“My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex” – What to Do When He Withdraws from Intimacy

My husband doesnt want sex - woman frustrated with husband in bed
  • Has your husband stopped loving you?
  • Is there another woman?
  • What happened to his sexual desire?  
  • Does he really care?

These thoughts can go round and round in your head when your husband withdraws sexually. But although you may feel alone, you are not the only one this happens to. This story repeats itself in many bedrooms all over the world.

The myth that men want to have sex all the time is simply not accurate

According to experts, almost all marriages go through periods when the husband experiences lower sex drive than his wife.

A study that appeared in the Live Science Magazine revealed that 14.4 per cent of the men surveyed indicated having experienced lack of sexual desire lasting two or more months within the previous year. Another research showed that 15% to 16% of men lose interest in sex at some point in their lives.

Contrary to popular belief, men and women are not that different concerning sexuality and desire. Experts say that in marriage, it is about 50 / 50. 50% of the time, the wife demands sex more than the husband while 50% of the time, the husband wants sex and the wife doesn’t.

Why doesn’t your husband want to have sex with you?

According to the sex therapists, lack of sex is a symptom, not the root of problems in your marriage. It is truly not about sex. Sex does not happen in a vacuum; it occurs within the quality and context of your relationship. Therefore, emotional disconnection, stress, communication problems, and health issues: all these will affect your husband’s ability and willingness to have sex with you.

Some of the reasons why your husband may not be having sex with you include:

He is depressed and not feeling like he wants to have sex

Your husband’s sex drive is wrapped up in his concept of manhood. When he feels like a man, he will want to make love. On the other hand, if he feels like he has lost his masculinity, he won’t. So, the question begs, what does it take for your husband to not feel like a man? When:

  • Your husband is not making any progress at his workplace
  • He feels like he is not achieving his dreams and goals
  • He feels like he is letting you down
  • There is extreme tension in your marriage, and he feels like he doesn’t have a solution

All these can radically decrease your husband’s interest in sex. A man whose masculinity is scarred will definitely have his sexual desire affected.

Your husband is struggling to connect with you on an emotional level

This may be news to you if you believe that only women need to bond emotionally to take pleasure in sex. If you have been emotionally distant from your husband because of pressures at work or other commitments, you may have made him feel unloved and neglected. Your husband should never feel unappreciated or as if you are merely tolerating him: He will find it hard to be intimate with you.

He is no longer attracted to you

If there has been a lot of negative energy in your relationship, your husband might desire you less. Are you always nagging your husband, criticizing him and putting him down? Evaluate your treatment of your husband and see whether you could be doing anything to drive him away.

The same will happen if your husband feels like you have lost respect for him. No matter how long the two of you have been married; your husband still needs to feel that he is a hero to you.

Experts also indicate that weight gain and changes in your appearance might affect your husband’s attraction to you. The problem isn’t love; it is sex.

He may be having an affair

If you have done all you can to revive your husband’s interest in making love and still been unsuccessful, an extramarital affair probably explains it.

A man who has transferred his desire elsewhere will not desire to have sex with you. He may not even be having an affair but he is probably involved with pornography, or he is having an affair with himself; engaging in too much masturbation. All these things can definitely contribute to your husband feeling less concerned about engaging in sex with you.

Low sex drive

Your husband could be dealing with low libido. Physical issues like underlying sicknesses and low testosterone will undoubtedly cause low sex drive. The good thing with this issue is that it is easy to fix as long as your husband visits a doctor. So, what can you do to rekindle the intimacy with your husband?

Acknowledge that there is a problem

The first thing that you must do is raise the issue with your husband. How you bring up the subject with your husband will significantly determine your success in solving the problem. Your husband, like many other men, will find it hard to talk about his loss of desire for sex.

Experts indicate that masculinity and virility are intimately connected. Your husband will, therefore, be uncomfortable with self-disclosure. Remember, if he especially has a low sex drive, he is terrified even to think that he doesn’t desire sex, let alone admit it.

This topic might be embarrassing and even humiliating for your husband, so how you communicate with him is very crucial.

If he is no longer attracted to you

If your husband just doesn’t desire to have sex with you anymore, this is the clearest indication of underlying issues in your relationship. Do you and your husband have unresolved issues? Is your emotional connection what it used to be when you first got married? Does your husband still feel respected and admired by you? Is he still attracted to you? How is the communication with your husband?

Express genuine desire to know what the problem is and show your willingness to work with your husband to make your relationship fulfilling to both of you once again.

If he is experiencing low libido

If your husband lets out that he is having a physical issue like erectile dysfunction, do not panic or overreact. Making a big deal out of your husband’s problem will make him even more nervous about his performance. He may eventually shut down.

Ban sex for a while

This measure may sound counterproductive, but as you and your husband seek a solution to the problem, you should try some non-sexy things: Taking baths together, giving each other massages. This will take the pressure off your husband as he actively seeks for a solution to the problem.

Your husband carries a heavy burden

Whatever the reason for the decrease in sexual desire, your husband is already carrying a heavy load and probably feels as alone in his pain as you.

The anger, pain, and confusion you feel for your husband’s inability or unwillingness to meet your needs for love and sexual fulfilment cannot compare with the burden of inadequacy that your husband carries.

He yearns to be a competent husband. His sense of accomplishment and confidence is tied to his ability to perform in all areas, including sexually.

You are not the victim

As such, when approaching your husband, start from a place of curiosity instead of blame. Let him know that you love him and you want your marriage to work. Let him feel that you are a team and you will get through the problem together.

Your reassurance, acceptance, affirmation and comfort will significantly speed up your husband’s recovery process. Be gentle and empathetic with your husband and let him know that you are willing to work with him through whatever the issue is.