills is not going to fix your marriage.

In fact, he says that having better communication skills will only make you better at fighting. And that is one of the big issues with traditional marriage counseling, and why the success rates are so low…

His book will show you exactly what you need to do to become a ‘we’ again. And how to change your husband's current perception of you

how to save a marriage when only one is trying - Lee Baucom
Dr. Lee Baucom

He addresses marriages all the way from ‘I see problems down the road’ to ‘your husband has left and initiated legal proceedings – no communication’. Well worth the read, even if you are the only one trying to save your marriage.

Get your copy here or read a more detailed review here

MY OPINION: A great choice from a trusted source for when only one person is trying to save the marriage. Dr. Baucom also has an optional support group he only offers to people who have read his book (and understand his techniques).

Mend the Marriage – Brad Browning

Simple and easy to follow

Mend the Marriage Cover

Looking for a simple to follow guide for the best chance of saving your marriage?

Brad believes that by changing the way you think about marriage, you can change your marriage. And he has the testimonials to prove it!

Brad Browning
Brad Browning

Brad’s advice is simple to follow, in fact, he uses his own ABCD system. His book includes a few worksheets that you can work through to help prioritize and understand what’s happening in your relationship.

Included are some special guides on surviving infidelity, managing money and caring for your kids in the midst of a divorce or separation.

MY OPINION: This book contains plenty of good information but is a little light on in the practical side. A good option for the thinkers out there…

You can read a detailed review here, and get a copy for yourself here

The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work – Dr. John Gottman & Nan Silver

Data and science-based advice

Want to know what the data and scientific research says behind marriage breakdown?

Dr John Gottman (from the Gottman Institute) analyzed the difference between successful and non-successful marriages over a period of years from which the seven principles originate from.

Dr John Gottman
Dr John Gottman

This book investigates the issues of marriage in a detailed manner and offers plenty of tips, advice, and exercises to help you and your partner see eye to eye again.

After reading this book, you can expect to feel better and more positive about your husband and your marriage.

The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work is Available here

Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work – Matthew McKay Ph.D, Patrick Fanning, Kim Paleg Ph.D

A step-by-step guide to the relationship you've always wanted

No one ever said being in a relationship was easy. But if you are prepared to put in the work, this step by step guide teaches you how to work smarter not harder.

Each chapter covers a different vital skill such as communication, better problem coping skills, and healthy ways to resolve conflicts. Most of us have at least the basic skills, or we wouldn't be in a relationship at all. But few go beyond this, which is why so many relationships fail.

Matthew McKay
Matthew McKay

In this updated edition is a chapter covering a revolutionary new technique called ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Designed to help build deeper trust and intimacy, you learn how to own your emotions while at the same time accept your partner's feelings for what they are, no judgment.

By following the steps, you will see the real value in your relationship and how to commit to making it better. Get your copy here

MY OPINION: It's good that each chapter stands alone and works on one issue, but some of the language used is overly technical.

Hope for Your Marriage: Experience God’s Greatest Desires for You and Your Spouse – Clayton & Ashlee Hurst

Stories of wisdom over the ‘instruction manual' approach

Marriage counselors Clayton and Ashlee Hurst share their own struggles in 20 years of marriage. During this time, they have raised three children and have learned that God didn't create marriage as a way to make us all happy, what he created was love.

This faith-based approach to relationships is easy to read and offers a wealth of information. Including how to make the transition from the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship to the “everyday” phase successfully.

Clayton and Ashlee Hurst
Clayton and Ashlee Hurst

Rather than just another book with a list of step by step instructions, Clayton and Ashlee share what they have learned over the years.

The book also contains a foreword by Joel Osteen and highly recommended by many top religious figures. Get your copy here

MY OPINION: This book is easy to read and relate to, but there isn't much in the way of new information.

Marriage: From Surviving to Thriving: Practical Advice on Making Your Marriage Strong – Charles R. Swindoll

A fresh new look at making Christian relationships work today

In an era of change where gender roles are changing,  author Chuck Swindoll, pastor, and Bible teacher offers a healthy blend of hope and practical advice aimed at helping your marriage work better

charles-chuck-swindoll
Charles ‘Chuck' Swindoll

With so much change in the world and roles within the family in a constant state of flux, Chuck offers faith-based tips and advice placing God in charge and using His word as the guide to a better more fulfilling marriage

Get your copy here

MY OPINION:  Christians looking for practical, faith-based advice will enjoy this book. It is heavily Christian and may not be for everyone

How to Save your Christian Marriage – Dr. Lee Baucom

A comprehensive program to follow for Christian marriages

Save Your Christian Marriage

Has your husband decided to throw in the towel?

If this sounds like you then this is the book you are after. Written by a 20+ year qualified marriage counselor, it is specifically for Christians who want to use their faith to help them save their marriage… Even if only you are trying

Get your copy here

MY OPINION: A comprehensive choice for Christians looking to rekindle and reconnect with their partner. Specially written for marriages where only one is trying

You Can Do It

It's not going to be easy but yes, you can do it. Any of these books is a great start to helping you:

  • Understand your husband better & how he sees your relationship
  • Discover what is working and what isn't
  • How to get your needs met in your marriage

Men (and women) can get disillusioned in marriage. Using these books you can help remind him of why you got married in the first place

Thanks for reading, if you have a question or query you can contact me here

 

Images courtesy of:

 

How to Get Passion Back in Your Marriage & Reignite the Fire

how to fix a broken marriage - man and woman going out again getting ready for a date

how to get the passion back in a relationship - man and woman going out again getting ready for a date

MORE MARRIAGES DIE FROM neglect than anything else.

It is simply a matter of life getting in the way. The neglect soon grows into antipathy and animosity. Soon, the relationship opens up the potential for affairs and other marriage crises.

When people rate their life priorities, many people rank their marital relationship in the top three. Yet, couples spend only a few minutes every day discussing issues that do not concern schedules and children.

Do you see the irony here?

The marriage slowly starves to death

Through the course of the marriage, a lot happens. You get busy with the details of your lives that you forget why you got together in the first place.

Things that did not exist when you first got together become priorities: children, careers, hobbies, building empires. The ‘we’ gets lost. There is so much to do that it becomes challenging to pay attention to your spouse.

Then before long, you catch yourself saying things like:

  • You never compliment me on what I am wearing”
  • “When was the last time you paid attention to me? You always focus all your attention on your work/the kids/something else”
  • “You never make love to me anymore”
  • “How can we have sex when you are always tired?”

Marriages die slowly under the rising wave of indifference. Eventually, partners fall out of love with each other, and the marriage is broken.

Marriages do not die with a bang. They quietly tiptoe away and are gone before you know they have left. – Psychology Today

When the passion is gone

Ask yourself what feels broken about your marriage. Admitting that your marriage is in trouble is the first step towards healing your marriage. Some of the telltale signs of a struggling marriage include:

  • You are constantly criticizing each other
  • There is a lack of affection in the relationship
  • The two of you are arguing all the time
  • The two of you have withdrawn and built impenetrable walls between you
  • Mutual respect between and your spouse is waning
  • You no longer do things together
  • There is a reduced comfort zone: You can no longer open up to each other or be yourselves for fear of being hurt
  • You do not feel as close as you used to be
  • You feel frustrated with each other

Answered yes to many of the above points? Read on…

What next?

When a marriage is in trouble, there are only two choices: You can either commit to save the marriage or call it quits.

Deciding not to do anything is the same as calling it quits. It will only be a matter of time before your marriage erodes when not given the time and effort it requires.

While there are definitely times when separation and divorce are okay, they are no picnic and are definitely not ‘the easy way out’.

For starters, you will never escape the knowledge that you failed in your marriage. Think of all the disrupted lives and the expenses. What about the children if you have them? Many couples will say it is better for the children not to witness all the fighting. But do you know what is even better? Not fighting anymore.

How to get the passion back in your marriage

Fixing your broken marriage is not easy, but it is worth every try. And yes it is possible.

If you focus on restoring the connection and putting the past in the past, your marriage can be healthy again. The key here is not trying to fix every little thing that you think is wrong with the marriage, but committing on building a new relationship.

how to get the passion back in your marriage - man and woman having a serious conversation

Reflect on what has damaged your marriage.

This may seem like an obvious step, but it is crucial to mending your relationship. It is going to be painful but this time for honesty is a must if the marriage is to heal.

Here are some questions to help initiate thought or conversation around the potential issues in your marriage:

  • Has there been an absence of affection and passion in your marriage?
  • Have you been having constant arguments because of money?
  • Does either party feel that they are not getting due respect in the relationship?
  • Do either of you feel that your individual needs are not being taken care of?
  • Has either of you developed habits which have become destructive to your marriage?

Make a list of all the issues that are problematic in your relationship. Include those that you do not talk about for fear that they might lead to further conflict.

Being honest about the problems in your marriage goes a long way towards fixing it.

Acknowledge your part in the problem

Having identified the problem areas, you now have the opportunity to identify the things you are doing that have contributed to the situation.

Many times, one partner may look at the problem as the other partner’s to fix. After all, everyone wants to believe that they are the model spouse.

You say:

I clean up after him, and he is never grateful. It is his fault your marriage is falling apart.

He says:

I work hard and provide all the finances, and she is never grateful. It is her fault the marriage is coming undone.

The truth of the matter is that all of your motives are not always as pure as you would want your spouse to think. Also, it doesn't really matter who is right and wrong.

You can either be right or you can be happily married. Not both. – Anonymous

Each partner has plenty of room for improvement. Ask yourself:

  • Are my expectations always realistic?
  • Are there things I am doing or failing to do that are hurting my marriage?
  • Do I give my husband the benefit of the doubt?
  • Do I always respond to my wife with love and grace?
  • Am I truly on my husband's side?

You cannot fix a broken marriage unless you are willing to take responsibility for ALL OF IT. No matter what kind of a spouse you have, you are always responsible for your responses.

Quit the blame game. At this point, it does not matter who was right or wrong. And no single person wins. You all win or lose. – Jane Kamiri

Improve your communication

An essential component of fixing your marriage is communication. Your spouse could never read your mind. You, therefore, have to articulate your needs clearly.

At the same time, ensure your communication is honest and respectful. Do not speak in anger and do not be sarcastic. This will only invoke an angry reaction from your spouse, and you will soon be arguing.

  • Be patient with each other and talk to each other, not at each other.
  • Express your concerns constructively.
  • Keep the tone friendly and omit any judgment, criticism, and irritation.
  • Focus on solutions rather than dwelling on what went wrong.
  • Improve your listening skills.

You might find it easier to start writing a letter or a text message to help take some of the emotion out initially.

Find forgiveness

When the problems have been clearly articulated, it is time to apologize, forgive and move on. Look for ways to find forgiveness both for yourself and your partner so that you can move forward.

Commit to connecting again

Make rebuilding your marriage a priority: value your time together. No matter how busy your schedules are, always find time to spend together.

  • You can spend a few minutes every night chatting
  • Go out on dates if you can
  • Always find ways of aligning together through the good and bad times
  • Restore your intimacy
    • Sexual intimacy is crucial for the growth of your marriage. Even when you are not up to it, make an effort to be open to intimate moments as often as possible.

Also,

  • Stop asking yourself the wrong questions. Asking yourself ‘Did I marry the wrong person?’ is the wrong question. Instead, ask yourself, ‘How can I love correctly the person I married?’
  • Don’t talk to friends and family about your situation. Exposing your marriage makes it more vulnerable.
  • Even if your spouse is not on board, commit to doing it alone. Your effort can change the momentum of your marriage. Your effort will also motivate the obstinate spouse to make efforts to save the marriage.

Finally,

Be the change you want to see. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. Your problems will be resolved more by new choices than many discussions.

If your concerned about your marriage and want more help I encourage you to watch this short video. It is put together by a marriage expert that has many years of experience helping couples reunite.

If you want help to work together for your marriage, then I recommend that you put everything aside for the next few minutes and watch the video.

Best of luck in your situation.