“My Husband Wants a Divorce but Still Sleeps With Me…” – The PROS and CONS of Sex with Undecided Husbands

Husband sleeping while wife wonders what she should do when he has asked for divorce but still keeps sleeping with her

Husband sleeping while wife wonders what she should do when he has asked for divorce but still keeps sleeping with her

HAS YOUR HUSBAND ASKED YOU for a divorce but says that he will miss you and doesn’t want to give you up? Does he keep sending you mixed signals? Does he go as far as wanting to make love with you? You are frustrated and very confused.

Are you wondering ‘What does he really want?’ Because when you decide to divorce your spouse, aren’t you letting them go in every sense of the word?

Contrary to what you may think, many spouses have reported continuing having sex with their soon to be ex-spouses for a variety of reasons. After all, sex with your almost sex is familiar, probably comforting and the absurdity and the naughtiness makes it all too hot.

Why your soon to be ex-husband wants to have sex with you

  • Your husband could be finding sex with you familiar and convenient, even though you are separated. He knows what he is getting. He may not be ready to date, but he still gets his needs met in the comfort of your home.
  • Being intimate could be part of the grieving process for him: the funeral sex. Sex at this stage could really be a way for him to grieve, heal and say goodbye to you.
  • Again, it could be because of the looming divorce, things are much nicer and calmer. There is no fighting, and the pressure is off. You have gotten some me-time, you are taking care of yourself and you have probably started working out. You're looking much better than you have looked in a long time and he has noticed. He is attracted to you all over again.
  • It could also be that your husband is conflicted about the looming divorce. This can especially be the case when he sees how much you are hurting. Having sex with you could be his way of comforting you.
  • Your husband could be finding it hard to turn off his feelings for you. Just because he wants to divorce you does not necessarily mean that he no longer loves you or that he doesn’t wish that things were different. He is probably only dissatisfied with the marriage he has with you at present, but he does not know how to fix things. Feelings do not just disappear just because the marriage is in trouble.

My Husband Wants a Divorce but Still Sleeps With Me - Women thinking what to do, weighing up pros and cons

Sex: To have it or not

The little window of time between the separation and divorce is very significant; a lot of important things can happen. It is also when a definite decision will be made to either save or kill the marriage. Many times, you will be willing to do whatever you need to do to keep your family together: including having sex with your spouse.

This is completely honorable considering how much you desire to save your marriage. However, it is highly advisable that you should have sex with your eyes wide open (no pun intended).

Why you should make love with your separated husband

Many times, a marriage could be in trouble despite the fact that the spouses love each other. The love is there, but the ability to make a healthy and fulfilling marriage is not.

Your husband may therefore still have loving feelings towards you only that he does not know how to make your marriage more fulfilling. If you perceive this to the case, then, by all means, go ahead and sleep with your husband. During sex, oxytocin is produced. Oxytocin is also produced during touching and kissing with the highest amounts being released during orgasm.

Oxytocin is a powerful hormone that plays a significant role in bonding spouses together. Having sex may, therefore, set both of you on a journey back to closeness.

Of course, sex alone will not fix your marriage since there is something that is keeping the feelings between the two of you from being sufficient to make your husband stay. You must, therefore, work through whatever the issues might be:

  • A conflict that keeps cropping up
  • Lack of intimacy and therefore drifting apart
  • Communication breakdown
  • Money issues

As you work through your problems, sex will help your feelings to once again take the center stage, followed by the commitment to your marriage.

The big question is, is your husband honest when he says that he still loves you?

Reasons to not have sex with your separated husband

Do you want to save your marriage or just let go? Do you still love your partner? Is your marriage worth saving? Is there any chance of saving your marriage? Only you can answer these questions.

If you have no desire to save your marriage, having sex with your husband is probably a bad idea. Having sex with your husband will not only slow down your healing process but severely compromise your efforts to move on.

Having sex with your husband is also inadvisable if he is involved with another person sexually. Even if you saved this marriage, you would have given your husband the message that you are willing to be intimate with him even when you know he is concurrently having sexual relations with someone else. Is this the message you want to send?

Also, it is almost impossible to compete with an illicit lover. Illicit love is very exciting: the exaggeration of the emotions and the thrill of doing something forbidden. You will find it hard to match up to your husband’s illicit sex when you are emotionally drained by your impending divorce.

If your husband has truly decided to end your marriage, the bonding and closeness that sex brings might set you up for disappointment. If he insists on moving on, having sex with him will set you up for more misery by creating within yourself false hope.

Final thoughts

So, what do we say about having sex with your husband even after he has asked for you for a divorce? The decision is yours.

Just a small word of caution, though. Do not allow sex with your partner to go on for too long if he is not deciding to get back together with you. You will be stuck in ‘Limbo land,' and it won’t be good for you.

Also, bear in mind that there is no such thing as meaningless sex with someone whom you still have feelings for. And you can never call it casual when you are embroiled in the inherent misery of a looming divorce.

Many women have experienced the pain and confusion that inevitably accompanies sex with a soon to be ex. If it is clear you are headed for a divorce, put on the breaks.

Give yourself and your marriage some space. You have many decisions to make and negotiations to settle. You need to navigate the divorce with a clear mind. Love yourself enough to allow yourself time and distance to move on.

Thanks for reading. If you were asking ‘my husband wants a divorce but still sleeps with me' I hope this has gone some way to answering your questions.

If you have a question, query or comment, you can get in contact with me here


5 Ways to Get Your Husband to Listen to You After You Make a Mistake

Get your husband to listen to you after you make a mistake - husband ignoring wife

Get your husband to listen to you after you make a mistake - husband ignoring wife

HAVE YOU DONE SOMETHING that has greatly upset your husband?

Did you share a private secret with someone else that your husband had trusted you to keep?

Or did you make a joke in front of your friends that you thought was funny, only to realize you greatly embarrassed your husband?

Perhaps you said something hurtful in the middle of an argument, and now you regret it.

As much as these situations are terrible, what is worse is allowing them to drag out. By not speaking about the issue, withdrawing from your husband, and digging in your heels, you will breed bitterness and end up hurting your marriage.

To propel your relationship after you have made a mistake, here are some tips on how to make your husband listen to you.

1. Timing is everything

Your husband does not multitask as well as you do (no man does). Initiating the conversation when he is watching TV is not a good idea. You will not get his full attention. You cannot compete with distractions. The place and time when you have the conversation are crucial. It might be tempting to call him and apologize over the phone, but calling him while at work or attempting to solve a conflict when he is busy is not going to end well.

Take yourselves out of your home: go to a restaurant or take a walk. Juggling an intense conversation with rushing to wipe your children’s spills just won’t work. If you cannot leave, wait until the children are asleep.

Is it a good time for your husband?

Also, find out whether it is a good time for your husband. Is he sleepy, exhausted or in a bad mood? These are not good times to talk. If he indicates that it is not a good time, respect that. Ask him when it would be better to talk. If talking needs to wait, set a realistic time and stick to it.

Tip: When it is finally time to have the conversation, sit beside your husband and not face to face. Sitting face to face could be intimidating, and the eye contact might be distracting during a tough conversation. It also increases the emotional distance between the two of you when there is already tension. Sitting beside your husband sets a more relaxed and comfortable environment for the conversation.

2. Start the conversation on the positive

This is going to be a tough conversation; indeed it is one we would rather not have. So it's tempting to postpone it. When a window to talk pops up you think maybe tomorrow, maybe next week.

But the longer you wait, the bigger the issue will become. And it can eventually start eating into your relationship.

Even when the look of hurt and disappointment in your husband’s eyes fills you with dread. And all words feel inadequate and you do not know how best to express your remorse, it is still important to have the conversation, and have it in a quick time frame. But there is a trick you can use to make starting the conversation easier…

A couple talking in their bed

So, why not start smart?

Before you even utter the first word, set yourself up for success. Starting the conversation on the positive can significantly change the atmosphere of the conversation.

If you are not sure exactly what to say, express how much you value your husband’s willingness to sit down and talk with you. Express your appreciation for how your husband handled things even when he was clearly hurt. True appreciation of what he has done for you is a great way to start a hard conversation with your man. (Men absolutely love being appreciated).

Appreciate other gestures of kindness from your husband during that difficult period. Also, highlight the attributes that make you confident that your relationship will thrive despite the conflict: his patience, wisdom and his forgiving nature.

Quick tip: Do not come with expectations of how your husband will react when you apologize. He may or may not grant the forgiveness right away. He may even need time to let your apology sink in. Let your husband know that you will respect his reaction to your apology, even if he needs the space to process your mistake.

3. Apologize: the right way

‘I am sorry you are feeling bad about what I did; but can we please just forget about it and move on?’ is not an apology.

Yes, there is such a thing as a lousy apology. Not being sincere in your apology is one of the worst mistakes that many of us make. Your husband knows you, and he will know you are merely apologizing to end the conflict. I mean, you did not marry a fool, did you?

Also, an apology that turns into an explanation of why you did what you did is horrible. I know you are trying to show you did not intend to hurt him, but it just comes off as an excuse.

‘I didn’t mean it,’ doesn’t really help. The fact of the matter is that your husband is hurting, whether you intended it or not. Attempting to justify your intention damages the attempted apology. There is a very thin line between an apology and a justification.

4. Admit you are wrong – without any excuses.

Owning your mistakes is hard, and it can be a painful process. However, the healing of your relationship relies on your ability to take full responsibility for your actions. It might take some time for your husband to heal if the mistake was too hurtful, but your willingness to be vulnerable and own your mistakes goes a long way towards your reconciliation.

  • Show true remorse for the pain that you have caused your husband.
  • Commit to not hurt your husband again by repeating the hurtful behavior.
  • Acknowledge the consequences of the action that created the pain.
  • Present a plan of action to make things right.

Quick tip: Refusing to admit you are wrong and seeking forgiveness from your husband will severely damage your marriage. Pride has no place in marriage. You can only strengthen your relationship by practicing vulnerability. And do not ever, dismiss your husband’s feelings of betrayal by telling him to get over it. This is lack of wisdom.

5. Do not dwell on conflict

After your husband forgives you, it is time to mend your relationship, draw closer and deepen your intimacy. Take the initiative to organize activities that you can enjoy together. And, do not make it a habit of repeating the mistake. After you make a mistake enough times, the apology becomes meaningless. The apology will also be rendered worthless if it is not accompanied by a change of behavior.

Most importantly, how do you treat your husband when he has hurt you? This is the true benchmark of how you can expect him to treat you when you make mistakes. If you are hard on him and demand for your pound of flesh when he errs, you will find it harder to expect compassion and understanding from him when the tables are turned.

Final thoughts

We all make mistakes, it's how we deal with those mistakes that matters. If you're still umming and ahhing about what, when and how to get your husband to listen then it's time to put the relationship first and lead by example.

If this sounds like a big step for your current situation then you can get some help.  I recommend educating yourself and getting a different perspective from an expert before trying to take your husband to any formal counseling.

It's also important to remember that you are not alone. Not only are there people to help you, but many women have gone through similar situations and come out the other side with a stronger relationship.

Lastly, do not let this experience go to waste. Learn from it; use it to strengthen your relationship. If your marriage can overcome this challenge, it can overcome the next and the next. Your relationship is not as fragile as you probably feared. Take pride in that.

How to Get Your Unsure Husband to Decide What He Wants… So You Can Get On With Your Life

Husband is unsure of what he wants in relationship

Unsure husband says he does not know of what he wants in relationship - busy on phone

HAS HE TOLD YOU HE IS NOT sure he wants to be married to you anymore?

Maybe he has said he needs time and space to figure out what he wants. Or he has given you the cliched ‘I love you but I am not in love with you’.

Worse still, he may have stated that even though he loves you deeply, he has fallen in love with someone else and he does not know what to do.

Or he may not have said any of these things but is simply emotionally distant since he is trying to figure out whether he wants to continue his marriage with you.

What his doubt does

If you are in a situation where your husband is expressing doubts about your marriage, it can be frightening. Witnessing the falling apart of your family is the most painful thing you can ever experience.

You may become desperate and depressed. There are days you will wake up and wonder if it is all a dream.

You will try everything in your power to make him change his mind; to make everything ok. However, you will soon realize that you cannot force him to make a decision. So, you will resign yourself to whatever decision he will make.

But after a while, it can feel like ‘relationship limbo’ where the not knowing is the most painful part, and all you want is to move on; in or out of the marriage.

But how will you help your husband to decide what he wants so that you can both continue with your lives?

Do not pursue your husband

It is human to want to save your marriage. However, remember you cannot control the decisions your husband makes. Crying, pleading and begging your husband to stay will only push him even further away. You come across as completely unappealing and it will never work in your favor. Your desperation only solidifies his resolve to end the marriage.

Do not cling

Texting and emailing thousands of messages saying that you are sorry, that you will forgive him, that you will change, that no one will ever love him the way you do, that he is destroying the children, will not make your husband stay. Many of us even ‘fall sick’ or ‘accidentally’ hurt ourselves, hoping to hear the husband say that he has decided to stay.

Question: do you want your husband to stay because he loves you, and he wants to be with you or because it's too hard to change and start over?

Wife is pushing husband away

Things you should NOT do to make your husband make the decision you want:

  • Do not act needy or desperate.
  • Do not keep pointing at all the good things about you and the marriage.
  • Do not try to manipulate your husband by making him look at your wedding photos.
  • Do not try to make your husband feel guilty about your relationship or the current circumstance
  • Do not follow him around the house like a sad puppy. In fact, do not appear like a sad puppy at all.
  • Do not enlist the help of your friends and family to make your husband stay with you.

What to do

Tell your husband that you have also thought about the situation and you agree with him. This is important and lets him know that you have listened and you're in fact in the same situation as him.

But don’t agree about the plans to give up. Instead, agree on what you both don’t want. Then, when everything is out in the open, tell him that you want to start a new relationship with him.

And commit yourself to improve your relationship no matter what he decides.

Draw the boundary

Many women have reacted to unsure husbands by providing them permission to do whatever they wish. Many of us will ignore or tolerate inappropriate behavior. We think that this will facilitate a positive outcome.

Worse still, you are still having sex with your husband even though he is not sure whether he wants to be with you. Here is a dose of reality: sparks may still go off whenever you come together in bed, but it takes more than sex to build a relationship. I know you are confused because you still care about your husband. You are waiting for loathing to set in so that you can triumphantly turn down his advances. But what if you never feel that hatred?

What to do

Put some boundaries in place to prevent the prolonging of the ‘limbo’ situation. Also, you do not want to be his back up if his other plans do not work out. You should not give him an option to have a month or two off from your marriage so that he can explore how it feels to be single again and how much he likes it. You deserve better than that.

Let him know that he can leave if he wants to. However, once he does, he will not be coming back until your marriage is fully restored. Also, let him know that you will not wait for long. Lastly, he will lose you and your family if he is unfaithful to you. This message sobers him up because it greatly increases the risk to him. He will also make a decision quicker since he will realize that he cannot have his cake and eat it too!

Request him to go for counseling

A man who really cannot decide what he wants needs to work with his wife and a counselor to make a decision. Since going through a divorce will impact all the areas of your lives, the pressure on your husband to make the right choice is enormous. If your husband refuses, then he has already decided.

A good counselor will help your husband to work through his issues:

  • Does he still have feelings for you?
  • Is he truly ready to leave or is he just threatening? Many times, spouses threaten to leave for the following reasons:
    • Anger and Frustration.
    • To gain power and control over the spouse
    • To finally be taken seriously
    • As a wakeup call that the marriage is ailing
  • Is the passion between the two of you really no longer present or is it just buried under responsibilities?

What if he does not want to go for therapy?

Do you know you can convince your reluctant husband to attend counseling by offering something? Many counselors indicate that a lot of people attend therapy because the other spouse offered something in return for their attendance. The good news is that the reluctant spouses report to finding the sessions helpful and many have eventually embarked on saving their marriages.

The final thought

We invest a lot of blood, sweat, and tears in our marriages and put a lot on the line. We devote our emotions, time, efforts and energy to our marriages. We want our marriages to be happy and healthy.

I am sorry you are going through this difficult period. But you know what, research shows that many marriages have beat the odds and survived the threat of divorce. Yours can also be a success story. Maintain your commitment and keep the faith.

If your husband decides to work on the marriage, it's time to get some help. The first step is to educate yourself on what your husband needs out of your marriage. You'd be surprised how quickly a marriage can change when you can correctly recognize the real issues.

This is not the time to stick your head in the sand and leave your marriage to fate. Making promises to change is not enough because you will invariably fall back into old habits. You both need help to make the changes stick.

If after educating yourself and implementing change in your marriage doesn't work, then it's time to Reach out to a good counselor to help you realize the relationship that you both want and deserve.

Unfortunately, I cannot recommend a good counseling service at this time. If you don't know one, ask around discretely with your close married friends. You might be surprised whose been to counseling.

Thanks for reading this guide on how to deal with your unsure husband. If your stuck or have any comments or queries, then please contact me here

How to Repair a Broken Marriage After He Has Moved Out

How to repair a broken marriage - sad woman who is not sure of what to do next

How to repair a broken marriage - sad woman who is not sure of what to do next

I CANNOT THINK OF ANYTHING MORE HEARTBREAKING and painful than having your partner check out of your marriage.

Right now you may be angry and frustrated, scared and helpless. What’s more, you may be feeling like a loser.

However, I want you to know that you are not alone. Consider the following statistics:

  • 32 million people are experiencing challenges in their marriages right now.
  • 87% of the people in troubled marriages do not want to end their marriage, but they have no idea what to do.

You are not alone!

There is absolutely nothing unique about your situation. Even the strongest marriage can get off track because of various reasons: Mismatch of expectations, stresses of life, and attachment injuries.

But even that which seems like an impossible situation can be turned around. Marriages have risen from the throes of separation and grown to become beautiful, fulfilling relationships.

You can save your marriage

It must feel like a helpless cause especially when your husband repeatedly says it is over. Sometimes he may even yell it. He probably becomes furious when you attempt to talk about it.

Many of us have thought that since your husband is the one who wants out, there is absolutely nothing that can be done. You believe that all that is left is to wait and see what he decides. This is simply not true.

Marriage takes two people to build and in the same way, two people have to agree that it is over. The truth is that one committed partner can make a huge difference in a relationship. So what will you do to save your marriage?

Do not panic

Yes, he has said it is over, and yes he has moved out. Still, I say, do not panic. Stop for a minute and breathe. And then treat this like a break. Many couples have greatly benefited from some breathing room to get a fresh perspective on their relationship.

Temporary separations are not new. Statistics indicate that 2.3 percent of married couples have been separated at one point in their marriage. However, you must discuss some boundaries with your husband:

  • How often will you see each other?
  • Will you date other people?
  • What do you tell the children?

Ultimately, the separation can be a time of tremendous personal growth. It also takes away the sense of being trapped in the marriage for your husband. Resentment dissipates, and he can be his objective self once again.

Do not chase after your husband

Many women that are holding onto the marriage start acting in desperate ways when their husband announces that he is leaving: they beg, plead, cajole, guilt trip him and implore him. They make endless phone calls, send numerous text messages and emails.

These efforts will fail miserably. Let me tell you why:

  • When you are doing all these things, your husband interprets them as pressure. He will, therefore, dig in his heels, insisting that the marriage is over. The more you coerce him, the more he feels trapped, and then the more he wants to flee.
  • Your begging and pleading are making you appear desperate and unattractive. You cannot be attractive when you are falling apart emotionally.
  • Human compassion drives people away from people whose pain they have caused, especially when they have no intention of stopping the action that is causing the pain.
  • If your husband wants out, there are aspects of the marriage that he was gravely uncomfortable with. The marriage you have was making him miserable; sounds cruel but I am sorry it has to be said. So tell me, why on earth would he want to return to that same unfulfilling marriage?

Here’s is what you should do instead:

  • Agree with your husband that you also no longer want the marriage you had because at least one of you was unhappy.
  • Agree that the marriage should be over.
  • Inform him that you want to start a new relationship with him.

This allows you and your husband to get on the same page. Your husband will feel the relief, and this has the potential to restart the entire marriage saving conversation.

How to repair a broken marriage - woman taking up her passions again

Get a life

Separation is one of the most painful times we can experience. You will naturally be inclined to become depressed. You will most likely be in tears half of the time, mope around sadly and probably lose all interest in the things you used to enjoy. However, how helpful is this going to be? How can you get your marriage out of the ditch if you continue like this?

So, yes, you are in the worst pain and heartbreak, but it is absolutely important that you get a life. Choose to be ridiculously happy right now. Roll up your sleeves and do whatever you have to do make yourself feel inspired and alive. And laugh once again. I cannot emphasize this enough. Purpose to reclaim a small part of your life by having some pleasurable moments every day.

A quick question: when you inevitably meet your husband due to various engagements; which one do you think he will like more? The happy you or the you who is gorging her eyes out in misery?

So, become the best version of yourself. What are the characteristics that made you attractive to your husband all those years ago? Reflect and resurrect those attributes. Go on and become daring, charming and adventuresome once again. This sad situation can be an incredible opportunity for your husband to fall in love with you again.

Clarify what you need to change

Yes, your husband is the one who is misbehaving. However, there is a need to inspect your side of the street to see if there are messes that you need to sort out. Were you too critical of him? Have you been making any angry comments? Check with your husband. The next course of action; map out a plan for fixing every single item on your list.

By the way: have sex, lots of it. But only when your husband initiates it. During sexual connection, bonding hormones are released. Use them to your advantage.

The reconciliation

By now, your husband thinks you have had an awakening. You are no longer nasty, angry or cold. You now have a life, and you are feeling good and healthy again. You have rediscovered your joy. You are taking care of yourself and becoming a better person.

He will become curious. He will want to spend more time with you. He might even have a change of heart and come back home. While it may not happen overnight, all thoughts and talks of divorce could be forgotten. You only need to pace yourself and be patient.

Final thought

Regardless of how bad things between you and your husband are, your marriage can be saved. It is not only possible to repair your marriage, but you can indeed turn things around, rekindle your love and build a healthy lasting relationship.

Even though your husband has given up, you have the most important thing going for you: commitment.

Remember, you are not alone, and it is not over until it is over.

Best of luck.

If you have any questions or queries you can get in contact here.