“My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage… What Do I Do?”

husband is giving up on our marriage - wife tossing up whether to wear wedding ring

My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage - wife tossing up whether to wear wedding ring

IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE to save your marriage when your husband has clearly indicated that he wants out?

Should you give up and accept that your marriage is over?

The answer is that it is never too late to save your marriage.

You might simply be at the turning point in your marriage. You might have hit rock bottom.

Sometimes, it is not until things couldn’t get any worse that they start to get better.

Why do spouses give up on marriage?

Reason #1

After some time in the marriage, a spouse may become disillusioned.

They may feel that many of their expectations have been unmet and they start mourning their pre-marriage life.

If this is the case, then he thinks that leaving the relationship feels like the key to finding happiness once again. As a result, he will be unwilling to engage in any conversation about staying married.

Because he thinks that being married is what is making him unhappy.

Reason #2

Some spouses feel that they have lost the love they once had and the only solution is to bail out.

The truth is…

However, experts indicate that every healthy relationship goes through various stages.

ALL relationships will lose the original passion at some stage.  As life creeps in, responsibilities and the pressures of security get in the way of the both of you. He might feel that the intimacy and sex have suffered as a result.

My Husband is Giving Up On Our Marriage - wife at counselling trying while husband has given up

Why you shouldn’t give up on your marriage even when your spouse has bailed out

You can go it alone and save your marriage.

Many wives think that they need their husbands to work with them to fix their marriage. The reality is that you can single-handedly change the momentum of your relationship.

Your determination may be just what will motivate your obstinate husband to join in the process of saving your marriage.

1. It is the right thing to do

You owe it to yourself to give saving your marriage your best shot.

You always have the option to call it quits, but once you give up, that’s it. There are no more chances.

If you did ever end your marriage, you don’t want to have the slightest doubt about what might have happened if you had tried harder. If you have to end it, you want to know without any shred of doubt that you did everything you could to save your marriage.

2. You are not alone

Another reason why you should not give up on your marriage is that according to research, more than 32 million individuals are struggling in their marriages this very minute.

Many times, it might feel as if all other marriages are flourishing and only yours is ailing. Many other people are facing extreme challenges in their marriages, and they are working day and night to make it work.

And do you know what, some of these people will find a way out. If you hang in there, you could be among the people who save their marriages from the verge of breakup.

3. It IS NOT wasted effort

Working on your broken marriage is a good investment for the rest of your life, whether your marriage succeeds or not.

It is a fantastic pay off if you turn your marriage around, but even if you don’t, it will not be wasted effort. Indeed it will be the most important thing you will have done for yourself and your next relationship.

If you do not get complete closure in your marriage, relationships are going to be a revolving door for you. Soon, you will find yourself in the same situation you are with your husband with someone else.

Work on your marriage with every intention of restoring it, but, even if you don’t succeed, the effort will not have been in vain.

4 Tips on how to save your marriage when you are the only one trying

1. Agree with your husband

Your husband wants to walk away because this marriage makes him miserable. Do not try to convince him to stay.

Instead,

Agree with him: that you also no longer want the marriage you have had, mainly because he is unhappy and you would never want that for him. Agree that this marriage should be over.

Then,

Let your husband know you want to consider a new relationship with him.

This will allow you to get on the same page with your husband. It will no longer be you vs. him. He will feel like you have listened to him, and you understand how he feels.

This in itself will go some way to rekindling the connection with you. You might even ignite a marriage saving conversation.

The worst mistake you can make right now is to cling and beg your husband to stay

All the emotions you are feeling right now are powerful and authentic. But they serve no purpose in helping you save your marriage.

Pleading, clinging and begging will only drive your husband away faster.

Also, when you fall apart, you will be very unattractive to your husband.

When he sees that the situation he is putting you in is making you upset/angry/unhappy he will want to put an end to it. And the fast way for him to do that is to leave himself.

2. Get to work on yourself

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, work on yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.

Whatever your age, make yourself as physically attractive to your husband as you can. He was physically attracted to you once: he can be attracted to you again.

You cannot go back to looking like the age you did when you met your husband, but you can be the best that you can be at your age.

Your husband doesn't want a supermodel. He just wants you to try your best for him. It shows him that you still care.

Also, stimulate your mind by learning new things: join a book club, take a class, read magazines that expand your mind, take a new hobby.

When you get an opportunity to talk with your husband, engage him in something interesting and fun rather than talking about your marital issues.

Talking about the problems in your relationship at this point will only lead to arguments and make things much worse.

3. Be as understanding and accepting of your husband as you can be

You don’t have to accept your husband’s decision, but you can accept his feelings. Do not question or judge his feelings.

When he feels that you understand him, he will be assured that you truly love him. Listen to your husband, show empathy, and you will pique his interest once again.

4. Be willing to forgive

You are frustrated and probably resent your husband. You feel he has rejected you by checking out of your marriage.

However, you cannot hope to rebuild a healthy relationship with him if you hold anger and bitterness towards him. You must accept that he is probably doing the best that he can with the skills that he has. He isn’t out to hurt you.

The process of saving your marriage will only work if you love your husband enough to forgive him. Forgiving your husband will empower you to do whatever it takes to change the course of his intentions.

Where to go from here…?

In the face of a marital crisis, someone has to be the brave one, and that person is you.

Saving your marriage is a noble task. Give it your all and do not lose hope. Your marriage can not only survive this disruption, but you can also use this crisis as a springboard towards real transformation.

Many marriages have risen from the verge of divorce to thrive once again. This can be your testimony if you handle this setback the right way.

 

Thanks for reading this guide on ‘My husband is giving up on our marriage'. I hope it has answered some questions for you. For more information, join the Manage Your Man mailing list.

The 10 Best Books About Love And Relationships to Help You Understand Your Man

books about love and relationships - Woman reading with man in library

books about love and relationships - Woman reading with man in library

IT'S FUNNY HOW AS MEN we expect our partners to know…

    • What we're thinking
    • How we're feeling
      and
    • What our expectations are

But for some reason… we don't tell our partners

Here to reveal what actually makes us tick are the 10 insightful books below

They'll to turn you from ‘Nun-level-man-knowledge' into a ‘Man-psychic'

Although when you get there, I wouldn't start explaining to your husband what he's going to do next…

Enjoy

1. His Secret Obsession – James Bauer

Discover his single most important drive in life

His Secret Obsession - Digital copies only available

What is the missing ingredient in your marriage? Do you suffer from a lack of communication, romance, or sex?

While all of these issues are very important, James Bauer's breakthrough book, ‘His Secret Obsession‘ reveals the one amazing factor that WILL make a MAJOR difference in your relationship.

If you are tired of your man being cold and standoffish, then this is the one book you need to read! Learn:

  • What men secretly want but will never tell you
  • How to enjoy a deeper more loving relationship
  • How you can get his attention the right way by using some simple conversation starters

Read my in-depth review here or go straight to the website

2. Text the Romance Back – Michael Fiore

How to really capture his attention…

Text the Romance Back - Michael Fiore

Does it seem like you and your significant other have watched the romance in your relationship slowly slip away?

Michael Fiore will show you how to put modern technology to work for you. He explains how texting lends itself to recreating that connected feeling and how you can Text the Romance” back into your relationship.

Discover:

  • Why the way couples communicate makes it the main reason so many marriages fall apart
  • The 8 different types of text messages that he has no choice but to listen to
  • Done-for-you messages that you can send within 5 minutes of receiving your copy of ‘Text the Romance Back

Read a more in-depth review here or get your copy here

3. Devotion System – Amy North

Get your man to recommit….

The Devotion System - Amy North

There's nothing more demoralizing than being in a relationship in which your partner decides he isn't sure what he wants

If you are tired of feeling like your man is waiting to see what the wind might blow in then “The Devotion System” is just what you need

Learn;

  • Why men pull away
  • How to put texting to work to draw him in
  • How to get your man to dream about spending the rest of his life with you

This book is easy to follow and comes with several bonuses. Grab your copy here and rediscover how to keep him devoted to you

There's also a detailed review here.

4. For Women Only- Shaunti Feldhahn

A Christian guide to understanding men

Most men keep their feelings close to their chest. And while he might not want to talk about them, he still wants you to “get” him

In “For Women Only“, best-selling author Shaunti Feldhahn explains men from a Christian viewpoint in a way that's easy to follow and simple to understand.

This book is filled with practical ideas that have helped millions around the world make successful changes to their relationship. Including;

• Why your respect means more to him than your love
• How he feels deep inside about his role as provider
• What it means for a man to be so visually “wired”
• Why sex for him is primarily emotional, not physical
• What he most wishes he could say to you

What are you waiting for? Get your copy and read other reviews here

5. The Male Brain – Louann Brezindine

A scientific look at the male brain

Ever wondered why boys can't sit still and why their interest in the physical side of sex is so strong?

In this breakthrough follow-up to her best-selling book “The Female Brain,” author Louann Brezindine uses easy to understand anecdotes to decode the male mind.

In doing so, she turns scientific gobbledygook into an enjoyable read. Learn:

  • How hormones affect men as they reach puberty
  • The cutting-edge research that overturns everything you thought you knew about the male brain
  • The typical male stereotypes that don't exist anymore

This book is a bit broader than the others, so if you're into a more holistic approach to the subject of men get your copy here

6. What We Guys Really Want, Really – Bryan Bruce

How to make him happy…

In his ‘ultimate guide to the male psychology and sexual behavior', Bryan Bruce delves the reader deep into the male psyche

And the outcome is that it's not as complex as many women think it is. In fact in this book you will learn:

  • The truth behind why men cheat
  • Why they are afraid of committing
  • How men reveal their real selves just by their actions

Based on scientific research, useful and loaded with good advice this book is definitely a primer for those who want to keep their man

The only caveat is that it does make men look a little simple in places. But if you want to keep it simple, then he will thank you for reading this (in his own way that you'll only understand by reading this).

Get your copy here.

7. Texts So Good He Can't Ignore – Bruce Bryans

Texts so good he'll be begging to see you….

Everyone says texting has no feeling, yet in “Texts So Good He Can't Ignore You,” Bruce Bryans teaches you how to use a mans emotions to capture his attention.

He shows you how to make your texts to men stand out from those ones you usually send about picking up some more milk. Learn:

  • How men appraise the texts sent by a woman
  • How to flirt and tease your way to becoming his number one priority
  • Sample texts you can copy and send to get instant results

Bruce will show you how your texts can make him pursue you again like he used to.

When you're ready to make the most out of every text, then your copy for ‘Texts So Good He Can't Ignore' is here

8. The 7 Irresistible Qualities Men Want in A Woman – Bruce Bryans

Learn what it takes to get a man to commit

In his concise book, Bruce Bryans talks about what a “high-quality” man wants in his mate.

To do this, Bruce shows you how to understand what your man is interested. He also covers plenty of other topics including:

  • Learn what it takes to get a man to commit
  • How to keep your man happy
  • What real men find attractive

This book is more opinion than fact and is written primarily for single women, but has enough advice for relationships to be relevant here.

Want to know what the 7 qualities are? Find out here.

9. He Comes Next – Ian Kenner PhD

The thinking woman's guide to pleasuring a man….

In this follow up to his smash hit bestseller “She Comes First,” author Ian Kenner discusses what it takes to turn a man on and keep him turned on

Included is how to get your man to relax and enjoy a full range of stimulation rather than focusing on his erection (or lack thereof) and orgasm (or lack thereof)

Ian goes step-by-step with clear, concise details for every technique he discusses in the book with the goal of teaching you how to give your man the ultimate in sexual pleasure. He also covers:

  • What he wants to tell you about pleasing him, but can't
  • The inside of a man's mind when he is aroused
  • How love and sex are interconnected for men

This book has had some mixed reviews, but overall the information is good. Get your copy and start pleasing him how he wants to be pleased here.

10. Secret Survey – Michael Fiore

The ultimate guide to understanding men….

Secret Survey - Michael Fiore

Secret Survey by Michael Fiore is the perfect program for any woman who has ever felt lost, confused, even overwhelmed when trying to deal with men

It is a step-by-step, full-length guide to relationships and what you should be doing to make a long-term relationship work

Written for women, this guide is designed to help you better understand the male psyche and to put this knowledge to work for you. Included is:

  • Why you've been lied to by every man you've ever met and what they've lied about
  • What your husband actually thinks about you
  • How to interpret ‘men speak' and the real reason why men are so difficult to understand

Very easy to follow and understand this book covers a lot of questions about the man and men in your life. Get your copy here.

In Summary

Thanks for reading my best books about love and relationships recommendations. They are worth reading and I do keep this list updated. If you have anything to add, you can contact me here.

“Does Marriage Counseling Work For Marriages Like Mine?”

Does Marriage Counseling Work for Marriages Like Mine - Marriage Counselor

Does Marriage Counseling Work for Marriages Like Mine - Marriage Counselor

MARRIAGE COUNSELORS AREN'T SUPERHEROES…

They have a very specific set of talents or specialities, and unlike superheroes, they cannot make anyone do anything

Even if it's good for them

So when you walk into their office in order for them to fix your marriage… they may not be able to help you

When you should see a marriage counselor

Marriage counseling aims to help to identify the problems, resolve the conflicts and heal their partnership

When you participate, the counselor or therapist is doing their best to empower you to make thoughtful decisions about mending and strengthening your relationship

At the same time helping you achieve a deeper understanding of each other and encouraging a more fulfilling marriage

Some of the signs that your marriage needs relationship counseling include:

  • You hardly speak to each other
    • Poor communication is a significant setback in marriage. If you cannot freely share your thoughts, ideas, and experiences with your spouse, this is a prominent sign for the need of couples counseling
  • You feel intimidated by your spouse
    • If you are scared of speaking with your spouse or you are hesitant to bring up some issues, it means that your marriage is troubled. Counseling will help you to develop the confidence to speak freely with your spouse
  • You keep secrets from each other
    • Even though each partner has the right to privacy, there needs to be transparency in your marriage for it to thrive
  • You restrict love and affection to punish each other
    • If one of you gets angry and stops loving, caring and talking to the other partner to punish them, this shows that your relationship is already strained.
  • One or both of you are financially unfaithful
    • If you and your spouse are withholding vital information about your finances: loans, expenses, savings, you will eventually destroy your marriage. Financial dishonesty shows that something is missing in the relationship which counseling can help
  • Your marriage lacks intimacy
    • When you are no longer intimate with your partner, it signals that something is wrong. This may point that you need a qualified person to help sort out what is missing in your relationship.
  • An affair has infiltrated your marriage
    • Recovering from an affair is not impossible, but it calls for a lot of work. With commitment and willingness, a counselor can help you salvage your marriage.
  • When you do not know how to solve your differences
    • If your discussions are always laced with a negative tone, and they always end up in fights, this is the perfect time to get a third party involved.

If you are stuck in marital discord, be honest and acknowledge that you need help.

When seeing a Marriage Counselor may not help

Marriage counseling isn't for everyone or every situation. Here are some reasons to try something else instead

  • When your husband doesn't want to talk about your marriage
  • If money is tight
    • Counseling can be expensive and it can add to the stress in your marriage
  • The counselor doesn't seem to help
    • Not all counselors are equal. Some aren't the right fit for your marriage. The good news here is that there are usually a few around and you can try someone else instead
  • If you don't believe counseling works
    • Counseling does help marriages. But if you don't think it will work from the start, then it will only be something to blame, it could actually make things worse. You will need to deal with this first, or use books instead.

Why you should seek counseling

All couples desire to have a healthy, fulfilling family life, but at times this goal can be challenging to achieve. Once in a while, you and your spouse may need to seek marriage counseling so that you can begin living the life you have always dreamed of.

If you feel that your relationship is not going in the intended direction, it is important that you take a step back and talk to someone that can help you work through the challenges.

Counseling has been proven to have immense benefits:

  • The couple gets impartial advice.
    • Having dealt with a wide range of marital issues, the counselor can offer practical tips on how to work on the various problem areas of a marriage
  • Counseling provides a safe environment for honesty.
    • When there is marital discord, the homes become the battleground for marriage. At that point, honesty can inflict pain and anger if it is not delivered in the appropriate setting. Counseling offers a safe environment free from judgment.
  • Counseling provides an opportunity to unburden resentment and frustration
    • These are some of the toxic emotions that poison every aspect of your relationship. A good therapist helps couples to pour out their anger so that they can solve their issues effectively.
  • Counseling helps couples to explore their problems from a new perspective and learn practical ways to resolve conflicts.
  • Therapy assists couples with the tools to build trust and improve communication in their relationship.

Seeking professional intervention for your marriage is prudent. Confronting the issues in your marriage now will save it from destruction in the future.

Research indicates that a couple who splits up will be financially worse off, and their children are more likely to have academic and behavioral problems in the future.

When to go for therapy  

When it comes to seeking marriage therapy, timing is everything. Many couples wait until the problems in the marriages have become too severe before they can seek for help.

Consider this:

Your precious vase can quickly be fixed with a little bonding material when the crack is two inches. The bonding material can be discretely applied on the inside, and it may not even be visible from the outside. But, what happens when you wait until your vase has 12 cracks running in all directions?

Many times, therapy fails because couples go to therapy when things are so bad; they have one foot and several toes out of the door. Indeed, some couples only go to therapy to confirm that they have done all they can to fix their marriage. They only want to justify the decision to leave their marriage.

According to Dr. John Gottman, couples wait for an average of six years of being miserable in their marriage before they seek help. He concludes that therapy could help to save more marriages if couples sought therapy before their relationships were in critical condition.

Sometimes the issues in a marriage could be too ingrained for the therapy to be effective. Timing is an essential element that will determine whether counseling will work or not.

To optimize the outcome of therapy

To get the most out of marriage counseling you and your spouse need to have the right attitude and goals. You should set specific goals to help you individually contribute to the success of the therapy.

Also:

Be open about your emotions

The most common source of marital discord is when spouses do not disclose how their partner’s actions make them feel. Couples need to understand that a huge part of the process is to talk openly about their emotions, which will be both difficult and uncomfortable

Find the right counselor

Research shows that in the hands of a good counselor, marriage therapy is effective 70 – 80% of the time. Ensure your counselor has the right credentials. All therapists must be licensed to practice therapy. This will vary from country to country.

However, experts recommend working with someone who specializes in marriage counseling- at least 30% of their practice should be on marriage therapy. They have seen and heard it all, and they will roll up their sleeves and help you.

The cost of marriage counseling

The cost of marital counseling will depend on the professional you decide to work with. Refer to the table below to find out how much your preferred professional is likely to cost you:

Mental Health Professional Background Cost Per Session
Licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) Holds at least a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy $65 – $250
Licensed professional counselor / nationally certified counselor (LPC / NIC) Holds at least a Master’s Degree in Counseling Psychology or Social Work $5 – $300
Psychologist (PsyP) Holds a doctorate degree in psychology $75 – $156 per session, sometimes $200

In Summary…

It seems as if people are generally living in unsatisfying marriages. This doesn’t have to happen to yours.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be unfulfilling, mediocre or common. However, it takes a great deal of commitment and determination from both you and your spouse to maintain a rewarding relationship.

If you feel that you are struggling to maintain the connection you once had with your spouse, do not hesitate to seek marriage therapy.

A good therapist will assist you to compromise, appreciate one another and rediscover the compassion and empathy that the two of you share.  

And if you don't think marriage therapy is a good fit, then try reading what experts have to say, so you can apply that to your marriage

How to Get Passion Back in Your Marriage & Reignite the Fire

how to fix a broken marriage - man and woman going out again getting ready for a date

how to get the passion back in a relationship - man and woman going out again getting ready for a date

MORE MARRIAGES DIE FROM neglect than anything else.

It is simply a matter of life getting in the way. The neglect soon grows into antipathy and animosity. Soon, the relationship opens up the potential for affairs and other marriage crises.

When people rate their life priorities, many people rank their marital relationship in the top three. Yet, couples spend only a few minutes every day discussing issues that do not concern schedules and children.

Do you see the irony here?

The marriage slowly starves to death

Through the course of the marriage, a lot happens. You get busy with the details of your lives that you forget why you got together in the first place.

Things that did not exist when you first got together become priorities: children, careers, hobbies, building empires. The ‘we’ gets lost. There is so much to do that it becomes challenging to pay attention to your spouse.

Then before long, you catch yourself saying things like:

  • You never compliment me on what I am wearing”
  • “When was the last time you paid attention to me? You always focus all your attention on your work/the kids/something else”
  • “You never make love to me anymore”
  • “How can we have sex when you are always tired?”

Marriages die slowly under the rising wave of indifference. Eventually, partners fall out of love with each other, and the marriage is broken.

Marriages do not die with a bang. They quietly tiptoe away and are gone before you know they have left. – Psychology Today

When the passion is gone

Ask yourself what feels broken about your marriage. Admitting that your marriage is in trouble is the first step towards healing your marriage. Some of the telltale signs of a struggling marriage include:

  • You are constantly criticizing each other
  • There is a lack of affection in the relationship
  • The two of you are arguing all the time
  • The two of you have withdrawn and built impenetrable walls between you
  • Mutual respect between and your spouse is waning
  • You no longer do things together
  • There is a reduced comfort zone: You can no longer open up to each other or be yourselves for fear of being hurt
  • You do not feel as close as you used to be
  • You feel frustrated with each other

Answered yes to many of the above points? Read on…

What next?

When a marriage is in trouble, there are only two choices: You can either commit to save the marriage or call it quits.

Deciding not to do anything is the same as calling it quits. It will only be a matter of time before your marriage erodes when not given the time and effort it requires.

While there are definitely times when separation and divorce are okay, they are no picnic and are definitely not ‘the easy way out’.

For starters, you will never escape the knowledge that you failed in your marriage. Think of all the disrupted lives and the expenses. What about the children if you have them? Many couples will say it is better for the children not to witness all the fighting. But do you know what is even better? Not fighting anymore.

How to get the passion back in your marriage

Fixing your broken marriage is not easy, but it is worth every try. And yes it is possible.

If you focus on restoring the connection and putting the past in the past, your marriage can be healthy again. The key here is not trying to fix every little thing that you think is wrong with the marriage, but committing on building a new relationship.

how to get the passion back in your marriage - man and woman having a serious conversation

Reflect on what has damaged your marriage.

This may seem like an obvious step, but it is crucial to mending your relationship. It is going to be painful but this time for honesty is a must if the marriage is to heal.

Here are some questions to help initiate thought or conversation around the potential issues in your marriage:

  • Has there been an absence of affection and passion in your marriage?
  • Have you been having constant arguments because of money?
  • Does either party feel that they are not getting due respect in the relationship?
  • Do either of you feel that your individual needs are not being taken care of?
  • Has either of you developed habits which have become destructive to your marriage?

Make a list of all the issues that are problematic in your relationship. Include those that you do not talk about for fear that they might lead to further conflict.

Being honest about the problems in your marriage goes a long way towards fixing it.

Acknowledge your part in the problem

Having identified the problem areas, you now have the opportunity to identify the things you are doing that have contributed to the situation.

Many times, one partner may look at the problem as the other partner’s to fix. After all, everyone wants to believe that they are the model spouse.

You say:

I clean up after him, and he is never grateful. It is his fault your marriage is falling apart.

He says:

I work hard and provide all the finances, and she is never grateful. It is her fault the marriage is coming undone.

The truth of the matter is that all of your motives are not always as pure as you would want your spouse to think. Also, it doesn't really matter who is right and wrong.

You can either be right or you can be happily married. Not both. – Anonymous

Each partner has plenty of room for improvement. Ask yourself:

  • Are my expectations always realistic?
  • Are there things I am doing or failing to do that are hurting my marriage?
  • Do I give my husband the benefit of the doubt?
  • Do I always respond to my wife with love and grace?
  • Am I truly on my husband's side?

You cannot fix a broken marriage unless you are willing to take responsibility for ALL OF IT. No matter what kind of a spouse you have, you are always responsible for your responses.

Quit the blame game. At this point, it does not matter who was right or wrong. And no single person wins. You all win or lose. – Jane Kamiri

Improve your communication

An essential component of fixing your marriage is communication. Your spouse could never read your mind. You, therefore, have to articulate your needs clearly.

At the same time, ensure your communication is honest and respectful. Do not speak in anger and do not be sarcastic. This will only invoke an angry reaction from your spouse, and you will soon be arguing.

  • Be patient with each other and talk to each other, not at each other.
  • Express your concerns constructively.
  • Keep the tone friendly and omit any judgment, criticism, and irritation.
  • Focus on solutions rather than dwelling on what went wrong.
  • Improve your listening skills.

You might find it easier to start writing a letter or a text message to help take some of the emotion out initially.

Find forgiveness

When the problems have been clearly articulated, it is time to apologize, forgive and move on. Look for ways to find forgiveness both for yourself and your partner so that you can move forward.

Commit to connecting again

Make rebuilding your marriage a priority: value your time together. No matter how busy your schedules are, always find time to spend together.

  • You can spend a few minutes every night chatting
  • Go out on dates if you can
  • Always find ways of aligning together through the good and bad times
  • Restore your intimacy
    • Sexual intimacy is crucial for the growth of your marriage. Even when you are not up to it, make an effort to be open to intimate moments as often as possible.

Also,

  • Stop asking yourself the wrong questions. Asking yourself ‘Did I marry the wrong person?’ is the wrong question. Instead, ask yourself, ‘How can I love correctly the person I married?’
  • Don’t talk to friends and family about your situation. Exposing your marriage makes it more vulnerable.
  • Even if your spouse is not on board, commit to doing it alone. Your effort can change the momentum of your marriage. Your effort will also motivate the obstinate spouse to make efforts to save the marriage.

Finally,

Be the change you want to see. Speak in the vocabulary of your actions. Your problems will be resolved more by new choices than many discussions.

If your concerned about your marriage and want more help I encourage you to watch this short video. It is put together by a marriage expert that has many years of experience helping couples reunite.

If you want help to work together for your marriage, then I recommend that you put everything aside for the next few minutes and watch the video.

Best of luck in your situation.

“Husband Angry All The Time?” How His Pent-up Anger Effects Your Marriage

Angry husband with wife

Husband angry all the time and sitting with wife

LIVING WITH AN ANGRY HUSBAND IS LIKE living at the base of an active volcano.

You are always alert, anticipating the next eruption. You stay in a constant state of hyper-vigilance; always looking for ways to cover for him.

And you spend all your energy keeping his anger from swamping the entire family.

Understanding Anger

Anger is just a form of emotional energy. It is not yelling and screaming. And it is not violence. Anger can be both constructive and destructive.

However, since many people have seen more of unhealthy expressions of anger, they only associate anger with negative things.

Anybody can become angry; that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way: that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy. – Aristotle

Healthy versus unhealthy anger in the marriage

Anger the emotion is not bad by itself. It is the choices that one makes in expressing the anger that makes the difference in the health of a marriage.

A spouse who expresses his anger healthily is able to talk about his feelings in a calm manner. Also, he does not try to manipulate the partner’s behavior.

Instead, he expresses himself, makes a request and is willing to accept the answer. When he realizes that his anger is escalating, he takes time out since he recognizes that he will not be logical and rational anymore. He can then revisit the topic at a later time once he has calmed down.

Unhealthy anger, on the other hand, is constant. The person seems ready to snap over little things, is always irritated by the spouse and those around him and he argues for the sake of arguing.

This anger also seeks to control the spouse and is often used as a weapon. It can also be used to punish the partner through things like silent treatment, withholding sex and sabotaging the partner’s efforts.

At the extreme, unhealthy anger is abusive. The abuse can either be verbal: calling names, intimidation, and threats; restricting the partner’s interactions; financial or even physical abuse.

Fact: While other emotions are healed in the presence of love, anger is blind and usually cannot see or receive the care that is being offered.

Anger and the sexless marriage

One cause for lack of intimacy in marriage is anger. If your husband expresses his anger disrespectfully, this will build resentment in you.

Over time, this resentment may evolve to dislike and even hatred for him. And how can you possibly be intimate with someone whom you do not like?

Another way an angry husband expresses himself is through constant criticism of his wife.

Criticism in a marriage is like water dripping on a rock. Slowly, the rock will be eroded. If you are regularly made to feel like you cannot do anything right, that you do not measure up to certain expectations, this will affect the quality of your intimacy.

At some point, you will become resentful and even angry even if you may not admit it. With time, you will find it completely difficult to be intimate with your husband. Sex will either be a chore or the most unpleasant thing that you have to endure in the relationship.

Your husband’s anger will drive you to depression.

A study by the University of Missouri has revealed that angry husbands can cause depression in their wives. In the study, researchers observed video clips of 416 married couples interacting at home.

The study found that husbands’ treatment of their wives dramatically influences their psychological wellness. Criticism and hostility have a lasting effect on the wives' wellbeing. It was further found that the effects of husbands’ anger on the wives continue throughout the marriages.

Anger begets anger: your marriage will produce angry children

Experts say that children learn how to form relationships from their parents through observation and social learning.

Your children will watch you and either learn the skills of problem-solving and conflict resolution; which lead to healthy relationships or distress, anxiety, and aggression; which lead to unhealthy relationships.

Experts indicate that anger is contagious. Unhealthy anger in all forms of its expression: violence and aggression is a learned behavior. This is the reason why children who are brought up in families with violence are more likely to be more aggressive to their own romantic partners.

Children learn to identify with the aggressor since they discover that the parent (in this case the dad) who yells the loudest gets his way. Anger, aggression, and hostility become a way of life.

Evidence also indicates that if children are exposed to prolonged anger and aggression, they may experience brain and hormonal changes due to fear.

They freeze in response to loud voices and anger. Later in life, the effects show up in the form of promiscuity, alcohol and drug abuse, codependency and eating disorders.

Don’t worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you. – Robert Fulghum

You will have an unhappy marriage

You were probably bewildered the first time you witnessed your husband’s angry outburst. But with subsequent eruptions, you have realized that your husband does not respect you.

Eventually, you will be put off by his immature and unreasonable behavior, and you will not have the patience to give him any attention. Your relationship will deteriorate.

Also, how can you be happy with someone you are scared of?

How can you:

  • Love him when you resent the way he treats you?
  • Laugh with yelling and angry shouting going on?
  • Want to spend any time that you do not have to spend with someone you resent?

Your marriage will not survive on the thin ice of lost love forever. It will eventually crumble under the pressure of anger.

Final thoughts

Anger coping mechanisms are entrenched in an individual, and they cannot change unless your husband makes a strong commitment to handle his anger more healthily. Your husband needs a structured program of anger management to learn how to break this destructive behavior.

Do not even for a minute think that you can change your husband’s anger patterns overnight. After all, he has had many years to practice before meeting you.

Ultimately, remember that you get what you put up with, not what you deserve. If you excuse, forgive and allow your husband’s repeated outbursts, why on earth should you expect him to change?

What you can  do

Make your husband ineffective in getting what he wants through anger. He has to learn that shouting, threatening and withdrawing will not get him what he wants.

If you give in to his anger, you will never get him to give up using anger as a manipulating tool. Be firm in your refusal; do not have any discussion about it.

Refusing to argue helps to put the issue to rest quickly so that you can both move on to other things. The next time you see him, be friendly and pretend like nothing ever happened. He will know how to treat you better, anger issues or not.

Thanks for reading this article on the effects on your marriage of when your husband angry all the time. You can contact me here if you have a question or query.

EXPERT ADVICE – “I Cheated On My Husband and I Want Him Back”

I cheated on my husband and now i want him back - woman pleading with husband

I cheated on My Husband and I Want Him Back - woman pleading with husband

IS IT AFFAIRS THAT BREAK UP MARRIAGES?

The question sounds ludicrous but it isn’t as straightforward as it seems.

And the answer is somewhat good news for those in relationships which have experienced infidelity.

Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, says that it is not affairs that break marriages up: it is the unfaithful spouse’s inability, to be honest about what happened and leave the affair behind them.

According to Madden, couples divorce after affairs, not because of the infidelity itself, but because the betrayed spouse simply gives up trying when the cheating spouse continues to be shady, selfish and untrustworthy.

Another encouraging fact is that the majority of couples stay together after infidelity. Psychology Today

Your marriage does not have to end because you had an affair. Even though the affair will cause your husband much heartache and anger, your marriage can survive. However, it is not going to be a walk in the park. Brace yourself for difficult work ahead of you to reclaim your husband and your marriage.

Healing your marriage will take dedication and perseverance, but the good news is that it can be done.

Take full responsibility for the affair

When you have betrayed your husband, you must acknowledge that you have inflicted anxiety, pain, and insecurity in him. You cannot expect your marriage to move forward if you do not take responsibility for your actions.

  • Your husband may have contributed to the breakdown of your relationship, but he did not force you to have the affair.
  • You may have felt lonely, rejected or neglected in the relationship, but you are the one who had an affair.
  • You may not have meant to hurt your husband, but you did it- deeply. And now his world is turned his world upside down.
  • You are the one who has caused him more pain than he could ever have imagined!

The earlier you can take responsibility, the sooner your marriage can start to heal.

A quick note why it hurts him so much

When you went outside the marriage, he no longer felt needed. All of a sudden, someone else could please you the way only he thought he could. In that way, he thought he was your hero. But now he will feel like a regular guy who doesn’t mean anything special to anyone.

There will also be pride issues, inparticular if the affair is public in some way. He may not be able to come to terms with his identity, (as someone whose wife had an affair) without breaking up the marriage.

There may be specific reasons as to why you cheated in the first place, but remember that infidelity is a choice. There are many other ways you would have approached the issues in your relationship, but you chose to have an affair. Forget about all the excuses; it was no accident.

The famous TV Doctor Dr. Phil thinks along these lines…

The one who cheats is solely responsible for his or her affair. No matter what problems exist in the relationship, and no matter how the betrayed spouse behaves him/she did not make you cheat, you chose that.

There are ways to deal with unhappiness in a marriage, but I assure you, cheating is absolutely not one of them. Cheating is merely a way to avoid dealing with either your personal shortcoming or the marital issues.

Cheating is about ego. It is selfish. Short of holding a gun to your head and forcing you to go outside the marriage, your spouse is not to blame for your affair. Own your stuff fully. – Relationship Rescue Written By Dr. Phil

I cheated on My Husband and I Want Him Back- woman ending affair

Immediately cut all contact with the other guy

This rule is of paramount importance for a reason: you cannot be fully emotionally available to your husband when you are still emotionally attached to the other guy. It will not be easy if you had an established friendship with the other guy, but it is best if you completely stop seeing him. This will help you to resist the temptation to cheat again.

Severing all ties with the other guy will help you emotionally reattach to your husband.

Be completely honest with your husband

After you have cheated, one of the ways to earn your husband’s trust is by being completely honest. Madden indicates that withholding information from the betrayed spouses is completely devastating.

Many betrayed spouses say that what made them give up on their relationship was not the affair. It was the drip, drip, drip of the facts about the affair that slowly leaked over time. (Trickle Truthing).  Just when the spouse was getting used to the facts that had been revealed, start to adjust and trust again -Boom, more information would surface.

Experts indicate that the best remedy is being upfront about everything from the start: how long the affair lasted, what you told the other guy about your marriage, where you went and what you did….. Everything.

Be accountable to your husband

Your husband needs a lot of proof that you are remorseful, serious, reliable and safe to love before he can trust you again. Rebuilding trust means rebuilding your credibility through complete accountability. This means that for a time, you will need to account for your time and actions.

Having to account for your every move may feel invasive, but it is non-negotiable. You might feel like you are being treated like a child; you may feel insulted; but, do you want your privacy or to save your marriage?

  • You may even swear that you have ended the affair, but your swearing means nothing right now.
  • The truth is that the blind, unconditional trust that your husband had in you has been destroyed, and regaining it is going to be a rite of passage.
  • As far as your marriage has gone so far, this is an extreme situation and extreme situations call for drastic measures.

Fact: your husband must catch you being ‘good’ in order to be able to trust you again.

For now, you must give up your passwords, access to your cellphones, email and social media accounts. The good news is that after a period of time of being caught being good, your husband’s need to check on you will diminish.

Are you willing to help your husband trust you again so that you can save your marriage?

Reassure your husband

It is unrealistic to think that your husband will get over the affair and move on immediately. You must reassure him over and over and over again, and as much as he needs it. Express remorse and repeatedly assure your husband that it will never happen again.

You turned his world upside down. Apologizing repeatedly is the least you can do. Your primary responsibility during this process is to show that you clearly understand what your husband has felt and experienced and to prove to him over and over that you truly regret it, and you are willing to earn back his trust, no matter what it takes.

You may think having to apologize repeatedly is hard. Well, think about how hard it is being your husband right now!

Allow your husband to set the pace of recovery: not you!

The process of recovering from infidelity is long and hard. After some time, you will feel that you have done all you can to help your husband heal and all you want is to put the affair behind your marriage and move forward. That is all good, but it is unfair and unrealistic.

Imagine you and your husband are climbing a mountain. You have already reached the summit but your husband is struggling to climb, and he is stuck. You are tired of waiting for him, and you want to get going. Will yelling at him to hurry up make him move any faster? The practical thing to do is to get down there and help him up.

It is the same case in this situation. You cannot dictate the pace at which your husband is going to heal.

Experts indicate that it takes at least two to five years for a marriage to get past an affair and reclaim the state of normalcy.

Do not push your husband and do not get impatient. He will seem happy one day and then avoid you the next. Sometimes he will need space. Sometimes he will cry about what you have done, ask a lot of questions, hurl judgment and even rage at you. Stand strong, stay faithful, keep apologizing and reach out with understanding.

Fact: Sometimes it will feel as if you are moving two steps forward and three steps back. Today you will be hopeful, and then tomorrow it will feel as if all hope is lost. Be patient. Pushing him to get over it before he is ready will only lead to further resentment.

You can survive this

Your marriage can survive the infidelity. Not only can it survive, but it can thrive. The journey will force both of you to do enormous amounts of introspection. You will learn a lot about yourselves and each other and become closer than ever before.

You might also get to resolve old issues that might never have been addressed. Your relationship will be kicked from its complacency, and you will learn what does not work.

You will both learn that your marriage is precious and that it is worth the effort. If you can get through this together, you will end up a stronger couple.

Additional insights:

Learn from this experience

Choose to learn from the experience. The best place to start is to explore the real reason why you cheated. Be honest with yourself and your husband about what was going on in your relationship before you cheated. This might be an incredible opportunity to build a stronger, healthier marriage.

Don’t become a punching bag

You have hurt your husband, and now you have to face the consequences. That being said, there are limits. Your cheating does not give your husband the license to abuse or attack you.

Forgive yourself

Yes, you made a horrible mistake. However, it does not mean you are evil, and you should not dwell on it forever. You are human, and everyone makes mistakes. Eventually, find a way to forgive yourself.

Protect your marriage

It is not enough to lead your marriage towards healing. You must also cushion your relationship against future attacks:

  • Ensure the other guy has no access to you or your marriage.
  • Surround yourself with friends of your marriage; people who will support your choice to save the marriage and not sabotage the process.

Is this the end?

In short, your husband wants you to choose him and your marriage again. And for a while, it has to be the most important thing in your life. As said earlier, he needs to catch you in the act of being a good wife before he will trust you.

If for some reason you can't face or see your husband, here is a guide on writing a letter to him to get him back.

Thanks for reading this guide, and if you were telling yourself that ‘I cheated on my husband and I want him back' I hope it has answered some of your questions.

GetYourHusbandBack