How To Save A Marriage When Only One is Trying – Quiz & 7 Expert Recommendations

How to Save a Marriage When Only One is Trying - Woman Looking Sad With Husband

How to Save a Marriage When Only One is Trying - Woman Looking Sad With Husband

TO PREPARE US FOR the workforce we have school, tertiary education, training, professional on-going development, and even mentorships

But when it comes to marriage, there isn't really any formal preparation… apart from some trial and error, and advice from our peers

So when things go bad or even just change, we often don't know what to do

And find ourselves in these loops that just go around and around and get nowhere

Expert advice can help break the loop and change your marriage for the better

But what do you do when you can't get your partner to agree to see a marriage counselor?

The good news is that you can take the fate of your marriage into your own hands…

Books and programs from experts:

Many counselors, psychologists, therapists, and other relationship experts write books about saving and fixing marriages. Are they right for you?

Pros and cons of using books and DIY programs

  1. You can use them when your partner doesn’t want to try to save the marriage
  2. They are less expensive than seeing a professional in person (quite a bit so)
  3. You get the best expert information (doesn’t matter if they don’t live near you)
  4. It's an easier and more casual way to start working on your marriage. Without the stress of confrontation, and ‘starting formal counselling'.
  5. No one needs to know that you're marriage is in trouble (not even your husband)

Short Quiz – Should you use a book or program?

  1. Is your husband happy to talk about your marriage situation?
  2. In your opinion, does your husband verbalize his feelings, emotions, and point of view clearly?
  3. Do you know exactly why your marriage is in trouble?

If you answered No to any of these questions, then a book or program is the best place to start.

Books can help provide answers to questions and any loops that you find yourself stuck in. All from the privacy and comfort of your own home, car or favorite coffee shop.

7 Popular Books and Programs

Save the Marriage – Dr. Lee Baucom

22+ years of experience in a book

Save the Marriage Book

Dr. Lee Baucom believes that simply having better communication skills is not going to fix your marriage.

In fact, he says that having better communication skills will only make you better at fighting. And that is one of the big issues with traditional marriage counseling, and why the success rates are so low…

His book will show you exactly what you need to do to become a ‘we’ again. And how to change your husband's current perception of you

how to save a marriage when only one is trying - Lee Baucom
Dr. Lee Baucom

He addresses marriages all the way from ‘I see problems down the road’ to ‘your husband has left and initiated legal proceedings – no communication’. Well worth the read, even if you are the only one trying to save your marriage.

Get your copy here or read a more detailed review here

MY OPINION: A great choice from a trusted source for when only one person is trying to save the marriage. Dr. Baucom also has an optional support group he only offers to people who have read his book (and understand his techniques).

Mend the Marriage – Brad Browning

Simple and easy to follow

Mend the Marriage Cover

Looking for a simple to follow guide for the best chance of saving your marriage?

Brad believes that by changing the way you think about marriage, you can change your marriage. And he has the testimonials to prove it!

Brad Browning
Brad Browning

Brad’s advice is simple to follow, in fact, he uses his own ABCD system. His book includes a few worksheets that you can work through to help prioritize and understand what’s happening in your relationship.

Included are some special guides on surviving infidelity, managing money and caring for your kids in the midst of a divorce or separation.

MY OPINION: This book contains plenty of good information but is a little light on in the practical side. A good option for the thinkers out there…

You can read a detailed review here, and get a copy for yourself here

The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work – Dr. John Gottman & Nan Silver

Data and science-based advice

Want to know what the data and scientific research says behind marriage breakdown?

Dr John Gottman (from the Gottman Institute) analyzed the difference between successful and non-successful marriages over a period of years from which the seven principles originate from.

Dr John Gottman
Dr John Gottman

This book investigates the issues of marriage in a detailed manner and offers plenty of tips, advice, and exercises to help you and your partner see eye to eye again.

After reading this book, you can expect to feel better and more positive about your husband and your marriage.

The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work is Available here

Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work – Matthew McKay Ph.D, Patrick Fanning, Kim Paleg Ph.D

A step-by-step guide to the relationship you've always wanted

No one ever said being in a relationship was easy. But if you are prepared to put in the work, this step by step guide teaches you how to work smarter not harder.

Each chapter covers a different vital skill such as communication, better problem coping skills, and healthy ways to resolve conflicts. Most of us have at least the basic skills, or we wouldn't be in a relationship at all. But few go beyond this, which is why so many relationships fail.

Matthew McKay
Matthew McKay

In this updated edition is a chapter covering a revolutionary new technique called ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Designed to help build deeper trust and intimacy, you learn how to own your emotions while at the same time accept your partner's feelings for what they are, no judgment.

By following the steps, you will see the real value in your relationship and how to commit to making it better. Get your copy here

MY OPINION: It's good that each chapter stands alone and works on one issue, but some of the language used is overly technical.

Hope for Your Marriage: Experience God’s Greatest Desires for You and Your Spouse – Clayton & Ashlee Hurst

Stories of wisdom over the ‘instruction manual' approach

Marriage counselors Clayton and Ashlee Hurst share their own struggles in 20 years of marriage. During this time, they have raised three children and have learned that God didn't create marriage as a way to make us all happy, what he created was love.

This faith-based approach to relationships is easy to read and offers a wealth of information. Including how to make the transition from the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship to the “everyday” phase successfully.

Clayton and Ashlee Hurst
Clayton and Ashlee Hurst

Rather than just another book with a list of step by step instructions, Clayton and Ashlee share what they have learned over the years.

The book also contains a foreword by Joel Osteen and highly recommended by many top religious figures. Get your copy here

MY OPINION: This book is easy to read and relate to, but there isn't much in the way of new information.

Marriage: From Surviving to Thriving: Practical Advice on Making Your Marriage Strong – Charles R. Swindoll

A fresh new look at making Christian relationships work today

In an era of change where gender roles are changing,  author Chuck Swindoll, pastor, and Bible teacher offers a healthy blend of hope and practical advice aimed at helping your marriage work better

charles-chuck-swindoll
Charles ‘Chuck' Swindoll

With so much change in the world and roles within the family in a constant state of flux, Chuck offers faith-based tips and advice placing God in charge and using His word as the guide to a better more fulfilling marriage

Get your copy here

MY OPINION:  Christians looking for practical, faith-based advice will enjoy this book. It is heavily Christian and may not be for everyone

How to Save your Christian Marriage – Dr. Lee Baucom

A comprehensive program to follow for Christian marriages

Save Your Christian Marriage

Has your husband decided to throw in the towel?

If this sounds like you then this is the book you are after. Written by a 20+ year qualified marriage counselor, it is specifically for Christians who want to use their faith to help them save their marriage… Even if only you are trying

Get your copy here

MY OPINION: A comprehensive choice for Christians looking to rekindle and reconnect with their partner. Specially written for marriages where only one is trying

You Can Do It

It's not going to be easy but yes, you can do it. Any of these books is a great start to helping you:

  • Understand your husband better & how he sees your relationship
  • Discover what is working and what isn't
  • How to get your needs met in your marriage

Men (and women) can get disillusioned in marriage. Using these books you can help remind him of why you got married in the first place

Thanks for reading, if you have a question or query you can contact me here

 

Images courtesy of:

 

How to Get Passion Back in Your Marriage & Reignite the Fire

how to fix a broken marriage - man and woman going out again getting ready for a date

how to get the passion back in a relationship - man and woman going out again getting ready for a date

MORE MARRIAGES DIE FROM neglect than anything else.

It is simply a matter of life getting in the way. The neglect soon grows into antipathy and animosity. Soon, the relationship opens up the potential for affairs and other marriage crises.

When people rate their life priorities, many people rank their marital relationship in the top three. Yet, couples spend only a few minutes every day discussing issues that do not concern schedules and children.

Do you see the irony here?

The marriage slowly starves to death

Through the course of the marriage, a lot happens. You get busy with the details of your lives that you forget why you got together in the first place.

Things that did not exist when you first got together become priorities: children, careers, hobbies, building empires. The ‘we’ gets lost. There is so much to do that it becomes challenging to pay attention to your spouse.

Then before long, you catch yourself saying things like:

  • You never compliment me on what I am wearing”
  • “When was the last time you paid attention to me? You always focus all your attention on your work/the kids/something else”
  • “You never make love to me anymore”
  • “How can we have sex when you are always tired?”

Marriages die slowly under the rising wave of indifference. Eventually, partners fall out of love with each other, and the marriage is broken.

Marriages do not die with a bang. They quietly tiptoe away and are gone before you know they have left. – Psychology Today

When the passion is gone

Ask yourself what feels broken about your marriage. Admitting that your marriage is in trouble is the first step towards healing your marriage. Some of the telltale signs of a struggling marriage include:

  • You are constantly criticizing each other
  • There is a lack of affection in the relationship
  • The two of you are arguing all the time
  • The two of you have withdrawn and built impenetrable walls between you
  • Mutual respect between and your spouse is waning
  • You no longer do things together
  • There is a reduced comfort zone: You can no longer open up to each other or be yourselves for fear of being hurt
  • You do not feel as close as you used to be
  • You feel frustrated with each other

Answered yes to many of the above points? Read on…

What next?

When a marriage is in trouble, there are only two choices: You can either commit to save the marriage or call it quits.

Deciding not to do anything is the same as calling it quits. It will only be a matter of time before your marriage erodes when not given the time and effort it requires.

While there are definitely times when separation and divorce are okay, they are no picnic and are definitely not ‘the easy way out’.

For starters, you will never escape the knowledge that you failed in your marriage. Think of all the disrupted lives and the expenses. What about the children if you have them? Many couples will say it is better for the children not to witness all the fighting. But do you know what is even better? Not fighting anymore.

How to get the passion back in your marriage

Fixing your broken marriage is not easy, but it is worth every try. And yes it is possible.

If you focus on restoring the connection and putting the past in the past, your marriage can be healthy again. The key here is not trying to fix every little thing that you think is wrong with the marriage, but committing on building a new relationship.

how to get the passion back in your marriage - man and woman having a serious conversation

Reflect on what has damaged your marriage.

This may seem like an obvious step, but it is crucial to mending your relationship. It is going to be painful but this time for honesty is a must if the marriage is to heal.

Here are some questions to help initiate thought or conversation around the potential issues in your marriage:

  • Has there been an absence of affection and passion in your marriage?
  • Have you been having constant arguments because of money?
  • Does either party feel that they are not getting due respect in the relationship?
  • Do either of you feel that your individual needs are not being taken care of?
  • Has either of you developed habits which have become destructive to your marriage?

Make a list of all the issues that are problematic in your relationship. Include those that you do not talk about for fear that they might lead to further conflict.

Being honest about the problems in your marriage goes a long way towards fixing it.

Acknowledge your part in the problem

Having identified the problem areas, you now have the opportunity to identify the things you are doing that have contributed to the situation.

Many times, one partner may look at the problem as the other partner’s to fix. After all, everyone wants to believe that they are the model spouse.

You say:

I clean up after him, and he is never grateful. It is his fault your marriage is falling apart.

He says:

I work hard and provide all the finances, and she is never grateful. It is her fault the marriage is coming undone.

The truth of the matter is that all of your motives are not always as pure as you would want your spouse to think. Also, it doesn't really matter who is right and wrong.

You can either be right or you can be happily married. Not both. – Anonymous

Each partner has plenty of room for improvement. Ask yourself:

  • Are my expectations always realistic?
  • Are there things I am doing or failing to do that are hurting my marriage?
  • Do I give my husband the benefit of the doubt?
  • Do I always respond to my wife with love and grace?
  • Am I truly on my husband's side?

You cannot fix a broken marriage unless you are willing to take responsibility for ALL OF IT. No matter what kind of a spouse you have, you are always responsible for your responses.

Quit the blame game. At this point, it does not matter who was right or wrong. And no single person wins. You all win or lose. – Jane Kamiri

Improve your communication

An essential component of fixing your marriage is communication. Your spouse could never read your mind. You, therefore, have to articulate your needs clearly.

At the same time, ensure your communication is honest and respectful. Do not speak in anger and do not be sarcastic. This will only invoke an angry reaction from your spouse, and you will soon be arguing.

  • Be patient with each other and talk to each other, not at each other.
  • Express your concerns constructively.
  • Keep the tone friendly and omit any judgment, criticism, and irritation.
  • Focus on solutions rather than dwelling on what went wrong.
  • Improve your listening skills.

You might find it easier to start writing a letter or a text message to help take some of the emotion out initially.

Find forgiveness

When the problems have been clearly articulated, it is time to apologize, forgive and move on. Look for ways to find forgiveness both for yourself and your partner so that you can move forward.

Commit to connecting again

Make rebuilding your marriage a priority: value your time together. No matter how busy your schedules are, always find time to spend together.

  • You can spend a few minutes every night chatting
  • Go out on dates if you can
  • Always find ways of aligning together through the good and bad times
  • Restore your intimacy
    • Sexual intimacy is crucial for the growth of your marriage. Even when you are not up to it, make an effort to be open to intimate moments as often as possible.

Also,

  • Stop asking yourself the wrong questions. Asking yourself ‘Did I marry the wrong person?’ is the wrong question. Instead, ask yourself, ‘How can I love correctly the person I married?’
  • Don’t talk to friends and family about your situation. Exposing your marriage makes it more vulnerable.
  • Even if your spouse is not on board, commit to doing it alone. Your effort can change the momentum of your marriage. Your effort will also motivate the obstinate spouse to make efforts to save the marriage.

Finally,

Be the change you want to see. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. Your problems will be resolved more by new choices than many discussions.

If your concerned about your marriage and want more help I encourage you to watch this short video. It is put together by a marriage expert that has many years of experience helping couples reunite.

If you want help to work together for your marriage, then I recommend that you put everything aside for the next few minutes and watch the video.

Best of luck in your situation.

“Husband Angry All The Time?” How His Pent-up Anger Effects Your Marriage

Angry husband with wife

Husband angry all the time and sitting with wife

LIVING WITH AN ANGRY HUSBAND IS LIKE living at the base of an active volcano.

You are always alert, anticipating the next eruption. You stay in a constant state of hyper-vigilance; always looking for ways to cover for him.

And you spend all your energy keeping his anger from swamping the entire family.

Understanding Anger

Anger is just a form of emotional energy. It is not yelling and screaming. And it is not violence. Anger can be both constructive and destructive.

However, since many people have seen more of unhealthy expressions of anger, they only associate anger with negative things.

Anybody can become angry; that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way: that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy. – Aristotle

Healthy versus unhealthy anger in the marriage

Anger the emotion is not bad by itself. It is the choices that one makes in expressing the anger that makes the difference in the health of a marriage.

A spouse who expresses his anger healthily is able to talk about his feelings in a calm manner. Also, he does not try to manipulate the partner’s behavior.

Instead, he expresses himself, makes a request and is willing to accept the answer. When he realizes that his anger is escalating, he takes time out since he recognizes that he will not be logical and rational anymore. He can then revisit the topic at a later time once he has calmed down.

Unhealthy anger, on the other hand, is constant. The person seems ready to snap over little things, is always irritated by the spouse and those around him and he argues for the sake of arguing.

This anger also seeks to control the spouse and is often used as a weapon. It can also be used to punish the partner through things like silent treatment, withholding sex and sabotaging the partner’s efforts.

At the extreme, unhealthy anger is abusive. The abuse can either be verbal: calling names, intimidation, and threats; restricting the partner’s interactions; financial or even physical abuse.

Fact: While other emotions are healed in the presence of love, anger is blind and usually cannot see or receive the care that is being offered.

Anger and the sexless marriage

One cause for lack of intimacy in marriage is anger. If your husband expresses his anger disrespectfully, this will build resentment in you.

Over time, this resentment may evolve to dislike and even hatred for him. And how can you possibly be intimate with someone whom you do not like?

Another way an angry husband expresses himself is through constant criticism of his wife.

Criticism in a marriage is like water dripping on a rock. Slowly, the rock will be eroded. If you are regularly made to feel like you cannot do anything right, that you do not measure up to certain expectations, this will affect the quality of your intimacy.

At some point, you will become resentful and even angry even if you may not admit it. With time, you will find it completely difficult to be intimate with your husband. Sex will either be a chore or the most unpleasant thing that you have to endure in the relationship.

Your husband’s anger will drive you to depression.

A study by the University of Missouri has revealed that angry husbands can cause depression in their wives. In the study, researchers observed video clips of 416 married couples interacting at home.

The study found that husbands’ treatment of their wives dramatically influences their psychological wellness. Criticism and hostility have a lasting effect on the wives' wellbeing. It was further found that the effects of husbands’ anger on the wives continue throughout the marriages.

Anger begets anger: your marriage will produce angry children

Experts say that children learn how to form relationships from their parents through observation and social learning.

Your children will watch you and either learn the skills of problem-solving and conflict resolution; which lead to healthy relationships or distress, anxiety, and aggression; which lead to unhealthy relationships.

Experts indicate that anger is contagious. Unhealthy anger in all forms of its expression: violence and aggression is a learned behavior. This is the reason why children who are brought up in families with violence are more likely to be more aggressive to their own romantic partners.

Children learn to identify with the aggressor since they discover that the parent (in this case the dad) who yells the loudest gets his way. Anger, aggression, and hostility become a way of life.

Evidence also indicates that if children are exposed to prolonged anger and aggression, they may experience brain and hormonal changes due to fear.

They freeze in response to loud voices and anger. Later in life, the effects show up in the form of promiscuity, alcohol and drug abuse, codependency and eating disorders.

Don’t worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you. – Robert Fulghum

You will have an unhappy marriage

You were probably bewildered the first time you witnessed your husband’s angry outburst. But with subsequent eruptions, you have realized that your husband does not respect you.

Eventually, you will be put off by his immature and unreasonable behavior, and you will not have the patience to give him any attention. Your relationship will deteriorate.

Also, how can you be happy with someone you are scared of?

How can you:

  • Love him when you resent the way he treats you?
  • Laugh with yelling and angry shouting going on?
  • Want to spend any time that you do not have to spend with someone you resent?

Your marriage will not survive on the thin ice of lost love forever. It will eventually crumble under the pressure of anger.

Final thoughts

Anger coping mechanisms are entrenched in an individual, and they cannot change unless your husband makes a strong commitment to handle his anger more healthily. Your husband needs a structured program of anger management to learn how to break this destructive behavior.

Do not even for a minute think that you can change your husband’s anger patterns overnight. After all, he has had many years to practice before meeting you.

Ultimately, remember that you get what you put up with, not what you deserve. If you excuse, forgive and allow your husband’s repeated outbursts, why on earth should you expect him to change?

What you can  do

Make your husband ineffective in getting what he wants through anger. He has to learn that shouting, threatening and withdrawing will not get him what he wants.

If you give in to his anger, you will never get him to give up using anger as a manipulating tool. Be firm in your refusal; do not have any discussion about it.

Refusing to argue helps to put the issue to rest quickly so that you can both move on to other things. The next time you see him, be friendly and pretend like nothing ever happened. He will know how to treat you better, anger issues or not.

Thanks for reading this article on the effects on your marriage of when your husband angry all the time. You can contact me here if you have a question or query.

EXPERT ADVICE – “I Cheated On My Husband and I Want Him Back”

I cheated on my husband and now i want him back - woman pleading with husband

I cheated on My Husband and I Want Him Back - woman pleading with husband

IS IT AFFAIRS THAT BREAK UP MARRIAGES?

The question sounds ludicrous but it isn’t as straightforward as it seems.

And the answer is somewhat good news for those in relationships which have experienced infidelity.

Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, says that it is not affairs that break marriages up: it is the unfaithful spouse’s inability, to be honest about what happened and leave the affair behind them.

According to Madden, couples divorce after affairs, not because of the infidelity itself, but because the betrayed spouse simply gives up trying when the cheating spouse continues to be shady, selfish and untrustworthy.

Another encouraging fact is that the majority of couples stay together after infidelity. Psychology Today

Your marriage does not have to end because you had an affair. Even though the affair will cause your husband much heartache and anger, your marriage can survive. However, it is not going to be a walk in the park. Brace yourself for difficult work ahead of you to reclaim your husband and your marriage.

Healing your marriage will take dedication and perseverance, but the good news is that it can be done.

Take full responsibility for the affair

When you have betrayed your husband, you must acknowledge that you have inflicted anxiety, pain, and insecurity in him. You cannot expect your marriage to move forward if you do not take responsibility for your actions.

  • Your husband may have contributed to the breakdown of your relationship, but he did not force you to have the affair.
  • You may have felt lonely, rejected or neglected in the relationship, but you are the one who had an affair.
  • You may not have meant to hurt your husband, but you did it- deeply. And now his world is turned his world upside down.
  • You are the one who has caused him more pain than he could ever have imagined!

The earlier you can take responsibility, the sooner your marriage can start to heal.

A quick note why it hurts him so much

When you went outside the marriage, he no longer felt needed. All of a sudden, someone else could please you the way only he thought he could. In that way, he thought he was your hero. But now he will feel like a regular guy who doesn’t mean anything special to anyone.

There will also be pride issues, inparticular if the affair is public in some way. He may not be able to come to terms with his identity, (as someone whose wife had an affair) without breaking up the marriage.

There may be specific reasons as to why you cheated in the first place, but remember that infidelity is a choice. There are many other ways you would have approached the issues in your relationship, but you chose to have an affair. Forget about all the excuses; it was no accident.

The famous TV Doctor Dr. Phil thinks along these lines…

The one who cheats is solely responsible for his or her affair. No matter what problems exist in the relationship, and no matter how the betrayed spouse behaves him/she did not make you cheat, you chose that.

There are ways to deal with unhappiness in a marriage, but I assure you, cheating is absolutely not one of them. Cheating is merely a way to avoid dealing with either your personal shortcoming or the marital issues.

Cheating is about ego. It is selfish. Short of holding a gun to your head and forcing you to go outside the marriage, your spouse is not to blame for your affair. Own your stuff fully. – Relationship Rescue Written By Dr. Phil

I cheated on My Husband and I Want Him Back- woman ending affair

Immediately cut all contact with the other guy

This rule is of paramount importance for a reason: you cannot be fully emotionally available to your husband when you are still emotionally attached to the other guy. It will not be easy if you had an established friendship with the other guy, but it is best if you completely stop seeing him. This will help you to resist the temptation to cheat again.

Severing all ties with the other guy will help you emotionally reattach to your husband.

Be completely honest with your husband

After you have cheated, one of the ways to earn your husband’s trust is by being completely honest. Madden indicates that withholding information from the betrayed spouses is completely devastating.

Many betrayed spouses say that what made them give up on their relationship was not the affair. It was the drip, drip, drip of the facts about the affair that slowly leaked over time. (Trickle Truthing).  Just when the spouse was getting used to the facts that had been revealed, start to adjust and trust again -Boom, more information would surface.

Experts indicate that the best remedy is being upfront about everything from the start: how long the affair lasted, what you told the other guy about your marriage, where you went and what you did….. Everything.

Be accountable to your husband

Your husband needs a lot of proof that you are remorseful, serious, reliable and safe to love before he can trust you again. Rebuilding trust means rebuilding your credibility through complete accountability. This means that for a time, you will need to account for your time and actions.

Having to account for your every move may feel invasive, but it is non-negotiable. You might feel like you are being treated like a child; you may feel insulted; but, do you want your privacy or to save your marriage?

  • You may even swear that you have ended the affair, but your swearing means nothing right now.
  • The truth is that the blind, unconditional trust that your husband had in you has been destroyed, and regaining it is going to be a rite of passage.
  • As far as your marriage has gone so far, this is an extreme situation and extreme situations call for drastic measures.

Fact: your husband must catch you being ‘good’ in order to be able to trust you again.

For now, you must give up your passwords, access to your cellphones, email and social media accounts. The good news is that after a period of time of being caught being good, your husband’s need to check on you will diminish.

Are you willing to help your husband trust you again so that you can save your marriage?

Reassure your husband

It is unrealistic to think that your husband will get over the affair and move on immediately. You must reassure him over and over and over again, and as much as he needs it. Express remorse and repeatedly assure your husband that it will never happen again.

You turned his world upside down. Apologizing repeatedly is the least you can do. Your primary responsibility during this process is to show that you clearly understand what your husband has felt and experienced and to prove to him over and over that you truly regret it, and you are willing to earn back his trust, no matter what it takes.

You may think having to apologize repeatedly is hard. Well, think about how hard it is being your husband right now!

Allow your husband to set the pace of recovery: not you!

The process of recovering from infidelity is long and hard. After some time, you will feel that you have done all you can to help your husband heal and all you want is to put the affair behind your marriage and move forward. That is all good, but it is unfair and unrealistic.

Imagine you and your husband are climbing a mountain. You have already reached the summit but your husband is struggling to climb, and he is stuck. You are tired of waiting for him, and you want to get going. Will yelling at him to hurry up make him move any faster? The practical thing to do is to get down there and help him up.

It is the same case in this situation. You cannot dictate the pace at which your husband is going to heal.

Experts indicate that it takes at least two to five years for a marriage to get past an affair and reclaim the state of normalcy.

Do not push your husband and do not get impatient. He will seem happy one day and then avoid you the next. Sometimes he will need space. Sometimes he will cry about what you have done, ask a lot of questions, hurl judgment and even rage at you. Stand strong, stay faithful, keep apologizing and reach out with understanding.

Fact: Sometimes it will feel as if you are moving two steps forward and three steps back. Today you will be hopeful, and then tomorrow it will feel as if all hope is lost. Be patient. Pushing him to get over it before he is ready will only lead to further resentment.

You can survive this

Your marriage can survive the infidelity. Not only can it survive, but it can thrive. The journey will force both of you to do enormous amounts of introspection. You will learn a lot about yourselves and each other and become closer than ever before.

You might also get to resolve old issues that might never have been addressed. Your relationship will be kicked from its complacency, and you will learn what does not work.

You will both learn that your marriage is precious and that it is worth the effort. If you can get through this together, you will end up a stronger couple.

Additional insights:

Learn from this experience

Choose to learn from the experience. The best place to start is to explore the real reason why you cheated. Be honest with yourself and your husband about what was going on in your relationship before you cheated. This might be an incredible opportunity to build a stronger, healthier marriage.

Don’t become a punching bag

You have hurt your husband, and now you have to face the consequences. That being said, there are limits. Your cheating does not give your husband the license to abuse or attack you.

Forgive yourself

Yes, you made a horrible mistake. However, it does not mean you are evil, and you should not dwell on it forever. You are human, and everyone makes mistakes. Eventually, find a way to forgive yourself.

Protect your marriage

It is not enough to lead your marriage towards healing. You must also cushion your relationship against future attacks:

  • Ensure the other guy has no access to you or your marriage.
  • Surround yourself with friends of your marriage; people who will support your choice to save the marriage and not sabotage the process.

Is this the end?

In short, your husband wants you to choose him and your marriage again. And for a while, it has to be the most important thing in your life. As said earlier, he needs to catch you in the act of being a good wife before he will trust you.

If you feel as though your marriage is sliding, and he has completely cut himself off from you then it can be hard to imagine things ‘being how they used to be'

Marriage expert Dr. Lee Baucom suggests starting a new relationship with your husband rather than trying to salvage your old marriage. You can see more of his insights here

If for some reason you can't face or see your husband, here is a guide on writing a letter to him to get him back.

Thanks for reading this guide, and if you were telling yourself that ‘I cheated on my husband and I want him back' I hope it has answered some of your questions.

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“Does My Husband Love Me?” – The 8 Point Checklist To Know If He Has Checked Out

woman wondering does my husband love me while sitting on a bed

woman wondering does my husband love me while sitting on a bed

WHEN YOU LOOK AT HIM INSTEAD OF LOVE, you see a tired, impatient look in his eyes.

And all joy has drained from his life. He has not said anything, but you have started to feel less important than his work, his friends, and even his phone. Now you can hardly get him to spend any time with you. He always seems busy doing one thing or the other…

You try to win back his attention

And so you work even harder to attract his attention; to make him happy. You think that pleasing him will make things better, only to realize that your efforts only make him resentful.

You no longer feel validated, and affection has become a scarce commodity. And then it hits you; ‘Does my husband love me? or has he fallen out of love'

8 Signs that your husband does not love you anymore

Often, there are  signs that your husband no longer loves you. The problem is not inadequate signs but that wives do not want to see and accept them. It is not easy to admit that your husband has fallen out of love with you.

The following signs may be an indication that your husband is losing interest in you.

Before reading on, prepare to step back from your relationship for a moment and examine it from the perspective of an outsider. It can be helpful to use a pen and paper and write down a yes or a no in a column to keep score as independently as possible.

1. Sudden absence

One telling sign that your husband doesn't love you anymore is his absence. All of a sudden, he needs a lot of space. You get a distinct feeling that your husband is avoiding you. Experts say that men who fall out of love with their wives start coming home late and spending more time away.

He will give excuses such increased work at the office. He might also start going more to the gym. If you have consistently been spending weekends together, he will start making other plans.

Eventually, his excuses for his absence become more and more flimsy. One thing that is apparent is that it becomes harder and harder to connect with him. This is a clear indication that something is wrong.

2. Lack of interest

A sure sign that your husband may not love you anymore is that he has become less and less interested in the day to day happenings of your life:

  • He is no longer interested in knowing how your day was.
  • He does not inquire about your hobbies and interests anymore.
  • He might start making plans without involving you.
  • He no longer compliments you, and you don’t feel that he appreciates you or that he is attracted to you anymore.

Generally, if your husband is no longer engaged in your life, it is a bad sign.

3. He has started to disrespect you

Your once loving husband has started to treat you rudely. He makes negative comments and criticizes you all the time. He may start verbally or emotionally abusing you, and his behavior has become passive-aggressive. You will find yourself walking on eggshells around him.

He might start to compare you with other women or your relationship with other couples’, in a negative light. Suddenly, everything you do irritates him, even those little quirks that he once thought were cute.

When you husband starts hurting you intentionally, this a clear indicator that he has lost interest in you.

4. He no longer cares about your emotional and sexual needs

There are many reasons why your sexual life can slump. However, if there is a definite shift in the way he interacts with you physically, it could mean that he is no longer attracted to you. If it feels as though the passion is completely dead and he shows no interest in reviving it, he is probably falling out of love with you.

You will notice that he is not doing anything to reciprocate your efforts at intimacy. If you realize that your husband no longer focuses on your needs or even bothers to satisfy them, something is wrong in your relationship.

5. The way he handles conflict has changed

When a partner has fallen out of love, he handles disagreements differently than he used to. All couples have their individual style of conflict resolution. However, when a couple’s relationship is stable, they use a relatively consistent method to solve their conflicts.

However, when love starts to wane, so does the attention to conflict resolution. Is your husband:

  • Indifferent; altogether giving up on arguing? He instead placates you and goes ahead to do what he wants anyway?
  • Picking abrupt and confusing fights and then using them as an excuse to leave the scene?
  • Choosing to stay angry long after you argued?

If your husband no longer genuinely wants to settle your conflicts and fix your relationship, then something else is going on with him.

6. He discusses your relationship in a negative, hopeless manner

Men are problem solvers. If there is a problem, especially with the woman that they love they will do everything to solve it.

When he falls out of love, he will not take any responsibility for the situation. He will blame you for everything that is wrong with your marriage. His tone will also turn from one of genuine curiosity to one of resignation. You will hear things like ‘I am just not happy anymore’; ‘is this all worth it?’

If he has decided that there is no way of fixing your relationship, he is looking for a way out of the marriage.

Does my husband love me - man spending time on phone instead of with wife

7. He has become obsessed with his phone or device

While he no longer communicates with you when you are a part, he will stay glued to his phone when you are together. This is a way of distracting himself from spending real time with you.

If he is flirting with someone else, he will never put his phone down in the fear that you will discover he is emotionally unfaithful (or even worse). If he no longer finds your presence stimulating, then he has probably lost all interest in you.

And the obvious one:

8. He stops telling you that he loves you

If your husband has shifted from saying ‘I love you’ to always just ‘me too,’ he is probably losing interest in you. If you observe this, stop saying ‘I love you’ for a few days and see what happens. If he also stops expressing his love, then clearly there is a problem.

We hope you have a much better picture of whether he loves you or not. This is a crucial moment in your relationship that will determine whether you will live happily ever after or he leaves you.

The future

If you have kept score, and indeed discovered that he is losing interest in you, do not panic. Wondering whether a husband loves you is one of the most common questions many wives ask during a rough patch in their marriage. You are not alone, and you know what, your marriage can rise from these ashes and blossom once again.

Many times, a marriage needs to hit rock bottom before it can be rebuilt and revived.

Thanks for reading my guide on ‘does my husband love me?' – the checklist to know if he has checked out. You can contact me here

GetYourHusbandBack

How to Write a Letter to Husband to Save Marriage – Or Edit this Example

Letter to husband to save marriage being written by wife

Letter to husband to save marriage being written by wife

CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE IN MARRIAGE…

And it can either lead to discovery or damage depending on how you handle it

When you effectively deal with conflict, you will discover new approaches, ideas, and solutions to make your marriage even more vibrant.

If you do not solve your conflicts promptly, the wounds fester and conflicts intensify

The place of effective communication in a marriage

Conflict is not the problem in marriage; how to deal with conflict is the issue. Effective communication, therefore, becomes a large part of a successful marriage.

Research shows that communication problems are a significant indicator of marriage breakdown. 65% of marriages end in divorce when couples struggle with communication.

Research by Dr. Kirsten Grarningen of University College London revealed that communication problems are the leading cause of divorce in Britain. The trick to staving off divorce lies in having a better relationship, which is helped by having a strong communication channel between you and your husband.

It is no wonder most advice on how to fix a marriage encourages couples to talk it out. But what do you do when your husband doesn't want to talk about your problems? Do you leave him alone and assume he will come to you when he is ready? Do you allow issues to go unresolved and expose your relationship to further strain?

First things first; why won’t your husband talk to you?

There are many reasons why your husband could go quiet on you in the face of conflict.

  • He does not feel safe. Is it possible that the way you respond to your husband when you discuss difficult subjects has made him dread discussing tough issues with you? Do you become defensive and argumentative whenever you discuss your relationship problems?
  • Your husband fears that you will not be considerate of his feelings. Do you always try to control the conversation with your husband? Do you tell him to get over his hurt already? Why should he talk to you about this critical issue when you will disregard his feelings like you have done every other time?
  • Your husband could be unsure about his feelings about the situation, and he wants to think them through before speaking to you.
  • Your husband could be worried about making a complicated issue even worse.

Important to note: you must recognize that an individual cannot not communicate. Even when your husband is not talking, he is communicating. The question is, what is he saying to you?

What to do when your husband won’t talk to you

Successful negotiation is a vital part of a healthy relationship. Your husband is avoiding negotiating with you by his silence. Unfortunately, issues will not solve themselves and they will not go away by being ignored. Your marriage needs serious attention right now.

To start the healing of your marriage, you must kick-start communication with your husband. Since verbal communication is temporarily on hold, what alternatives do you have?

Put it in writing

Sometimes an effective way to get your husband to open up is to use an unexpected method of communication. There are many practical advantages of putting your thoughts in writing:

  • A letter gives you more time to think about what exactly you want to convey.
  • It allows you to choose the right words for the message that you have in mind.
  • You can pour out your heart without having to worry about being interrupted or tripping over your words.
Man reading letter from wife about serious topics in the relationship
It is unlikely you will be there while he reads the letter, although it can help to write the letter if you picture him reading it

How to make the most out of your letter

You are hoping to achieve a number of things with your letter: you want to get your husband back to the negotiation table. You are also hoping that writing the letter will be the start of the journey back to reconciliation with your husband. It is therefore important that you consider how your letter is going to be perceived.

  • Do not focus on yourself in the letter. The most important thing right now is to focus on the feelings of your husband but not your own. ‘My heart is breaking, and I don’t know what I will do if I lose you’… You can sprinkle the letter with a few of these phrases but watch out that the entire letter is not all about you.
  • Your husband is dissatisfied with your marriage as it is presently. For your letter to have an impact, it must clearly show how things will be different going forward.

Hint: Men crave physical intimacy. Your husband will respond even better to references for improving your physical relationship.

The letter

A carefully written letter can be the catalyst for reconciling your marriage as long as it is followed up with the right actions. We understand that writing letters (especially emotional ones) can be daunting. Feel free to look at the sample letter below and tweak it to suit your situation.

Example letter

Dear husband,

I will never forget the elegance I saw when I first set my eyes on you. I told you every day how handsome you are (often with some irritation). You were and still are everything I want in a man: you are ambitious, hardworking and honest. You are a man of integrity and honor.

I still remember when we first met: we enjoyed each other’s company and our days were filled with laughter. I felt loved and wanted. Your zest for life was infectious. I knew then that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. That has not changed, and it will never change.

The last ten years have been adventurous. We have been blessed with our children, we have set up a thriving business, and we have bought our home. But we have also tasted the bitter side of life: we have stared at bankruptcy and survived a horrible accident. Through it all, you have been my rock.

You are smart, talented and capable and when things are happening around us, no one makes me and our children feel as whole and safe as you do. I believe in you. I know I do not say this often. Forgive me for taking you for granted.

I admit that I am not as wise as you are and I have not been as patient as you. I know that I can be a mystery to you. You are pretty steady and consistent, and I am much less so. I am more emotional and sensitive than you to things that happen.

I know that I sometimes lash out at you when things do not go my way. I frustrate you a lot of times. I admit that the way I have handled our arguments in the past was not always very constructive. I have walked out in the middle of arguments and shut you out. I now realize how damaging my behavior has been to our relationship.

I regret the many things that I have said and done that have hurt your feelings. I am sorry for not being more attentive to you. Forgive me for all the times I disrespected you and made you feel anything less than the great man you are. Forgive me for putting our marriage in jeopardy.

I have reflected deeply, and I know where I have erred. I am now willing to begin the process of changing for the better. I plead for another chance to make things right. I will respect you and listen to you patiently. I will put your concerns into consideration. I will meet your needs to the best of my ability. Please help me to put our family back together.

I miss our late night conversations. I miss your cuddles and kisses. Please talk to me.

Love,

Me.

What happens next…

Writing a letter and putting it all out there like this can be daunting. It can feel like your giving him all the power in the relationship

But to save your marriage you must show him your vulnerable side

As for how and when he will respond, give him some time to get back to you.

It might take him a while for it all to sink in, but at the same time, don't let it drag on for months

And he may not ever address the topic of the letter with you verbally again. But you will know by his actions what kind of impact it has had on him

After the letter

Sitting down somewhere quiet with a pen and paper is the first step to removing those tense and negative feelings in your marriage

The next step is about re-building that intimate, strong connection you used to share

Because it wasn't long ago that you couldn't wait to see each other again. When every meeting had some physical element in it and you used to know exactly what he smelt like and he, you.

Bonding and connecting cannot be rushed. It must be done in order to maintain a strong relationship long term.

This is the true secret to those marriages where couples seem happy all the time. She knows how to make him feel like a better man when she is around.

And it isn't all about sex or giving him the space he says he wants (he doesn't really want it)

The good news is that you can start the process, even if you are the only one trying

And start looking forward to spending time together, going out and doing all those things you used to do as a couple

Instead of going home with a knot in the pit of your stomach while trying to put on a front for everyone else

You can start today to recreate the marriage you want

This short video begins to detail the process of how you can save your marriage

It might just be the most important video you watch for the sake of your marriage

Best of luck in your situation and thanks for reading this guide on how to write a letter to husband to save marriage. If you want more tips, advice, and help on saving your marriage then join the newsletter list.

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