HAS YOUR HUSBAND ASKED YOU for a divorce but says that he will miss you and doesn’t want to give you up? Does he keep sending you mixed signals? Does he go as far as wanting to make love with you? You are frustrated and very confused.
Are you wondering ‘What does he really want?’ Because when you decide to divorce your spouse, aren’t you letting them go in every sense of the word?
Contrary to what you may think, many spouses have reported continuing having sex with their soon to be ex-spouses for a variety of reasons. After all, sex with your almost sex is familiar, probably comforting and the absurdity and the naughtiness makes it all too hot.
Why your soon to be ex-husband wants to have sex with you
- Your husband could be finding sex with you familiar and convenient, even though you are separated. He knows what he is getting. He may not be ready to date, but he still gets his needs met in the comfort of your home.
- Being intimate could be part of the grieving process for him: the funeral sex. Sex at this stage could really be a way for him to grieve, heal and say goodbye to you.
- Again, it could be because of the looming divorce, things are much nicer and calmer. There is no fighting, and the pressure is off. You have gotten some me-time, you are taking care of yourself and you have probably started working out. You're looking much better than you have looked in a long time and he has noticed. He is attracted to you all over again.
- It could also be that your husband is conflicted about the looming divorce. This can especially be the case when he sees how much you are hurting. Having sex with you could be his way of comforting you.
- Your husband could be finding it hard to turn off his feelings for you. Just because he wants to divorce you does not necessarily mean that he no longer loves you or that he doesn’t wish that things were different. He is probably only dissatisfied with the marriage he has with you at present, but he does not know how to fix things. Feelings do not just disappear just because the marriage is in trouble.
Sex: To have it or not
The little window of time between the separation and divorce is very significant; a lot of important things can happen. It is also when a definite decision will be made to either save or kill the marriage. Many times, you will be willing to do whatever you need to do to keep your family together: including having sex with your spouse.
This is completely honorable considering how much you desire to save your marriage. However, it is highly advisable that you should have sex with your eyes wide open (no pun intended).
Why you should make love with your separated husband
Many times, a marriage could be in trouble despite the fact that the spouses love each other. The love is there, but the ability to make a healthy and fulfilling marriage is not.
Your husband may therefore still have loving feelings towards you only that he does not know how to make your marriage more fulfilling. If you perceive this to the case, then, by all means, go ahead and sleep with your husband. During sex, oxytocin is produced. Oxytocin is also produced during touching and kissing with the highest amounts being released during orgasm.
Oxytocin is a powerful hormone that plays a significant role in bonding spouses together. Having sex may, therefore, set both of you on a journey back to closeness.
Of course, sex alone will not fix your marriage since there is something that is keeping the feelings between the two of you from being sufficient to make your husband stay. You must, therefore, work through whatever the issues might be:
- A conflict that keeps cropping up
- Lack of intimacy and therefore drifting apart
- Communication breakdown
- Money issues
As you work through your problems, sex will help your feelings to once again take the center stage, followed by the commitment to your marriage.
The big question is, is your husband honest when he says that he still loves you?
Reasons to not have sex with your separated husband
Do you want to save your marriage or just let go? Do you still love your partner? Is your marriage worth saving? Is there any chance of saving your marriage? Only you can answer these questions.
If you have no desire to save your marriage, having sex with your husband is probably a bad idea. Having sex with your husband will not only slow down your healing process but severely compromise your efforts to move on.
Having sex with your husband is also inadvisable if he is involved with another person sexually. Even if you saved this marriage, you would have given your husband the message that you are willing to be intimate with him even when you know he is concurrently having sexual relations with someone else. Is this the message you want to send?
Also, it is almost impossible to compete with an illicit lover. Illicit love is very exciting: the exaggeration of the emotions and the thrill of doing something forbidden. You will find it hard to match up to your husband’s illicit sex when you are emotionally drained by your impending divorce.
If your husband has truly decided to end your marriage, the bonding and closeness that sex brings might set you up for disappointment. If he insists on moving on, having sex with him will set you up for more misery by creating within yourself false hope.
So, what do we say about having sex with your husband even after he has asked for you for a divorce? The decision is yours.
Just a small word of caution, though. Do not allow sex with your partner to go on for too long if he is not deciding to get back together with you. You will be stuck in ‘Limbo land,' and it won’t be good for you.
Also, bear in mind that there is no such thing as meaningless sex with someone whom you still have feelings for. And you can never call it casual when you are embroiled in the inherent misery of a looming divorce.
Many women have experienced the pain and confusion that inevitably accompanies sex with a soon to be ex. If it is clear you are headed for a divorce, put on the breaks.
Give yourself and your marriage some space. You have many decisions to make and negotiations to settle. You need to navigate the divorce with a clear mind. Love yourself enough to allow yourself time and distance to move on.
Thanks for reading. If you were asking ‘my husband wants a divorce but still sleeps with me' I hope this has gone some way to answering your questions.
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