Every woman believes that men cheat,
Every woman believes her husband is different. And that her marriage is different.
The truth is that any marriage can become vulnerable to an affair. Experts indicate that even marriages that seem to be strong can suffer infidelity under certain circumstances. It is further commonly believed that men cheat more than women.
According to a study that was carried out in 2017, 22% of married men indicated that they have strayed when still married. This is compared to 14% of married women. While these numbers appear low, they are still too high for the comfort of the marriage institution.
You are not necessarily at fault
When a husband cheats, the wife is left feeling that she is at fault or there is an underlying problem with the relationship. However, experts say that this could not be further from the truth. Marriage therapists indicate that your husband could still be tempted to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with you or the quality of the feelings that you share.
According to Dr. Fran Walfish, issues that lead your husband to cheat fall into one of two categories: a problem with the husband or a problem with the relationship.
For instance, if you are married to a philandering man, you cannot hope to change his predatory ways and you cannot turn around and blame yourself when he eventually cheats on you. On the other hand, the husband who sleeps with a colleague might be searching for something that is lacking in the relationship.
Why did my husband cheat on me?
There is never a good reason for your husband cheating on you. However, if you are currently trying to piece together your marriage, knowing the reason for the infidelity might help you to not only get to the root of the issue but also move forward.
Unmet emotional needs
Cheating is not always about a physical upgrade. Sometimes it is more about unmet emotional needs. In my research I read a forum where a woman was in shock after she discovered that the woman whom her husband had slept with was in her opinion ‘ugly.’
And it got me wondering why guys sleep with their housekeepers and even assistants, who are sometimes much less attractive and less elegant than the wives. Gary Neuman interviewed 200 men about their infidelity.
88% of the men indicated that their affair partner was not physically more attractive than their wives. 94% of the men said that they did not have sex the first night they met the affair partner while 40% revealed that they met their affair partner through paperwork.
In other words, men didn’t have an affair with a woman necessarily because she was younger, prettier or sexier than their wife. They cheated with women they had a sort of connection with.
What emotional needs?
The myth has been propagated for a long time that men are not emotional beings: that their first and foremost need is sex. But according to Dr. Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, man's greatest need is admiration, respect, and praise. However, men will not ask for it because they fear that their wives will think they are weak or pathetic.
Unfortunately, many women, instead of praising their men, they tease them about their weaknesses and ridicule them. This is the most convenient way to send your husband straight into the admiring arms of another woman.
The other woman makes him feel good
Your husband wants you to make him feel good: both physically and emotionally.
- A man wants to be with someone
- He can let his guard down with
- Who makes it safe for him to be himself
- Who allows him to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable without judgment.
Your husband also wants to feel needed and desired. He doesn’t want to feel pressured to act strong all the time.
He needs more (or better sex) but doesn’t want to leave you.
Your husband has asked for more frequent or more adventurous sex, and you have consistently turned him down. Now it has reached a point where he believes that you do not want to have sex with him, yet he still wants to be with you.
Sex matters to your husband
For your man, sex matters as much as affection and security matter to you. It is central to how he connects with you, and it’s how he feels loved by you. He translates your lack of enthusiasm for sex as contempt for his sexual desire, and it crushes him. Your rejection of him makes him feel embarrassed and hurt.
Now, since he loves you, should he stay with you and miss out on one of his primary needs; leave you despite loving you and face the consequences of splitting up his family; or stay with you and have an affair?
He is worried about his sexual performance
Research by The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University revealed that men who have sexual performance problems have a higher likelihood of being unfaithful. The possible explanation for this that a man will feel less nervous and less inhibited when he is with someone who is not his partner. He is also less concerned about his performance when he is with a stranger. This helps the man to lower the pressure of performance.
Another possible reason is that the man is trying to help himself overcome his sexual issues in an environment that is free from embarrassment and ridicule; which is what they are likely to feel when they underperform with their partner.
He is immature
One of the main reasons why men cheat is because they are immature. An immature man is also heavily impulsive. He will give in to his basic temptations and desires without caring about the repercussions of his actions. An immature guy also lacks empathy and sense of responsibility that would keep him from cheating on his wife. He thinks in terms of ‘me’ instead of ‘we’ and rationalizes that as long as the wife doesn’t find out, he is not hurting anyone.
He is insecure
When a man is insecure, he may feel unworthy of being with his wife and continually worries about maintaining his wife’s interest level. He will constantly need the wife’s approval and reassurance. An insecure man is typically very needy, and he requires continuous validation.
The results of a research that was published in the Journal of Family Psychology revealed that a man who is insecure is more likely to cheat. This is because he ends up looking for reassurance and affirmation from other women. This man is so worried about losing his wife that it can actually drive him to cheat. If he feels that he is too old, too young, too thin, too fat, too weak, too …..; for his wife to continue desiring him, he will sabotage his marriage as he seeks to reassure and reaffirm his worth and desirability.
Some men get married thinking that their life will be fantastic. They probably expected that the wife would meet all their whims and desires without fail. In their unrealistic mind, they forget that the wife will be juggling multiple responsibilities. When the wife inevitably ‘fails’ them, they start looking for attention elsewhere.
It’s an exit strategy
Sometimes, a man who is unhappy in his marriage will try out a new relationship. The theory is because he is not 100 percent sure whether he should terminate the marriage or not.
Maybe he is tired of being criticized and being unhappy, but there still some good times in the relationship. He also doesn’t like being alone, and he wants to find a softer landing should the relationship end. The man could also be a coward. He wants to break up, but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He hopes that the wife will find out about the affair and do the dirty job of breaking up with him.
So you may have found why… but what now?
When your husband cheats, you might be thinking what have done to drive him into the arms of another woman.
But now you know the reasons men cheat, why do you think he did it?
Unfortunately, some reasons for cheating cannot be ‘fixed’. But if you don’t know already, you need to find out if he is genuinely remorseful
After you have reviewed the reasons why your husband cheated, you're now in a better position to decide what to do. If you have any stake at all in his cheating and he is genuinely remorseful, then you can embark on rebuilding your marriage.