How to Get Your Unsure Husband to Decide What He Wants… So You Can Get On With Your Life

Husband is unsure of what he wants in relationship

Unsure husband says he does not know of what he wants in relationship - busy on phone

HAS HE TOLD YOU HE IS NOT sure he wants to be married to you anymore?

Maybe he has said he needs time and space to figure out what he wants. Or he has given you the cliched ‘I love you but I am not in love with you’.

Worse still, he may have stated that even though he loves you deeply, he has fallen in love with someone else and he does not know what to do.

Or he may not have said any of these things but is simply emotionally distant since he is trying to figure out whether he wants to continue his marriage with you.

What his doubt does

If you are in a situation where your husband is expressing doubts about your marriage, it can be frightening. Witnessing the falling apart of your family is the most painful thing you can ever experience.

You may become desperate and depressed. There are days you will wake up and wonder if it is all a dream.

You will try everything in your power to make him change his mind; to make everything ok. However, you will soon realize that you cannot force him to make a decision. So, you will resign yourself to whatever decision he will make.

But after a while, it can feel like ‘relationship limbo’ where the not knowing is the most painful part, and all you want is to move on; in or out of the marriage.

But how will you help your husband to decide what he wants so that you can both continue with your lives?

Do not pursue your husband

It is human to want to save your marriage. However, remember you cannot control the decisions your husband makes. Crying, pleading and begging your husband to stay will only push him even further away. You come across as completely unappealing and it will never work in your favor. Your desperation only solidifies his resolve to end the marriage.

Do not cling

Texting and emailing thousands of messages saying that you are sorry, that you will forgive him, that you will change, that no one will ever love him the way you do, that he is destroying the children, will not make your husband stay. Many of us even ‘fall sick’ or ‘accidentally’ hurt ourselves, hoping to hear the husband say that he has decided to stay.

Question: do you want your husband to stay because he loves you, and he wants to be with you or because it's too hard to change and start over?

Wife is pushing husband away

Things you should NOT do to make your husband make the decision you want:

  • Do not act needy or desperate.
  • Do not keep pointing at all the good things about you and the marriage.
  • Do not try to manipulate your husband by making him look at your wedding photos.
  • Do not try to make your husband feel guilty about your relationship or the current circumstance
  • Do not follow him around the house like a sad puppy. In fact, do not appear like a sad puppy at all.
  • Do not enlist the help of your friends and family to make your husband stay with you.

What to do

Tell your husband that you have also thought about the situation and you agree with him. This is important and lets him know that you have listened and you're in fact in the same situation as him.

But don’t agree about the plans to give up. Instead, agree on what you both don’t want. Then, when everything is out in the open, tell him that you want to start a new relationship with him.

And commit yourself to improve your relationship no matter what he decides.

Draw the boundary

Many women have reacted to unsure husbands by providing them permission to do whatever they wish. Many of us will ignore or tolerate inappropriate behavior. We think that this will facilitate a positive outcome.

Worse still, you are still having sex with your husband even though he is not sure whether he wants to be with you. Here is a dose of reality: sparks may still go off whenever you come together in bed, but it takes more than sex to build a relationship. I know you are confused because you still care about your husband. You are waiting for loathing to set in so that you can triumphantly turn down his advances. But what if you never feel that hatred?

What to do

Put some boundaries in place to prevent the prolonging of the ‘limbo’ situation. Also, you do not want to be his back up if his other plans do not work out. You should not give him an option to have a month or two off from your marriage so that he can explore how it feels to be single again and how much he likes it. You deserve better than that.

Let him know that he can leave if he wants to. However, once he does, he will not be coming back until your marriage is fully restored. Also, let him know that you will not wait for long. Lastly, he will lose you and your family if he is unfaithful to you. This message sobers him up because it greatly increases the risk to him. He will also make a decision quicker since he will realize that he cannot have his cake and eat it too!

Request him to go for counseling

A man who really cannot decide what he wants needs to work with his wife and a counselor to make a decision. Since going through a divorce will impact all the areas of your lives, the pressure on your husband to make the right choice is enormous. If your husband refuses, then he has already decided.

A good counselor will help your husband to work through his issues:

  • Does he still have feelings for you?
  • Is he truly ready to leave or is he just threatening? Many times, spouses threaten to leave for the following reasons:
    • Anger and Frustration.
    • To gain power and control over the spouse
    • To finally be taken seriously
    • As a wakeup call that the marriage is ailing
  • Is the passion between the two of you really no longer present or is it just buried under responsibilities?

What if he does not want to go for therapy?

Do you know you can convince your reluctant husband to attend counseling by offering something? Many counselors indicate that a lot of people attend therapy because the other spouse offered something in return for their attendance. The good news is that the reluctant spouses report to finding the sessions helpful and many have eventually embarked on saving their marriages.

The final thought

We invest a lot of blood, sweat, and tears in our marriages and put a lot on the line. We devote our emotions, time, efforts and energy to our marriages. We want our marriages to be happy and healthy.

I am sorry you are going through this difficult period. But you know what, research shows that many marriages have beat the odds and survived the threat of divorce. Yours can also be a success story. Maintain your commitment and keep the faith.

If your husband decides to work on the marriage, it's time to get some help. The first step is to educate yourself on what your husband needs out of your marriage. You'd be surprised how quickly a marriage can change when you can correctly recognize the real issues.

This is not the time to stick your head in the sand and leave your marriage to fate. Making promises to change is not enough because you will invariably fall back into old habits. You both need help to make the changes stick.

If after educating yourself and implementing change in your marriage doesn't work, then it's time to Reach out to a good counselor to help you realize the relationship that you both want and deserve.

Unfortunately, I cannot recommend a good counseling service at this time. If you don't know one, ask around discretely with your close married friends. You might be surprised whose been to counseling.

Thanks for reading this guide on how to deal with your unsure husband. If your stuck or have any comments or queries, then please contact me here

How to Repair a Broken Marriage After He Has Moved Out

How to repair a broken marriage - sad woman who is not sure of what to do next

How to repair a broken marriage - sad woman who is not sure of what to do next

I CANNOT THINK OF ANYTHING MORE HEARTBREAKING and painful than having your partner check out of your marriage.

Right now you may be angry and frustrated, scared and helpless. What’s more, you may be feeling like a loser.

However, I want you to know that you are not alone. Consider the following statistics:

  • 32 million people are experiencing challenges in their marriages right now.
  • 87% of the people in troubled marriages do not want to end their marriage, but they have no idea what to do.

You are not alone!

There is absolutely nothing unique about your situation. Even the strongest marriage can get off track because of various reasons: Mismatch of expectations, stresses of life, and attachment injuries.

But even that which seems like an impossible situation can be turned around. Marriages have risen from the throes of separation and grown to become beautiful, fulfilling relationships.

You can save your marriage

It must feel like a helpless cause especially when your husband repeatedly says it is over. Sometimes he may even yell it. He probably becomes furious when you attempt to talk about it.

Many of us have thought that since your husband is the one who wants out, there is absolutely nothing that can be done. You believe that all that is left is to wait and see what he decides. This is simply not true.

Marriage takes two people to build and in the same way, two people have to agree that it is over. The truth is that one committed partner can make a huge difference in a relationship. So what will you do to save your marriage?

Do not panic

Yes, he has said it is over, and yes he has moved out. Still, I say, do not panic. Stop for a minute and breathe. And then treat this like a break. Many couples have greatly benefited from some breathing room to get a fresh perspective on their relationship.

Temporary separations are not new. Statistics indicate that 2.3 percent of married couples have been separated at one point in their marriage. However, you must discuss some boundaries with your husband:

  • How often will you see each other?
  • Will you date other people?
  • What do you tell the children?

Ultimately, the separation can be a time of tremendous personal growth. It also takes away the sense of being trapped in the marriage for your husband. Resentment dissipates, and he can be his objective self once again.

Do not chase after your husband

Many women that are holding onto the marriage start acting in desperate ways when their husband announces that he is leaving: they beg, plead, cajole, guilt trip him and implore him. They make endless phone calls, send numerous text messages and emails.

These efforts will fail miserably. Let me tell you why:

  • When you are doing all these things, your husband interprets them as pressure. He will, therefore, dig in his heels, insisting that the marriage is over. The more you coerce him, the more he feels trapped, and then the more he wants to flee.
  • Your begging and pleading are making you appear desperate and unattractive. You cannot be attractive when you are falling apart emotionally.
  • Human compassion drives people away from people whose pain they have caused, especially when they have no intention of stopping the action that is causing the pain.
  • If your husband wants out, there are aspects of the marriage that he was gravely uncomfortable with. The marriage you have was making him miserable; sounds cruel but I am sorry it has to be said. So tell me, why on earth would he want to return to that same unfulfilling marriage?

Here’s is what you should do instead:

  • Agree with your husband that you also no longer want the marriage you had because at least one of you was unhappy.
  • Agree that the marriage should be over.
  • Inform him that you want to start a new relationship with him.

This allows you and your husband to get on the same page. Your husband will feel the relief, and this has the potential to restart the entire marriage saving conversation.

How to repair a broken marriage - woman taking up her passions again

Get a life

Separation is one of the most painful times we can experience. You will naturally be inclined to become depressed. You will most likely be in tears half of the time, mope around sadly and probably lose all interest in the things you used to enjoy. However, how helpful is this going to be? How can you get your marriage out of the ditch if you continue like this?

So, yes, you are in the worst pain and heartbreak, but it is absolutely important that you get a life. Choose to be ridiculously happy right now. Roll up your sleeves and do whatever you have to do make yourself feel inspired and alive. And laugh once again. I cannot emphasize this enough. Purpose to reclaim a small part of your life by having some pleasurable moments every day.

A quick question: when you inevitably meet your husband due to various engagements; which one do you think he will like more? The happy you or the you who is gorging her eyes out in misery?

So, become the best version of yourself. What are the characteristics that made you attractive to your husband all those years ago? Reflect and resurrect those attributes. Go on and become daring, charming and adventuresome once again. This sad situation can be an incredible opportunity for your husband to fall in love with you again.

Clarify what you need to change

Yes, your husband is the one who is misbehaving. However, there is a need to inspect your side of the street to see if there are messes that you need to sort out. Were you too critical of him? Have you been making any angry comments? Check with your husband. The next course of action; map out a plan for fixing every single item on your list.

By the way: have sex, lots of it. But only when your husband initiates it. During sexual connection, bonding hormones are released. Use them to your advantage.

The reconciliation

By now, your husband thinks you have had an awakening. You are no longer nasty, angry or cold. You now have a life, and you are feeling good and healthy again. You have rediscovered your joy. You are taking care of yourself and becoming a better person.

He will become curious. He will want to spend more time with you. He might even have a change of heart and come back home. While it may not happen overnight, all thoughts and talks of divorce could be forgotten. You only need to pace yourself and be patient.

Final thought

Regardless of how bad things between you and your husband are, your marriage can be saved. It is not only possible to repair your marriage, but you can indeed turn things around, rekindle your love and build a healthy lasting relationship.

Even though your husband has given up, you have the most important thing going for you: commitment.

Remember, you are not alone, and it is not over until it is over.

Best of luck.

If you have any questions or queries you can get in contact here.