“Why did my Husband Cheat on Me?”

Why did my husband cheat on me - man and woman in bed not talking

Every woman believes that men cheat,

But,

Every woman believes her husband is different. And that her marriage is different.

The truth is that any marriage can become vulnerable to an affair. Experts indicate that even marriages that seem to be strong can suffer infidelity under certain circumstances. It is further commonly believed that men cheat more than women.

According to a study that was carried out in 2017, 22% of married men indicated that they have strayed when still married. This is compared to 14% of married women. While these numbers appear low, they are still too high for the comfort of the marriage institution.

You are not necessarily at fault

When a husband cheats, the wife is left feeling that she is at fault or there is an underlying problem with the relationship. However, experts say that this could not be further from the truth. Marriage therapists indicate that your husband could still be tempted to cheat for reasons that have nothing to do with you or the quality of the feelings that you share.

According to Dr. Fran Walfish, issues that lead your husband to cheat fall into one of two categories: a problem with the husband or a problem with the relationship.

For instance, if you are married to a philandering man, you cannot hope to change his predatory ways and you cannot turn around and blame yourself when he eventually cheats on you. On the other hand, the husband who sleeps with a colleague might be searching for something that is lacking in the relationship.

Why did my husband cheat on me?

There is never a good reason for your husband cheating on you. However, if you are currently trying to piece together your marriage, knowing the reason for the infidelity might help you to not only get to the root of the issue but also move forward.

Unmet emotional needs

Cheating is not always about a physical upgrade. Sometimes it is more about unmet emotional needs. In my research I read a forum where a woman was in shock after she discovered that the woman whom her husband had slept with was in her opinion ‘ugly.’

And it got me wondering why guys sleep with their housekeepers and even assistants, who are sometimes much less attractive and less elegant than the wives. Gary Neuman interviewed 200 men about their infidelity.

88% of the men indicated that their affair partner was not physically more attractive than their wives. 94% of the men said that they did not have sex the first night they met the affair partner while 40% revealed that they met their affair partner through paperwork.

In other words, men didn’t have an affair with a woman necessarily because she was younger, prettier or sexier than their wife. They cheated with women they had a sort of connection with.

What emotional needs?

The myth has been propagated for a long time that men are not emotional beings: that their first and foremost need is sex. But according to Dr. Harley, author of His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, man's greatest need is admiration, respect, and praise. However, men will not ask for it because they fear that their wives will think they are weak or pathetic.

Unfortunately, many women, instead of praising their men, they tease them about their weaknesses and ridicule them. This is the most convenient way to send your husband straight into the admiring arms of another woman.

The other woman makes him feel good

Your husband wants you to make him feel good: both physically and emotionally.

  • A man wants to be with someone
  • He can let his guard down with
  • Who makes it safe for him to be himself
  • Who allows him to feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable without judgment.

Your husband also wants to feel needed and desired. He doesn’t want to feel pressured to act strong all the time.

He needs more (or better sex) but doesn’t want to leave you.

Your husband has asked for more frequent or more adventurous sex, and you have consistently turned him down. Now it has reached a point where he believes that you do not want to have sex with him, yet he still wants to be with you.

Sex matters to your husband

For your man, sex matters as much as affection and security matter to you. It is central to how he connects with you, and it’s how he feels loved by you. He translates your lack of enthusiasm for sex as contempt for his sexual desire, and it crushes him. Your rejection of him makes him feel embarrassed and hurt.

Now, since he loves you, should he stay with you and miss out on one of his primary needs; leave you despite loving you and face the consequences of splitting up his family; or stay with you and have an affair?

He is worried about his sexual performance

Research by The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University revealed that men who have sexual performance problems have a higher likelihood of being unfaithful. The possible explanation for this that a man will feel less nervous and less inhibited when he is with someone who is not his partner. He is also less concerned about his performance when he is with a stranger. This helps the man to lower the pressure of performance.

Another possible reason is that the man is trying to help himself overcome his sexual issues in an environment that is free from embarrassment and ridicule; which is what they are likely to feel when they underperform with their partner.

He is immature

One of the main reasons why men cheat is because they are immature. An immature man is also heavily impulsive. He will give in to his basic temptations and desires without caring about the repercussions of his actions. An immature guy also lacks empathy and sense of responsibility that would keep him from cheating on his wife. He thinks in terms of ‘me’ instead of ‘we’ and rationalizes that as long as the wife doesn’t find out, he is not hurting anyone.

He is insecure

When a man is insecure, he may feel unworthy of being with his wife and continually worries about maintaining his wife’s interest level. He will constantly need the wife’s approval and reassurance. An insecure man is typically very needy, and he requires continuous validation.

The results of a research that was published in the Journal of Family Psychology revealed that a man who is insecure is more likely to cheat. This is because he ends up looking for reassurance and affirmation from other women. This man is so worried about losing his wife that it can actually drive him to cheat. If he feels that he is too old, too young, too thin, too fat, too weak, too …..; for his wife to continue desiring him, he will sabotage his marriage as he seeks to reassure and reaffirm his worth and desirability.

Unrealistic expectations

Some men get married thinking that their life will be fantastic. They probably expected that the wife would meet all their whims and desires without fail. In their unrealistic mind, they forget that the wife will be juggling multiple responsibilities. When the wife inevitably ‘fails’ them, they start looking for attention elsewhere.

It’s an exit strategy

Sometimes, a man who is unhappy in his marriage will try out a new relationship. The theory is because he is not 100 percent sure whether he should terminate the marriage or not.

Maybe he is tired of being criticized and being unhappy, but there still some good times in the relationship. He also doesn’t like being alone, and he wants to find a softer landing should the relationship end. The man could also be a coward. He wants to break up, but he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. He hopes that the wife will find out about the affair and do the dirty job of breaking up with him.

So you may have found why… but what now?

When your husband cheats, you might be thinking what have done to drive him into the arms of another woman.

But now you know the reasons men cheat, why do you think he did it?

Unfortunately, some reasons for cheating cannot be ‘fixed’. But if you don’t know already, you need to find out if he is genuinely remorseful

After you have reviewed the reasons why your husband cheated, you're now in a better position to decide what to do. If you have any stake at all in his cheating and he is genuinely remorseful, then you can embark on rebuilding your marriage.

EXPERT ADVICE – “I Cheated On My Husband Now He Wants A Divorce”

I Cheated on My Husband now He Wants a Divorce - Man handing back ring

I Cheated on My Husband now He Wants a Divorce - Man handing back ring

IF YOU ARE trying to dig yourself out of the enormity of an affair, and now you desire to fight for your marriage, this article is for you.

But first things first. Can your marriage be saved? The answer is yes!

It is very possible to rebuild your marriage if you are willing to do the work. Experts in relationship breakdown indicate that your ability to save your marriage has less to do with the circumstances of the affair but the responses of both you and your husband towards the affair.

Marriages do not end because of the infidelity; they end because of how infidelity is dealt with. Psychology Today.

Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, indicates that couples divorce after affairs because the betrayed spouse simply gives up trying when the cheating spouse continues to be shady, selfish and untrustworthy.

In a study, the highest divorce rate was among couples who had secret infidelity at 80%. In contrast in marriages where the affair did come to light, the divorce rate was 43%.

The study had further good news for couples who stayed together after an affair. Both infidelity and non-infidelity couples had similar levels of marital stability, and they were indistinguishable in their relationship satisfaction at the five-year mark.

So, you see, your affair is devastating but it is not necessarily disastrous for the long haul. Your marriage can rise from these ashes and thrive once again.

Take full responsibility for the affair

This seems obvious, but it is not. Many times, wives justify their affair by blaming their husband. ‘He was not meeting all my needs, so I turned to another man'. Here’s the truth; no matter what state your marriage was in when you cheated, you made the decision to be unfaithful.

You had other choices. There were certainly contributing factors in your decision to break your marriage vows. However, you must take full responsibility for your decision.

Do not justify your infidelity! Do not give excuses and flimsy reasons. Do not blame your husband for your actions!

Look your husband in the eye and sincerely apologize; without any Buts!  Tell your husband that you will do whatever it takes to fix the situation and help him heal from the pain that you have caused him.

Server your relationship with the other man

The priority right now is to help your husband to recover, which may involve significant life changes. An affair with someone in your social groups means that you may have to change your friends; an affair at work may mean that you find another job.

The bottom line is, do whatever it takes to server all contacts with the third party.

Rebuild your husband’s trust

You must commit to live a transparent life in order to win your husband’s trust.

Prepare to be more open and honest than you have ever been. Your husband will want to know where you are and what you are doing, and obviously with who.

And you're going to have to deal with this until he trusts you again. You did major damage to the trust in your marriage and be willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild that trust:

  • Be consistent
  • Always be on time
  • Do what you say will do

Answer all your husband’s questions

Your husband will want a lot of information: who, what, when, where, why, including the gory details. Your natural inclination will be to lessen the blow by withholding information. Unfortunately, the truth always comes out in time. Withholding information will destroy any hope of rebuilding trust.

According to Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, earning back your husband’s trust calls for you to be upfront with him about the extent of the affair. Caroline indicates many spouses who have been cheated on leave the marriage not because of the affair, but because of the drip, drip, drip, of the truth.

Just when the spouse is getting used to the facts that have been revealed and is starting to adjust and trust again, more information surfaces. Be completely honest at the very beginning so that your husband can decide if he can forgive you with his eyes wide open.

Bear in mind that your husband’s life has been turned upside down and he needs all the information in order to make sense of it. It is not up to you but up to your husband to determine what he needs to know.

Why talking about it is important

Equally important in answering your husband’s questions is that you should be willing to keep answering them for as long as they need to ask. It is this willingness that demonstrates your commitment to the marriage.

Research by Dr. Peggy Vaughn revealed that couples are likely to save their marriage after infidelity when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation. Her study showed that:

  • 55% of a couple who discussed the situation very little was still married
  • 78% of couples who addressed the situation a good bit remained married
  • 86% of couples who discussed the unfaithfulness a lot remained married.

Thus, the extent to which a couple discussed the affair was significantly associated with the likelihood of saving the marriage.

In addition, Dr. Vaughn’s research revealed that a couple is more likely to remain married when the cheating spouse answered their partner’s questions.

  • 59% of those who refused to answer questions remained married.
  • 81% of couples whose cheating partner responded to some of their questions remained married
  • 86% of couples whose offending partners answered all their partner’s questions remained married

Thus, the extent to which the cheating spouse responded to questions was significantly associated with the degree of success in saving the marriage.

Patience! Patience! Patience!

Patience will be one of your greatest tools in getting through the process of rebuilding your marriage. Just because you feel that you have done all you could to deal with the situation, or think that you have dealt with it long and deeply enough does not mean your husband feels the same way.

Your husband is the one who was betrayed. It is unrealistic for you to decide when the affair should be a closed chapter. Efforts to move on will be futile until your husband feels that he has healed.

Recommit to your husband

Reiterate to your husband that you are all in and you are willing to do whatever it takes to fight for your relationship. Do not be in a hurry to move on. If you want to truly save your marriage, you and your husband should ask yourselves a few essential questions:

  • How did you get here? In other words, what are the underlying reasons for the affair? Experts encourage that you both spend a lot of time pondering and reflecting on this question.
  • What does your husband need to heal completely? (e.g., he may require that you seek professional counseling)
  • What are you doing to ensure that another affair doesn’t happen? You need to learn how to establish boundaries in your other relationships because affairs are essentially boundary violations.
  • If you move forward in this marriage what are you committing to? This might be the single most important question you can address as a couple as you move forward. An honest discussion of this question will enable you to reboot your relationship.

Experts say that recovery from infidelity is no different than any other serious life challenge. Contained within its experience are both pain and opportunity. Together with your husband, you can leverage this opportunity to rebuild a fantastic marriage.

What Now…?

You can birth a new marriage from the ashes and debris of the impending divorce and create a legacy of renewal.

Think of what an incredible experience to work through what could be defeat and come out on top. You will be stronger. Your marriage will be stronger, and your family would be stronger.

There is nothing like adversity to make a relationship stronger.

So if you have decided you want to keep your marriage together, it's time to get practical about it

Getting practical about saving your marriage

For instance, how will you deal with these situations…?

  • How will you help your husband get over the pain of being cheated on?
  • What will you tell the kids about the change in your relationship they have noticed?
  • What will your daily routine look like if your husband says he wants some space and decides to move to another room or out of the house?

Although these questions are a little uncomfortable, they are something you need to think of

But you aren't the first person in this situation… and there are resources that can help you along the way

For more in-depth information and advice on repairing a marriage, I recommend watching this short video

It explains how you can save your marriage, even if you are the only one trying

If it feels like he wants to throw in the towel, then this video might be the most important video that you ever watch

If you have any questions or comments relating to this topic you can contact me here

Best of luck,

Randy

EXPERT ADVICE – “I Cheated On My Husband and I Want Him Back”

I cheated on my husband and now i want him back - woman pleading with husband

I cheated on My Husband and I Want Him Back - woman pleading with husband

IS IT AFFAIRS THAT BREAK UP MARRIAGES?

The question sounds ludicrous but it isn’t as straightforward as it seems.

And the answer is somewhat good news for those in relationships which have experienced infidelity.

Caroline Madden, a marriage therapist, says that it is not affairs that break marriages up: it is the unfaithful spouse’s inability, to be honest about what happened and leave the affair behind them.

According to Madden, couples divorce after affairs, not because of the infidelity itself, but because the betrayed spouse simply gives up trying when the cheating spouse continues to be shady, selfish and untrustworthy.

Another encouraging fact is that the majority of couples stay together after infidelity. Psychology Today

Your marriage does not have to end because you had an affair. Even though the affair will cause your husband much heartache and anger, your marriage can survive. However, it is not going to be a walk in the park. Brace yourself for difficult work ahead of you to reclaim your husband and your marriage.

Healing your marriage will take dedication and perseverance, but the good news is that it can be done.

Take full responsibility for the affair

When you have betrayed your husband, you must acknowledge that you have inflicted anxiety, pain, and insecurity in him. You cannot expect your marriage to move forward if you do not take responsibility for your actions.

  • Your husband may have contributed to the breakdown of your relationship, but he did not force you to have the affair.
  • You may have felt lonely, rejected or neglected in the relationship, but you are the one who had an affair.
  • You may not have meant to hurt your husband, but you did it- deeply. And now his world is turned his world upside down.
  • You are the one who has caused him more pain than he could ever have imagined!

The earlier you can take responsibility, the sooner your marriage can start to heal.

A quick note why it hurts him so much

When you went outside the marriage, he no longer felt needed. All of a sudden, someone else could please you the way only he thought he could. In that way, he thought he was your hero. But now he will feel like a regular guy who doesn’t mean anything special to anyone.

There will also be pride issues, inparticular if the affair is public in some way. He may not be able to come to terms with his identity, (as someone whose wife had an affair) without breaking up the marriage.

There may be specific reasons as to why you cheated in the first place, but remember that infidelity is a choice. There are many other ways you would have approached the issues in your relationship, but you chose to have an affair. Forget about all the excuses; it was no accident.

The famous TV Doctor Dr. Phil thinks along these lines…

The one who cheats is solely responsible for his or her affair. No matter what problems exist in the relationship, and no matter how the betrayed spouse behaves him/she did not make you cheat, you chose that.

There are ways to deal with unhappiness in a marriage, but I assure you, cheating is absolutely not one of them. Cheating is merely a way to avoid dealing with either your personal shortcoming or the marital issues.

Cheating is about ego. It is selfish. Short of holding a gun to your head and forcing you to go outside the marriage, your spouse is not to blame for your affair. Own your stuff fully. – Relationship Rescue Written By Dr. Phil

I cheated on My Husband and I Want Him Back- woman ending affair

Immediately cut all contact with the other guy

This rule is of paramount importance for a reason: you cannot be fully emotionally available to your husband when you are still emotionally attached to the other guy. It will not be easy if you had an established friendship with the other guy, but it is best if you completely stop seeing him. This will help you to resist the temptation to cheat again.

Severing all ties with the other guy will help you emotionally reattach to your husband.

Be completely honest with your husband

After you have cheated, one of the ways to earn your husband’s trust is by being completely honest. Madden indicates that withholding information from the betrayed spouses is completely devastating.

Many betrayed spouses say that what made them give up on their relationship was not the affair. It was the drip, drip, drip of the facts about the affair that slowly leaked over time. (Trickle Truthing).  Just when the spouse was getting used to the facts that had been revealed, start to adjust and trust again -Boom, more information would surface.

Experts indicate that the best remedy is being upfront about everything from the start: how long the affair lasted, what you told the other guy about your marriage, where you went and what you did….. Everything.

Be accountable to your husband

Your husband needs a lot of proof that you are remorseful, serious, reliable and safe to love before he can trust you again. Rebuilding trust means rebuilding your credibility through complete accountability. This means that for a time, you will need to account for your time and actions.

Having to account for your every move may feel invasive, but it is non-negotiable. You might feel like you are being treated like a child; you may feel insulted; but, do you want your privacy or to save your marriage?

  • You may even swear that you have ended the affair, but your swearing means nothing right now.
  • The truth is that the blind, unconditional trust that your husband had in you has been destroyed, and regaining it is going to be a rite of passage.
  • As far as your marriage has gone so far, this is an extreme situation and extreme situations call for drastic measures.

Fact: your husband must catch you being ‘good’ in order to be able to trust you again.

For now, you must give up your passwords, access to your cellphones, email and social media accounts. The good news is that after a period of time of being caught being good, your husband’s need to check on you will diminish.

Are you willing to help your husband trust you again so that you can save your marriage?

Reassure your husband

It is unrealistic to think that your husband will get over the affair and move on immediately. You must reassure him over and over and over again, and as much as he needs it. Express remorse and repeatedly assure your husband that it will never happen again.

You turned his world upside down. Apologizing repeatedly is the least you can do. Your primary responsibility during this process is to show that you clearly understand what your husband has felt and experienced and to prove to him over and over that you truly regret it, and you are willing to earn back his trust, no matter what it takes.

You may think having to apologize repeatedly is hard. Well, think about how hard it is being your husband right now!

Allow your husband to set the pace of recovery: not you!

The process of recovering from infidelity is long and hard. After some time, you will feel that you have done all you can to help your husband heal and all you want is to put the affair behind your marriage and move forward. That is all good, but it is unfair and unrealistic.

Imagine you and your husband are climbing a mountain. You have already reached the summit but your husband is struggling to climb, and he is stuck. You are tired of waiting for him, and you want to get going. Will yelling at him to hurry up make him move any faster? The practical thing to do is to get down there and help him up.

It is the same case in this situation. You cannot dictate the pace at which your husband is going to heal.

Experts indicate that it takes at least two to five years for a marriage to get past an affair and reclaim the state of normalcy.

Do not push your husband and do not get impatient. He will seem happy one day and then avoid you the next. Sometimes he will need space. Sometimes he will cry about what you have done, ask a lot of questions, hurl judgment and even rage at you. Stand strong, stay faithful, keep apologizing and reach out with understanding.

Fact: Sometimes it will feel as if you are moving two steps forward and three steps back. Today you will be hopeful, and then tomorrow it will feel as if all hope is lost. Be patient. Pushing him to get over it before he is ready will only lead to further resentment.

You can survive this

Your marriage can survive the infidelity. Not only can it survive, but it can thrive. The journey will force both of you to do enormous amounts of introspection. You will learn a lot about yourselves and each other and become closer than ever before.

You might also get to resolve old issues that might never have been addressed. Your relationship will be kicked from its complacency, and you will learn what does not work.

You will both learn that your marriage is precious and that it is worth the effort. If you can get through this together, you will end up a stronger couple.

Additional insights:

Learn from this experience

Choose to learn from the experience. The best place to start is to explore the real reason why you cheated. Be honest with yourself and your husband about what was going on in your relationship before you cheated. This might be an incredible opportunity to build a stronger, healthier marriage.

Don’t become a punching bag

You have hurt your husband, and now you have to face the consequences. That being said, there are limits. Your cheating does not give your husband the license to abuse or attack you.

Forgive yourself

Yes, you made a horrible mistake. However, it does not mean you are evil, and you should not dwell on it forever. You are human, and everyone makes mistakes. Eventually, find a way to forgive yourself.

Protect your marriage

It is not enough to lead your marriage towards healing. You must also cushion your relationship against future attacks:

  • Ensure the other guy has no access to you or your marriage.
  • Surround yourself with friends of your marriage; people who will support your choice to save the marriage and not sabotage the process.

Is this the end?

In short, your husband wants you to choose him and your marriage again. And for a while, it has to be the most important thing in your life. As said earlier, he needs to catch you in the act of being a good wife before he will trust you.

If you feel as though your marriage is sliding, and he has completely cut himself off from you then it can be hard to imagine things ‘being how they used to be'

Marriage expert Dr. Lee Baucom suggests starting a new relationship with your husband rather than trying to salvage your old marriage. You can see more of his insights here

If for some reason you can't face or see your husband, here is a guide on writing a letter to him to get him back.

Thanks for reading this guide, and if you were telling yourself that ‘I cheated on my husband and I want him back' I hope it has answered some of your questions.

GetYourHusbandBack