How to Deal with Emotional Affairs

How to Deal with Emotional Affairs - Man on Bed Texting Other Woman

Therapists indicate that while 15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men have confessed to having had sexual affairs, an additional 20 percent of married couples have admitted to having emotional infidelity.

About emotional infidelity

Often, emotional affairs start innocently as friendship. It could be former lovers who reconnect and start updating each other about what has transpired in the intervening years.

They may then go on to compare the partners they ended up with and their shortcomings. They will talk about their marriages, and the marital issues they could be facing.

Other times, people may start out as colleagues or acquaintances. They are spending some time together, and in the course of their busy days, they begin to confide in each other.

The conversations may then become more personal, more intimate. They might, for instance, discuss what is missing in each other’s marriage: which desires have gone unmet, and the hopes that have not been fulfilled.

As conversations evolve and become more and more intimate, the two people feel seen and heard. They create their own virtual relationship that is devoid of the messiness of day to day life.

The relationship eventually becomes a unique and private treat, one that must be kept hidden. And yet, the two people do not feel like they are doing anything wrong. After all, there is no physical contact; and they are not having sex.

Still, an emotional affair is a big deal

According to a renowned marriage therapist, Esther Perel, infidelity contains one or more of these three elements:

  • Sexual tension
  • Emotional involvement
  • Secrecy  

Further, she indicates that affairs hurt more because of the secrets and the violation of trust.

The most damaging factor of emotional infidelity is the deception, the lies and the feelings of betrayal. It hurts knowing that a partner is sharing things with someone else that should be reserved for the special relationship between the two of you.

How to deal with a husband’s emotional infidelity

Dealing with an emotional affair can be really difficult.

He may not see this is a big deal since they view the relationship as harmless. They are guilt free because they are not having sex. The following tips will help you deal with your husband’s emotional affair.

Don’t take it personally

Having discovered your husband’s infidelity, you are probably obsessing about what you could have done differently.

Blaming yourself and saying, “if only you had of:”

  • Listened more to the challenges he is facing at work;
  • Just had more sex
  • Accompanied him to the games
  • Dressed better and put on more makeup …

… Maybe your husband would not have gone out to find someone else.

Of course, emotional affairs do not happen in a void. There is often space created in the relationship for a third person to enter.

But,

Your husband’s affair is not your fault. It was his decision.

Keep distance

When you discover your husband’s infidelity, your emotions will run wild: anger, sadness, and even guilt.

It is therefore essential that you remove yourself from your husband so that you can process the situation. Taking time off will help you find some clarity. Whatever steps you take need to be well thought out.

Decide the next steps

As you process your husband’s betrayal, it is essential that you start thinking of the next steps. This is obviously not something that you have to do right away. Having worked through your feelings, it is time to consider how you want the rest of your life to look like.

Do you:

  • Have the strength to work through what happened?
  • See yourself staying with your husband and being happy again?
  • Think you need to move on?
  • Want to see a counsellor?

Decide if the marriage can be saved

This is the time to take stock of your marriage. How important is this marriage to you? Is it worth saving? Also, assess what other things are important to you.

  • What are you the priorities in your life?
  • What values do you hold most essential in a relationship?
  • Are you capable of forgiving and reconciling with your husband?

Answering these questions will help you decide how to move forward.

If you commit to saving your marriage:

Determine what drove your husband to the emotional affair

There is really no justifiable reason for your husband to have had an emotional affair, but certain weaknesses in your relationship could have made it easy for your husband to start confiding in another woman.

It is, therefore, only prudent that you examine the possible reasons for the affair, especially if you want to save your marriage. Going over the possible reasons for the emotional involvement will inform you which areas of your relationship you need to nurture and strengthen.

Admit your own faults

While it was purely your husband’s decision to deal with his issues by having an emotional affair, it is crucial for you to identify possible things about you that might have allowed this to happen.

Have you probably been too busy lately that you have not been able to spend time with him? Are you judgmental? Are you emotionally distant? You might just identify things that you can do to reduce the chances of infidelity in the future.

Demand total openness

If you are to save your marriage, do not allow your husband to continue his emotional affair no matter how harmless he feels it is. It is essential to ensure that your husband understands that he cannot continue with the affair and still stay married to you.

Assure him that your marriage can be worked out but that it will need equal effort from both of you. Let him know that his time, effort and energy cannot be diverted elsewhere if the marriage is to work.

Make it clear to your husband that he must stop all communication with the other woman. Ask him to make a decision and stick to it, if he wants to save his marriage.

Take care of your self

While you should allow yourself to grieve, do not get too caught up in your despair. It is imperative that you take care of yourself:

  • Keep yourself busy. Investing time in a new project will help you find a healthy balance between acknowledging your pain and taking care of yourself. Enroll in a cooking class or join a new book club: Do not allow your mind to dwell on the betrayal 24/7
  • Ensure you get enough sleep each night. Without enough sleep, you will find dealing with the situation even more difficult. Try melatonin or request your doctor to prescribe something stronger.
  • Get your heart rate up every day. Dance, take a walk or go for aerobics. Getting your heart rate going is an excellent way to deal with the stress. The dopamine that your body will produce will help even out your emotions, and you will feel much better

If you take care of yourself will help you survive the infidelity much more easily.

You will survive

The pain that you feel right now is intense, and it may feel like things will never get better.

But, think back to your life. Do you have things that have previously happened to you that you probably thought were too much for you to handle? But didn’t you survive them? Didn’t you learn something from them? Aren’t you glad that you went through some of them since they probably changed the direction of your life?

This situation is the same. It is just another curveball in the story that is your life. You can survive it. Look to the future and start creating the kind of future you want. The emotional affair does not have to destroy your marriage.

With forgiveness and patience, you can save your marriage. Continue to nurture your marriage with the exclusivity it deserves, and you just might enjoy your marriage like never before.

What Next…?

Thanks for reading this guide on How to Deal with Emotional Affairs. You can get through this and become stronger, it will take some time.

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“Why did my Husband Cheat on Me?”

Why did my husband cheat on me - man and woman in bed not talking

Every woman believes that men cheat,

But,

Every woman believes her husband is different. And that her marriage is different.

The truth is that any marriage can become vulnerable to an affair. Experts indicate that even marriages that seem to be strong can suffer infidelity under certain circumstances. It is further commonly believed that men cheat more than women.

According to a study that was carried out in 2017, 22% of married men indicated that they have strayed when still married. This is compared to 14% of married women. While these numbers appear low, they are still too high for the comfort of the marriage institution.

You are not necessarily at fault

When a husband cheats, the wife is left feeling that she is at fault or there is an underlying problem with the relationship. However, experts say that this could not be further from the truth. Marriage therapists indicate that your husband could still be tempted to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with you or the quality of the feelings that you share.

According to Dr. Fran Walfish, issues that lead your husband to cheat fall into one of two categories: a problem with the husband or a problem with the relationship.

For instance, if you are married to a philandering man, you cannot hope to change his predatory ways and you cannot turn around and blame yourself when he eventually cheats on you. On the other hand, the husband who sleeps with a colleague might be searching for something that is lacking in the relationship.

Why did my husband cheat on me?

There is never a good reason for your husband cheating on you. However, if you are currently trying to piece together your marriage, knowing the reason for the infidelity might help you to not only get to the root of the issue but also move forward.

Unmet emotional needs

Cheating is not always about a physical upgrade. Sometimes it is more about unmet emotional needs. In my research I read a forum where a woman was in shock after she discovered that the woman whom her husband had slept with was in her opinion ‘ugly.’

And it got me wondering why guys sleep with their housekeepers and even assistants, who are sometimes much less attractive and less elegant than the wives. Gary Neuman interviewed 200 men about their infidelity.

88% of the men indicated that their affair partner was not physically more attractive than their wives. 94% of the men said that they did not have sex the first night they met the affair partner while 40% revealed that they met their affair partner through paperwork.

In other words, men didn’t have an affair with a woman necessarily because she was younger, prettier or sexier than their wife. They cheated with women they had a sort of connection with.

What emotional needs?

The myth has been propagated for a long time that men are not emotional beings: that their first and foremost need is sex. But according to Dr. Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, man's greatest need is admiration, respect, and praise. However, men will not ask for it because they fear that their wives will think they are weak or pathetic.

Unfortunately, many women, instead of praising their men, they tease them about their weaknesses and ridicule them. This is the most convenient way to send your husband straight into the admiring arms of another woman.

The other woman makes him feel good

Your husband wants you to make him feel good: both physically and emotionally.

  • A man wants to be with someone
  • He can let his guard down with
  • Who makes it safe for him to be himself
  • Who allows him to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable without judgment.

Your husband also wants to feel needed and desired. He doesn’t want to feel pressured to act strong all the time.

He needs more (or better sex) but doesn’t want to leave you.

Your husband has asked for more frequent or more adventurous sex, and you have consistently turned him down. Now it has reached a point where he believes that you do not want to have sex with him, yet he still wants to be with you.

Sex matters to your husband

For your man, sex matters as much as affection and security matter to you. It is central to how he connects with you, and it’s how he feels loved by you. He translates your lack of enthusiasm for sex as contempt for his sexual desire, and it crushes him. Your rejection of him makes him feel embarrassed and hurt.

Now, since he loves you, should he stay with you and miss out on one of his primary needs; leave you despite loving you and face the consequences of splitting up his family; or stay with you and have an affair?

He is worried about his sexual performance

Research by The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University revealed that men who have sexual performance problems have a higher likelihood of being unfaithful. The possible explanation for this that a man will feel less nervous and less inhibited when he is with someone who is not his partner. He is also less concerned about his performance when he is with a stranger. This helps the man to lower the pressure of performance.

Another possible reason is that the man is trying to help himself overcome his sexual issues in an environment that is free from embarrassment and ridicule; which is what they are likely to feel when they underperform with their partner.

He is immature

One of the main reasons why men cheat is because they are immature. An immature man is also heavily impulsive. He will give in to his basic temptations and desires without caring about the repercussions of his actions. An immature guy also lacks empathy and sense of responsibility that would keep him from cheating on his wife. He thinks in terms of ‘me’ instead of ‘we’ and rationalizes that as long as the wife doesn’t find out, he is not hurting anyone.

He is insecure

When a man is insecure, he may feel unworthy of being with his wife and continually worries about maintaining his wife’s interest level. He will constantly need the wife’s approval and reassurance. An insecure man is typically very needy, and he requires continuous validation.

The results of a research that was published in the Journal of Family Psychology revealed that a man who is insecure is more likely to cheat. This is because he ends up looking for reassurance and affirmation from other women. This man is so worried about losing his wife that it can actually drive him to cheat. If he feels that he is too old, too young, too thin, too fat, too weak, too …..; for his wife to continue desiring him, he will sabotage his marriage as he seeks to reassure and reaffirm his worth and desirability.

Unrealistic expectations

Some men get married thinking that their life will be fantastic. They probably expected that the wife would meet all their whims and desires without fail. In their unrealistic mind, they forget that the wife will be juggling multiple responsibilities. When the wife inevitably ‘fails’ them, they start looking for attention elsewhere.

It’s an exit strategy

Sometimes, a man who is unhappy in his marriage will try out a new relationship. The theory is because he is not 100 percent sure whether he should terminate the marriage or not.

Maybe he is tired of being criticized and being unhappy, but there still some good times in the relationship. He also doesn’t like being alone, and he wants to find a softer landing should the relationship end. The man could also be a coward. He wants to break up, but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He hopes that the wife will find out about the affair and do the dirty job of breaking up with him.

So you may have found why… but what now?

When your husband cheats, you might be thinking what have done to drive him into the arms of another woman.

But now you know the reasons men cheat, why do you think he did it?

Unfortunately, some reasons for cheating cannot be ‘fixed’. But if you don’t know already, you need to find out if he is genuinely remorseful

After you have reviewed the reasons why your husband cheated, you're now in a better position to decide what to do. If you have any stake at all in his cheating and he is genuinely remorseful, then you can embark on rebuilding your marriage.

How to Boost your Libido – 5 Ways For A Sustained Sex Life

How to Boost your Libido - Older couple looking happy together

IF YOU USED TO ENJOY making love with your husband… But now it is just something you do for ‘relationship maintenance' to get him off your case then

You are not alone

Low libido is a common problem.  According to Dr. Rebecca Amaru, a gynecologist, reduced libido happens in women as young as 30.

A study that was published in the Journal of Impotence indicated that 43% of the women interviewed revealed that they experienced declining or loss of sexual desire by the time they were 40. The study also showed that 36% of the women who were actively having sex indicated that they were not enjoying it.

Fear not

Here comes the good news, Libido decline or loss is not a permanent condition.

Just as many things can affect your sexual desire: emotional, physical and biological, there are many ways in when you can rectify your sex drive.

5 Ways to Boost Your Libido

1. Practice mindfulness

According to Sherry Rose, MD, women’s sexual desire starts in the brain. Therefore, the daily stresses of children, money, work, and relationships will lead to low libido.

A woman's libido is made up of a complete emotional algorithm. Therefore, if she is confused, tired or overwhelmed, her body will produce more of cortisol (the stress hormone) which consequently decreases the production of testosterone.

Testosterone is a critical component of your sexual desire. Even if you don't have as much testosterone as your husband, you must have enough of it to stimulate sexual desire in your body. Testosterone also initiates blood flow that causes your vagina to become sensitive and more likely to orgasm.

Confirming this theory is the Director of the Woman's Health Clinic at the Mayo Clinic, Dr. Stephene S. Faubian. According to her, the balance of brain chemicals is what mainly influences a woman's libido. Dopamine and norepinephrine increase your sexual desire, while testosterone, opioids, and serotonin inhibit your desire

Did you know: Research shows that even when a woman's body is turned on, she won't recognize it if she is not emotionally open to the idea of making love.  

The importance of mindfulness

Sex therapists indicate that mindfulness exercises like meditation, focused breathing, and yoga help to alter the balance of the brain chemicals in a good way. Mindfulness reduces stress hormones which have been proven to cause low libido. A study that was published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicated that women who suffered from sexual dysfunction significantly boosted their sexual responsiveness once they were trained in mindfulness.

Another research that was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine indicated that women who practiced an hour of yoga each day increased their average scores on sexual desire, lubrication, arousal, orgasms, and overall sexual fulfillment.

2. Solve your marital issues promptly

Marital experts indicate that for many women, low sex drive is intimately linked to their romantic relationships. If a woman is feeling neglected, taken for granted, or is angry with her husband, her sexual desire will be eaten away.

According to Professor Virginia Sadock, a renowned sex therapist at NYU, many women are scared to admit that their relationship is the cause of their desire issues. They are afraid that this admission would mean that their marriage is in trouble.  

However, Sadock indicates that the marital issues that affect a woman’s libido are not the divorce level problems but rather a compilation of small and very fixable issues that pile up over time.

The therapist says that many women are simply too overloaded: too many responsibilities, too much work, too little help and inadequate acknowledgment from their partners:

  • Identify whether there are any issues about your marriage that are bothering you and possibly affecting your sexual drive
  • Next, talk to your husband – but not in an accusatory way. Avoid phrases like: ‘You make feel horrible when…….., you turn me off when….’
  • Assure your husband that you find him attractive and you are interested in rekindling your sex life.
  • Let your husband know how much his affection matters to you and how much his appreciation for the things that you do for the family makes you feel valued and sexy.
  • Inform your husband that you need to feel that he appreciates and cares for you all the time; not only when he wants sex
  • Ensure that you and your husband regularly spend some time together   to keep strengthening your bond

3. Exercise

You may wonder what exercise has to do with sex, but remember, blood flows to your genitals the same way it flows to your heart. Exercise increases blood flow, boosts your hormones and endorphins: testosterone, adrenaline, serotonin, and boosts your feel-good neurotransmitters. All these processes go a long way to increase your libido.

Exercise will also help you to lose weight, which decreases abdominal fat, increases muscle tone, boosts stamina- creating better and stronger orgasms.

Question is: what is holding your back from exercising?

A great way to start an excercise routine is to make it stupidly simple and consistent. For example, put on your gym clothes everyday. It sounds too simple and easy to work right?

But after a few days you will be ‘someone who wears their gym clothes' and it would seem silly not to do some form of exercise… This technique builds your identity as ‘someone who exercises', which is a very large part of the battle that goes unnoticed by many people.

4. Load up on aphrodisiac foods

Cultures around the world have used some herbs and foods as aphrodisiacs for centuries.

Some aphrodisiacs stimulate the nerves in your genitals; others increase the level of nitric oxide, which increases your blood flow to your vagina; while others increase the feel-good chemicals in your brain.

Some of the foods and herbs that are used as aphrodisiacs include:

  • Chinese ginseng
  • Schizandra
  • Rhodiola
  • Dark Chocolate
  • Cayenne
  • Nutmeg
  • Walnuts
  • Asparagus
  • Maca
  • Pine nuts

5. Keep things new and fresh

Routine has its place in a relationship, but new sexual experiences will increase your libido. Science indicates that new experiences help your hypothalamus to increase dopamine in anticipation of an incredible outcome. Dopamine has a significant effect on your sexual desire. The more the dopamine is injected into your brain, the more your sexual desire will rise.  

So, how do you get the dopamine surge?  

Try new things with your husband: exploring new places and trying new activities together will increase the amount of dopamine in your brain. Remember, the new experiences do not have to be extravagant:

  • Explore a new park
  • Try a new hiking trail
  • Sample a new restaurant

These are accessible experiences that are not only affordable but deeply rewarding.

Try a new sex position

Trying new sex positions may be just what you need to increase your libido. You may even find a new favorite position that will enhance your sexual experience in ways that you have never imagined.   

Did you know: There are more than 240 sex positions.

Try as many positions as you can. The process will not just be fun for you and your husband, but you will greatly enhance your bond.

At the end of the night

A healthy libido is worth every effort: the payoff extends far beyond the bedroom.

 Improving your sexual desire has a massive impact on your physical wellbeing: decreased blood pressure, and a healthy immune system.

Improving your sexual desire will also boost your emotional wellbeing: a sense of intimacy and belonging. Besides, a vibrant sexual life will enhance the emotional connection with your husband. Increasing your libido may take a little bit of effort, but it is deeply gratifying.

5 Things a Woman Does to Push a Man Away

Things a Woman Does to Push a Man Away - Man walking away from wife

NO ONE SETS OUT TO SABOTAGE their relationship. We all want our marriages and relationships to work.

However, our actions do not always reflect this reality. With all your good efforts, you could be unconsciously driving your husband away.

So exactly what is driving him away? Here are the things that you can control that push him away.

The things that women do to push their husbands away

You are too needy

When you have been married for some time, you may feel the need to cling to your husband to maintain your relationship. You could also be needy because you are responding to a change that you have observed in your husband.

It is also likely that you feel an emptiness that you think that only your husband can fill for you. Unfortunately, your husband can only do so much for you, and if he is already giving you loads of attention, your clinginess and anxiety is bound to be frustrating.

Neediness will push your husband away. It is very exhausting to have to assure another person continually. According to Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, needy people become so dependent and clingy that they drive their partners away. Excessive need for assurance and affection is such a burden to have to deal with on a daily basis.

According to Psychology Today, there are two significant causes of neediness:

  • One’s childhood: Did you consistently lose the battle for attention from your parents when you were a child? Could it be that your dad was never home? Or you were probably bullied in school, and you still carry scars. All these wounds can trigger the desperation to cling on the one person that you know loves you – your husband.
  • You have fostered rejection in your husband: You were perfectly fine until you fell in love. Then you became vulnerable, and you started worrying that he will leave. So, you began to cling even harder. But your clingy dependency annoys him, and he distances himself. So you become desperate, and you push even more. He gets no space because you always need to talk, and you always need an answer.

You have the right to your husband’s attention

You have a right to receive attention from your husband. However, how you ask for it matters a lot. If you feel that your husband is not attentive, explain calmly the kind of attention you need. Then give positive feedback when you get the attention.

Also, make a point of addressing issues as they arise. This improves the psychological wellbeing of both you, and enhances the quality of your marriage.

Do not place the burden of your happiness on your husband. When you expect your husband to be your completion, then you become terrified of losing him.

Your marriage should not be your sole source of joy in this world because you will then inevitably cling to it desperately. Desperation smothers the life out of love and kills attraction and a marriage.

Denying your husband space

Space issues plague every couple at one time or another. Many couples have grappled with questions of how much time to spend together and how much physical affection each partner desires.

You are a couple, and not clones

Many couples make the mistake of thinking that they should spend all their time together. Some spouses even believe that they should have the same needs and desires since they are married. Patricia Farrell, the author of ‘How to be Your Own Therapist,’ indicates that couples should find the balance between togetherness and individuality. A couple must figure out where the ‘us’ and the ‘I’ begin.

Marriage therapists indicate that time apart from your husband can inject a new life to your togetherness. Wendy Allen, a psychotherapist, says that for a marriage to be whole, each partner should endeavor to be a healthy, whole individual who consequently will make positive contributions to the marriage.

Christopher Knippers, the author of ‘Cultivating Confidence,’ indicates that physical and emotional space is a basic human need. As such, when any of the partners assume that all their needs will be fulfilled through their spouse, they set up their relationship for disappointment and failure.

So,

When your husband requests for more space, be assured that he is not rejecting you. It is just something that he needs for himself – and – ultimately for you.

Do not:

  • Call him every single hour
  • Ask him where he is every minute
  • Get angry if he delays to text you back
  • Show up at his job unannounced now and then
  • Act hurt when he doesn’t invite you to hang out with his friends
  • Insist that you share hobbies

Try to box your husband into a corner and watch how fast you will lose him

You are too judgemental

How you treat your husband when you are hurt can either bring the two of you closer together or drive a massive wedge between the two of you.

How do you handle disappointments by your husband? Do you yell at him, stomp around, roll your eyes at him or enter the silent sulk mode whenever he makes a mistake?

Everyone makes mistakes in a relationship, and it is perfectly fine to bring it your husband’s attention when it happens. However, judging him harshly and berating him every single time will not only demoralize your husband but also alienate him.

  • I would like you to sit back and ask yourself some questions:
  • How does it benefit you to belittle your husband constantly?
  • Why do you feel the need to micromanage the way he does every little thing?
  • Are you accomplishing anything by being overly critical of him?
  • Is it reasonable for you to expect your husband to do everything just the way you want it?
  • And how does your constant judgment benefit your husband? Does it make him think, ‘Wow! I am sure am glad my wife is always here to set me straight!’

Being critical of your husband will only create more distance between the two of you. Purpose to always give him the benefit of the doubt, laugh things off and make it work with what you have.

Being entitled

One of the biggest turn off for a husband is a wife who acts entitled. Your husband will love that you have high standards, but he still wants you to appreciate him. According to marital experts, men absolutely crave appreciation. Appreciation is the essential fuel that a man needs to keep going in a relationship.

Entitlement and ungratefulness are probably the most unattractive traits in your husband’s eyes. Appreciating you man opens him up and activates his desire to bond with you and commit to the marriage.

Engaging in a power struggle with your husband

Are you the kind of wife who always wants to prove that she is smart, independent and tough? It irritates your husband when you are constantly trying to upstage him. Power struggle takes many forms:

  • Competing with him in disagreements – who gets the last word?
  • Always being condescending – cutting down your husband’s thoughts and opinions
  • Flaunting your career, education, and money to be the superior person in the relationship. These kind of behavior are a complete turnoff. A power struggle is an energy drain for your husband and your relationship. You and your husband are a team. Don’t ever forget that.

In Summary

Take stock of how you treat your husband. If you have some bad, it is only a matter of time before you push your husband away.

Be kind, show your husband compassion, respect him and be responsible for your happiness. Being mindful of these small things will significantly help you to strengthen the bond with your husband.         

EXPERT ADVICE – “How Can I Be More Attractive to My Husband?”

How Can I Be More Attractive to My Husband - couple laughing in bed

Can you remember the last time your husband:

  • Told you he was thinking about you?
  • Looked at you lustfully?
  • Touched you seductively?

It's too common an issue. We feel taken for granted in a relationship and wonder where the fun and excitement went. The good news is that intimacy can get better in the long term. Although it needs to be worked on a little…

How you can remain attractive to your husband

Being attractive in your husband's eyes keeps his attention and helps with other issues that arise in marriages. Below are the ways to ensure that your husband has eyes only for you.     

1. Take care of yourself

A lot of marital advice calls on women to pursue their husbands by doing things to and for the husbands. But you can also win your husbands attention by doing things for yourself

As a wife, you are called to take care of your husband, home and possibly children. But, if you are not well, whether physically, socially or emotionally, you cannot take care of your family.

You cannot pour from an empty cup. You have got to take care of yourself first.

This means:

  • Don't work yourself to the bone and give yourself some breathing space
  • Keep an open mind about things rather than chasing perfection all the time
  • Look after yourself physically
  • Watch what you eat and put into your body

2. Build a healthy social life

If you desire a healthy marriage, get a life. Some women discard their social lives entirely once they get married. What you may not realize is that revolving your life around your husband is a huge turnoff.

Having a life outside your marriage will give you autonomy in your relationship and take the pressure to make you happy from your husband.

How Can I Be More Attractive to My Husband - Couple unhappy in bed
When your life revolves around your husband, he will feel pressured and start to withdraw from your marriage

3. Create a balance between the time you spend with your husband and the time you spend apart

How much time do you spend with your husband? If you and your husband spend all your free time together, a little space will help to make the time you spend with your husband more fulfilling.

  • Pursue passions that are not dependent on your husband
  • Nurture your own circle of friends
  • Get involved in an organization that relates to something that you do professionally
  • Do volunteer work that makes you feel fulfilled

Being around him all the time does not leave him any room to miss you. Having some sense of independence and autonomy makes your own life more exciting, gives you something to look forward to and improves your mood. The happier you are, the better you are able to reconnect with your husband during the time you spend together.

On the contrary, if you are not spending any time with your husband, make an effort to spend quality time together. Plan date nights or special activities together. Regardless of how busy you are, you must keep your emotional connection going if you want to remain attracted to each other. When your emotional connection is intact, the attraction and passion will flow naturally.

4. Take care of yourself emotionally

Many times, the extent of your attraction to your husband is a reflection of how you feel about yourself.

When you are happy, and your self-esteem is high, your partner will find you attractive. When you are stressed, distracted and feeling down, you lose the charming appeal to your husband.

It is always easy to project your insecurities and frustrations on the person closest to you – your husband – but this will do a lot of damage to his attraction towards you. Neediness is not attractive at all.

5. Work on your confidence

Confidence is an attractive quality, and lack of confidence will make you seem unappealing.

No matter what you might be going through, focus on your favorite qualities about yourself. Always remind yourself that you are interesting and sexy. If you are going through a rough patch, and you cannot banish those negative thoughts, take up practices like yoga and meditation for a little extra help.

When you have too much on your plate, get help:

  • Use a cleaning service to take care of chores at home
  • Hire a baby sitter for some relief
  • Request a friend to come and help you over the weekend

This will reduce the likelihood of nagging, which is such a buzzkill. Insecurity is a very unattractive trait, and very exhausting to be around.

6. Keep up with yourself

You cannot separate the roles of love and attraction in a relationship. While your marriage can be a result of great admiration for your personalities, ideals, and character, there must have been an element of physical attraction that first drew you to each other.

Think about the first year of your romance: the chances are that you never went out with your husband without looking your absolute best. Now, with a myriad of responsibilities and years of numbing familiarity, you might find that you neglect to put yourself first. You have probably piled up some extra weight, you walk around in overused sweatpants, and your eyebrows have not been twizzled for a long time.

The result is that your husband will still love you, but he will not be physically attracted to you. While sex is not the only factor in a healthy marriage, it is a crucial ingredient, and it begins with you. You need to take care of yourself because you do not only want your husband to find you attractive, but you also want to feel attractive as well.

Taking care of yourself increases your self-esteem, and higher self-esteem translates into feeling sexier. Your sexiness will radiate through, and your husband will not be able to resist you.

So,

  • Stay well groomed
  • Do some manicure/pedicure and paint your nails
  • Buy cute clothes that fit attractively
  • Stay moderately fit: exercise not only keeps you in shape but also releases endorphins which relieve stress and lift your moods
  • Go through your undergarments and throw away the old and unsexy ones
  • And most importantly, smile

Remember: Being attractive is regardless of your age or how long you have been married. As the saying goes, being attractive lasts longer than being pretty.

7. Respect your husband

In a study, Emerson Eggerichs, author of ‘Love and Respect,’ posed the following question to the participants:

If you were forced to choose between the following, which one would use prefer to endure: to be alone and unloved in the world or feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. From a sample of 400 men, 74% indicated that they would prefer to be alone and unloved rather than feel inadequate and disrespected. A sample from the same number of women showed that the majority of the women would rather feel inadequate and disrespected than alone and unloved.

His conclusion: A husband needs respect like he needs air to breathe, while a woman needs love as much as she needs air to breathe.

Eggerichs believes that many women are ignorant of their husband’s great need to be respected, and this is the source of conflict in many marriages. Your husband needs to know that you believe in him and admire him both privately and publicly.

Every husband is secretly vulnerable. When you disrespect him, he becomes insecure in his role as a husband. The antidote: Show him respect and affirm him. He will become more secure and confident in all the areas of his life.

The respect principle:

When you respect your husband, you have the unfair advantage that steals his attention and makes you irresistibly attractive him. Every other woman will fail in comparison, and you will be the only thing on his mind. Respect is the biggest key to get your husband to want to commit to you truly.

In Summary…

Ultimately remember that your husband’s desire is not even to be attracted to you…….. It is for you to be attracted to him.

The women you are competing with are those who make your husband feel desired, capable and interesting. So keep him feeling young, loved and important. Admire him always and let him know that you are his number one fan.

How to Get Your Husband to Notice You Again

How to get your husband to notice you again - husband looking at wife in kitchen

EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE GETTING the best of him, except you…

When you first met and got married there seemed no end to the amount of attention he gave you. Years later, you feel neglected.

How did you get to be the invisible wife?

Before we come to the solution, it is essential to explore the reasons why your husband has distanced himself from you:

Why your husband may have stopped noticing you

  1. He is distracted. There are many things that your husband may be preoccupied with to the extent of becoming oblivious to your presence. Is your Husband:
    • Anxious about his health?
    • Feeling some extra stress from the workplace, which is soaking up all his attention?
    • Obsessed with a particular hobby or activity?
  2. He is taking you for granted. It is possible that after years of being together, your husband loves you and really cares about you, but he has just become lazy about showing you how important you are to him.
  3. Your husband’s expectations for marriage are not being met. While this may be difficult to hear, it is possible that your husband is unhappy with your relationship. If your husband feels that his emotional and physical needs are not being fulfilled, it is no wonder he has pulled away

How to get your husband to notice you again

You want to feel that you are the centre of your husband’s world, and you deserve it. The good news is that you can retain the spark in your bond for a long time. However, it is not without effort.

1. Respect him like a King

  • Have you been a diva, disrespecting your husband in the process?
  • Have you take out your frustrations on your husband in public?
  • Do you try to control him and/or micro-manage him?

These points (and ones like these) can drive even the most patient man away.

Your husband needs to know that you respect him; and that you value and admire him. The most sure fire way to lose your man is to make him feel consistently disrespected. Alternatively, you will easily win back your husband’s attention if you look for ways you can show him respect.

Be attentive to your husband when he talks. When your husband is talking to you, give him your full attention: put your phone down, mute the T.V, stop whatever you are doing and listen. Always express your appreciation for everything that your husband does for you.

Do not put your husband down and do not make fun of him in front of others. Also, never speak ill of your husband to other people.

Always respect his intentions and efforts and put your questions and criticism positively.

2. Rekindle the romance

Many problems in a relationship start in the bedroom. How frequent is your sex? Does your husband feel desired?

  • Seduce your husband and bring back the romance to your marriage.
  • Arrange to send the kids away for the weekend or night and enjoy the freedom of being as creative as you like.
  • Wear that sexy lingerie

There are plenty of ways to seduce your husband, and you don’t even have to overthink. The most important thing is to put in the effort. Your husband will see it, and he will surely reciprocate.

3. Touch your husband more

Touching is a vital ingredient in maintaining physical affection in a relationship. When the touch is missing, the marriage begins to feel too much like a friendship, which is precisely what you do not want to happen.

Touching:

  • reates emotional intimacy in your relationship.
  • Makes partners feel safe
  • Builds trust
  • Creates feelings of love, compassion and reward

The non-sexual touch between you and your husband will lead to greater sexual intimacy, and your husband will never be able to resist you. What’s more, touch leads to more touching and the desire to be touched even more.

Touch him more. Touch him regularly

4. Let your husband chase you again

Marital experts have emphasized often enough that men have a natural urge to hunt. They like the excitement of the chase. Have you been providing him with the opportunity to chase you? The more you chase him, the more he will fight to get away; the harder you squeeze, the harder he will wiggle to get away.

Find a way to give your husband some space: Go out of town for the weekend, or pull back and give him a breather. Just get a life. Do you remember all the fun things you used to do before you got married? Start doing them again. Give your husband the space to miss you and chase you.

5. Use Your words

Words are powerful: they can be a dangerous weapon in your relationship, but they also have the creative power to heal.

You are part of the creator of the reality in your relationship. If you are always criticizing your husband, you are not only driving him further away but also affirming the outcome that you do not want, ‘You never pay attention to me, you no longer care about me …' You are not only wounding your husband but also speaking death into your relationship.

You readily encourage and compliment your children. Why is it so hard to do the same for your husband? Intentionally see good things in him, appreciate him and be thankful for the ways he adds to your life.

Saying things like, ‘I appreciate you giving me so much attention, I love how you are attentive to me' will give you a much better outcome.

In Summary

Something needs to happen for you to realize the relationship that you desire

Do you want your husband to notice you? Notice him. Inspire him. Motivate him. You will create the husband you want and the relationship you long for.